humor, misc

NotZombies and The Great Fur Caper

NotZombies and The Great Fur Caper

7 Comments 23 August 2010

AKA “How I Almost Died at Lunch Today”

The afternoon was like any other. Myself, hung over and tired, invited officemate and writer extraordinaire Joe Donatelli to get some lunch at local hot spot Thai Boom. We thought it would be a quick walk down the street to pick up our food. We thought we’d be back in a few minutes. We thought we’d be safe. We were wrong. What had started as a lovely summer afternoon quickly devolved into a nightmare of crime, anxiety, fear, and heavy artillery.

We walked into Thai Boom and were told that our order wasn’t quite ready. It’s funny. Looking back I should have known then that something wasn’t right. That my day was about to go right off the tracks. After an almost interminable, hellish 30 seconds our food finally arrived. Little did I know my patience was about to be tried yet again just moments later.

As we made our way back to the Break Media World Headquarters the air took on an eerie stillness. The muggy hot afternoon pressing down like the hand of God. Frank Kang, another fellow co-worker, stumbled out of a nearby Japanese restaurant, squinted in the harsh noon light and joined our quiet walk, not knowing exactly what we were about to walk into.

At that exact moment, less than a block away, an armed officer of the Beverly Hills Police Department was screaming into his shoulder mic for reinforcements. “I NEED BACK UP! GOD DAMN IT, I AM IN THE SHIT HERE! CALL SWAT! FUCK, CALL THE GOD DAMN ARMY! JUST GET ME SOME FIREPOWER AND GET IT HERE 10 MINUTES AGO!*”

Dicker and Dicker Furs (wholesale furrier to the stars) was under siege from master criminals, armed to the teeth and looking for a fight, and my coworkers and I had just walked smack dab into the middle of it.**

As Joe and Frank froze***, I quickly assessed the situation, pinpointed escape routes, calculated bullet trajectories, and led my makeshift platoon to the most secure vantage point possible, Cafe Fabien. From here, across the street from the fur shop, I could suss out possible threats and take action should the Beverly Hills Police Department need me. Our small ragtag band of survivors found ourselves trapped with 7 others. Sure, we were all together, but we had never felt more alone.

We watched in stark terror as an armed response team stormed the fur store****, using advanced urban warfare tactics, rifles at the ready, full-auto engaged, use of terminal force authorized. Alas, the store was empty. All traces of the master criminals gone, as if they had just vanished into thin air. The hellish incident lasted in excess of 2 minutes. Any longer and our already strained water supply could have been totally depleted. Hell, the paninis in Cafe Fabien would have probably only lasted another 30-45 seconds before becoming a putrid lukewarm. I’m God damned lucky to be alive and don’t you think I don’t realize it.

The lunatic robbers are at large and could be anywhere, doing anything. Who were these men that they could escape the finest police force the world has ever known and leave not a trace behind? Who brazenly risks their life in the middle of the day for Sable Fur shawls? If these maniacs will go to these ends for exquisite, top-of-the-line animal pelt garments, then how much further are they willing to go?

I don’t know about you, but I may never sleep again after today, My Lunch Date with Death.

*Dialogue enhanced for dramatic effect.
**Not really.
***Joe and Frank did not freeze.
****Illustrated photo below.

In the video below, obtained exclusively by NotZombies, you can see the Beverly Hills Police Department execute a textbook armed-entry on a fortified position. The audio you hear has been in no way edited. I caution sensitive readers that what you hear may be disturbing, and younger readers may wish to leave the room. These are people who truly believe that they are about to die at any moment. I felt it was important to their memory that I not censor or edit the video in any way. Also, I don’t have video editing software.

Your Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. Mr. Sobel says:

    Riveting. I loved the part in the video with the guy talking. I’m glad you weren’t taken from us today, Huntington. Little did the authorities know, you had five brand new mink coats in your to-go bag…

  2. Joe D. says:

    My favorite part was when Brian turned to everyone in Cafe Fabien and said, “Live together, die alone,” and we all nodded our heads in agreement.

  3. P1 Steven says:

    That is awesome! My younger sister was working late at a grocery store when it was robbed at gun point by the “Take Over bandits”. It was like ‘Nam all over again. Also reminds me of the time my brother was attacked by 3 pit bulls & the cop had to shoot each pit in the head.

  4. Brandon says:

    I thought of your brush with death when I watched Rampage on Netflix. You are very lucky to be alive. Next time duck into a Bingo parlor.

  5. Margaretta says:

    It\’s good to get a fresh way of looknig at it.


  1. The Joe Donatelli Column » Blog Archive » What’s for lunch? Crime, mainly - August 23, 2010

    […] My buddy Not Zombies has posted a not-at-all-embellished account of our run-in with Johnny Law today. Seems we inadvertently walked into the middle of a crime scene at lunch. Oops. You can read all about it here. […]

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