Because you demanded it (and by “you” I mean 3 people), I have decided to both watch and write about Bachelor Pad. I apologize for being late to the party this week. My DVR was as disgusted by Bachelor Pad as most people seem to be. I even checked to see if it was recording and it was, yet it never showed up in my show list when it was done. Motorola and Time Warner: winning team. Anyway, I’ve decided to do this right. I’ve waited until I’m on the verge of complete physical exhaustion and have a giant Jack and Coke, so it’s time to get dirty.
Before we start, a little background on my Bachelor history: A dude I went to high school with but probably never even talked to (or at least not much), Jesse Kovacs became a contestant on The Bachelorette, 3 seasons back. I meant to watch but put it off for 3 or 4 episodes before finally tuning in. It was ridiculous. It was absurd. It was awesome. I thought chicks watched this show because it was corny and romantic and it turns out they watch it because it’s a fucking joke. They take these really obnoxious people and force them to spend time together in really contrived situations in really beautiful places. It’s a show that works in spite of itself, and wouldn’t work at all if they didn’t take it all so seriously.
So anyway, the next season they gave the biggest reality TV joke of all time—former contestant Jake Pavelka—his own season and I was hooked. I’ve written about every episode since. This is all a very long, drawn out way to say that I have almost zero knowledge of any of the contestants before Jillian Harris’ season. Luckily most of these people seem to be from the last couple seasons. Good? Good.
The show starts with a retrospective of all the successful couples from The Bachelor(ette) and they only have 3 to show. How funny is that? Then they show all the cry babies that got the boot. I’m torn between being really glad that some of these bitches/assholes are back and really annoyed that they’re getting even more time on TV. Like Wes? Really? We need to give this clown more attention? He’s a jerkoff without being entertaining about it. A boring asshole isn’t fun to watch. Craig? THAT’S a jerk I can get behind!
Chris Harrison comes out to tell us that Bachelor Pad is a show designed for those that DIDN’T find love on the show. So, everyone that’s ever been on the show basically.
Here they come!
Sidenote while they go to commercial: I can’t believe these people go on vacations together every year. That’s fucking sad. Don’t they have real friends they’d rather hang out with? Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Ok, that’s everyone. 11 chicks, 9 dudes. That’s weird. The Harrison lays out the rules. The guys vote out a chick and the chicks vote out a guy each episode. Harrison says the difference in numbers is owing to the fact that there have been more seasons of the Bachelor than the Bachelorette. Makes sense. He also says they’ll even it out at some point. Oooooo. Chris brings in a cohost for some reason. Melissa Rycroft, former contestant on The Bachelor.
The cast is allowed to explore the house where they find their ridiculous fucking bedroom:
How do you stop a bunch of really good-looking, horny, drunk people from hooking up? Put them all in a room together on twin bunk beds. Derp.
Weatherboy says it may help his game to hook up with a few chicks. Dude, please. You wish you could compete with these guys. I can’t wait for Craig to bang some chick while Weatherboy cries on the bunk below him.
Everyone goes to swim and the girls IMMEDIATELY start talking about who they should vote off. Skanks, give it a day at least.
It’s challenge time. The winner is safe for the week and also gets to take 3 guys or girls on a date. The game is a huge Jump to Conclusions Twister mat. It’s Big Brother-levels of cheapness. What did this challenge cost? $12? The guys are all pumped to see the girls bending over and contorting to fit on the board. I heartily agree. Unfortunately almost all the girls lose early and we’re left with the dudes. Craig takes it. Hahaha. I love it. He needed it.
Another rule: the winner of the challenge can give out a rose on his or her date and that person will also be safe. I like this format.
Later that night it’s schmoozing time. It’s really weird to see a group of guys AND a group of girls on a Bachelor show. Craig pulls Elizabeth aside to find out why she hates him so much. He keeps saying that he wants her to not hate him and she keeps saying “prove iiit” in a really weird, slutty way.
It’s bed time and everyone tucks in and the camera goes to night vision mode. I was hoping for some Paranormal Activity craziness but instead all we get is the sound effects of making out. “Oooooo. Unh. SMOOCH SMOOCH.” Cut to morning. HUH? You have NIGHT VISION CAMERAS! Show us who’s hooking up! Big Brother always shows night vision hand jobs (NVHJs). Annoying. The rumor amongst the cast is that it was Craig and Michelle. Please let this be true. I would love for Michelle to just give NVHJs to whichever dude gets the rose each week. No one admits to the late night shenanigans even in the confessional interviews, which sucks.
They deliver the date card. Craig picks Jessie S (whom he’d made a deal with during the Twister game), Gwen (age ??), and Elizabeth (who acts like her and Jesse Kovacs are a couple while Jesse doesn’t at all). The date is a day at the beach (literally).
Not even a calendar photoshoot? They’re are going cheap this season. Elizabeth pulls Craig aside and really flirts it up. Playing hard for that rose. They don’t even show Craig talk to or even acknowledge Gwen (age ??).
Back at the house my boy Kovacs whines about how Elizabeth has her hooks in him and could potentially fuck him over with the other girls and stop him from going on dates or even talking to girls. And then he says that “Lying and Cheating” is his middle name and then laughs like a total jackhole. Before the commercial break they show scenes coming up and they clearly show Elizabeth on a limo ride home. Huh? Isn’t that a crazy spoiler? [Note from the future: It’s not, it was her riding back from the date later that night. Asshats.]
After the commercials everyone is pairing up at the house and talking game or hooking up. In particular Jesse B and Natalie are like, falling in love and it’s day one. Jesus. Their whispering to each other makes me nauseous. “I love your kisses” whispers Jesse B. “I can taste my bile” I whisper back.
The date crew have changed and moved onto the Greek Theater.
So the production is at least spending a little bit of money on this season. That’s good. They walk into a rose ceremony. Unfortunately it’s Melissa Rycroft doing the hosting duties and not Harrison. I feel robbed. Melissa is horrible at delivering her lines. She moves her mouth as much as possible when she talks. It’s A-NNOY-ING. Craig gives the rose to Jessie S. Elizabeth is totally butt hurt and thinks he’s a jerk hole because he didn’t give her the rose. She keeps saying “he needed to win me over” which apparently just means “he needed to give me immunity.”
Alex Band from The Calling (seriously?) performs his one hit, “Wherever You Will Go,” which was popular before The Bachelor even started (remember this creepy kid with the man-voice?). The rejects arrive back at the house. Kovacs pulls Elizabeth aside to make sure that she knows that they aren’t exclusive and that he needs be free to try and win. Elizabeth seems really upset that he wants to play the game. Which is funny because she was ready to give up some NVHJs to Craig for the rose. She has the gall to say she doesn’t need to whore herself out to win the game. And then threatens Jesse by saying that if he isn’t supportive and loving then there will be negative consequences from her friends in the house. Wow. She is a piece of work. I hope this is unfair editing or else homegirl is toxic.
As peeps get ready for bed, Psycho Michelle waits for Tenley to be alone in the bathroom and then goes in and closes the camera men out. She wedges the door closed with her foot so Tenley can’t open the door and then she talks in a really calm Fatal Attraction voice to Tenley. “You started it. You started it all. You slut.” WHAAAAT?! Tenley escapes with her life but not her sanity and cries for the 15th time this episode. She says she’s scared. Hahaha. You should be. The night ends but alas, no night vision creepin’.
The next day Crispy Chrysalis Krisily says “For me, The Weatherman needs to stay in the house as long as possible” Aaaaw. That’s nice. “Beause he’s so gullible and you can talk him into anything. We need to get rid of the guys that are tall, and strong, and smart.” Oh.
Elizabeth goes even more over the deep end. She pulls Kovacs aside and acts like she’s trying to protect him from the other girls because they don’t like the way he treated her. But guess where they heard that from? ELIZABETH! Cuckoo! Then she goes “Act like you really care about me. You need to be like ‘I feel bad because I hurt Elizabeth and I was too focused on the money… and I’m literally in love with the girl'”. She’s feeding him lines from her fantasy! Dude, Jesse, run. She says that he doesn’t appreciate what she does for him and then starts crying. What she does for him?! Talking shit to all the other girls about him? She might be more crazy than Michelle. Yeah, I said it.
Everyone gets ready for the whatever ceremony. Harrison is wearing a weird rose tie that’s either really bad or kind of retro cool. It’s hard to tell on my monitor.
He says they’ll vote in private and then lets everyone get together to discuss their votes before doing so. Elizabeth tells the other girls that she can’t compete if Kovacs is around and lets all the other girls talk about how they should send him home but never asks them not to. Nice. Way to look out for him. She even has the balls to say in her interview that she “would do whatever it took to help him win.” What a bunch of bullshit.
It’s time to hand out roses and we finally see why Rycroft is here. Because there’s no Bachelor or Bachelorette to physically hand the roses out, Melissa does it. I agree that it’s below Chris Harrison’s station in life to handle any sort of rose or flower arrangement. Good call ABC.
Too many people to list who gets to stay so I’m just going to list the two losers:
First, Psycho Michelle gets the boot. No surprise there. It’s just a matter of personal safety when you get down to it. Also, you can’t attack a Disney Princess and get away with it. She doesn’t flip out or anything and that’s even scarier. She thinks she’s leaving because of the Craig rumor. Uh no, it’s because you scared the shit out of The Little Mermaid and made her cry. Oh and because you’re a crazy bitch.
Second, Juan. Sorry dude. Never a bang a chick just so you can stay at her place. At least not when you’re going to have to compete against her on a reality show in the future. I thought everyone knew that. Weatherboy gets all racist in his interview and goes “Adios Juanito! Adios!” in a really bad cartoon Mexican accent. Damn Weatherboy, that’s harsh. The cast goes back inside and that’s that.
That’s it for this week. I’ll be back next week and I’ll try to be a little bit more on time.