They just released a new trailer for Twilight Eclipse. I can’t believe how fast these movies come out. You know how long it was between Return of the Jedi and Phantom Menace? SIXTEEN YEARS. But unlike the Star Wars series, where only half of them suck balls, ALL of the Twilight movies are pretty horrible. Here’s why.
- The vampires aren’t very good vampires. They can go in the sun (but they SPARKLE, which is fucking hilarious), they don’t drink blood (at least the ones we’re forced to spend time with in the movie), they definitely don’t rip humans apart, and they don’t really have fangs. So where’s the danger? Have you seen True Blood? If not, you’re an idiot. If so, you know how dangerous it feels when Sookie is first with Bill. After all, isn’t the danger part of the attraction? In Twilight all the characters say that it’s dangerous, but not once does it actually feel that way.
- The werewolves are even funnier than the vampires. I’m pretty sure that Stephanie Meyer has never seen a vampire or werewolf movie. Werewolves are these out of control creatures that rip out of their human form during a full moon. In Twilight they’re LITERALLY big wolves. Like, big tame wolves. When they transform it isn’t screaming agony and horrifying transmutation, it’s like, “oops, my Urban Outfitters faux-vintage shirt exploded and I’m a big wolf now, want to pet my belly?” Watch American Werewolf in London and then watch New Moon.
- Vampire baseball. Are you fucking kidding me?
- Edward is like, 100+ years old. Trying to bang a 16/17 year old. Megan’s Law anyone?
- Acting skills are not required. The only way they can rationalize having Taylor Lautner in these movies is by having him take his shirt off in EVERY scene.
Taylor Lautner is easily the captain of the suck squad but everyone else is constantly trying to out-do him. I thought maybe Robert Pattinson was being held back by the script (after all, he’s BRITISH!) and then I saw the trailer for Remember Me. In that movie he really stretches by playing a brooding, dangerous, outcast who has a relationship with a nice girl that’s frowned on by others. At least his skin doesn’t sparkle.
- Could the protagonists be any more unlikeable? Your main character is a girl who just reacts to everything around her and never really seems to do much but pine for a dude who’s just as sad and pathetic as her. Edward just stands around and frowns a bunch. When Bella and Edward actually do spend time together, they just have the same fucking conversation about why they can’t be together and they both look sad and mope. Jacob is the only one that looks like he has a fun social life. He’s living the hick dream: he hunts, works on dirt bikes and trucks, and drops out of school.
- They never really explain Bella’s insane love for Edward. I get that we’re supposed to understand that she’s attracted to him because his skin sparkles and he’s like the gay best friend only not really gay and he’s dangerous because, well, we’re totally TOLD that he’s dangerous, but we never really see the relationship develop. Do they have ever have fun together? They gave all the relationship development stuff to the Bella and Jacob in the second movie but then she’s still totally retarded for Edward. Speaking of the love triangle…
- Team Jacob vs Team Edward. Do these people know there are books? This is like picking a team in the 2008 World Series. It’s already happened, what are you doing?