Well it’s a new week and a new episode of Bachelor Pad. I’m once again re-capping instead of sleeping, so let’s dispense with the preamble and do it to it.
Elizabeth’s plan to crush Jesse’s gameplay and back him into a corner has worked like a charm. He freely admits at the top of the episode that he needs to partner with Elizabeth and just tough it out in order to win. She’s really pumped. Hope Elizabeth enjoys the fake affection.
Natalie says she’s falling for Jesse B even though it wasn’t her plan. She’s crap at sticking to a plan because she threw it out the window the second Jesse B stepped in the house. Her and Jesse B try and talk strategy but it lasts about 10 seconds before he’s groping her and licking her face. Basically, they’re pretty close to fucking on camera. But Godspeed, you know? You only get one chance to act totally sleazy on national television. Oh wait, shit, no, these people get 2, 3, chances to be totally sleazy on TV. Hm.
The girls in the house that don’t go on the bizarre Bachelor vacations every year feel like they’re at a disadvantage because they’re less attractive slutty friendly with the guys and therefore need to team up on the challenges. They refer to themselves as “outsiders.” Not sure how they see teaming up on Twister or pie-eating working out, but OK. Instead of teaming up just walk around topless. Pretty easy.
The weekly competition is pie eating. Which is awesome. Though after Fear Factor, all eating challenges look absurdly easy. And certainly nothing to complain about. Gia’s worried because A) she doesn’t like pie B) she’s hasn’t had more than 300 calories in a sitting since high school. I’m just looking forward to seeing all these girls sitting around the pool afterward with little food babies in their stomachs, groaning and complaining about how fat their asses are going to be.
Before the competition even begins Krisily starts crying because she doesn’t have a gall bladder and eating too much could put her in the hospital. So? I don’t think you have to cry about it. Just let them know and sit it out. If you’re whiny and annoying about it they’ll vote your ass out. David says she should have sucked it up and eaten anyway. Hahaha.
The comp starts and Elizabeth says that it tastes like puke. I doubt it. It seems to last for about 5 minutes before the girls all start hurling. In the competitive eating world this is called a “reversal.” Competitive eating rules dictate that you are disqualified for a reversal. Not the case here. I do not approve. Although at one point Tenley spits up on her pie and then proceeds to eat it anyway. It comes down to Gia and Tenley. Wes is encouraging Gia to scarf it down because he wants to bang a bikini model but Gia just thinks he’s super nice (guess she didn’t watch The Bachelorette).
She goes, “I was doing what Wes told me to do. I wanted to stop… I was gagging, and I just kept listening to everything he said.” Mind you this was about pie eating. Gia starts doing the Kobayashi Shake proving that this isn’t her first rodeo. Gia takes the win.
It’s time for the guys and Weatherboy is complaining about going up against these big dudes. He also thinks he’s on the block for some reason. All the big dudes start complaining straight off. Maybe even worse than the girls. They’re like, “Where’s all the protein?” Craig, for some bizarre reason, decides to stick his ridiculous hair into the pie. He says it’ll soak up pie. It didn’t.
It comes down to the stretch and even though he’s dry-heaving, Weatherboy manages to lick (yes, lick) the rest of his pie off the table and take the win.
I have to take a moment here to point out something weird. When these people finish, their faces are covered in pie. And yet, in the interviews, they just have strategic little dollops of pie on their faces, like tip of the nose, cheeks, a little on the chin maybe. So what, the producers let them wipe some of the pie off their face but not all? Does that not sound really weird? I think they re-applied pie to their face for dramatic effect. Also, you can see the girls in the background during the guys’ stage and their faces are all pie-free. God I hate “reality” TV.
Craig talks to Jessie about strategy while Weatherboy talks to Gia about strategy. Both duos are worried about the girls that are paired up in the house. But if I think they’re all fucked. Krisily tries to be really cute and nice so that Weatherboy will give her a rose so she won’t get kicked out. Silly Krisily, guys don’t like girls that don’t have gall bladders. Weatherboy proves this point when he doesn’t even invite Krisily on the date. Instead he picks Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.
Kovacs thinks that Weatherboy is a real gamer because he invites only single girls on his date. I don’t know about you, but I prefer taking girls with boyfriends on my dates. It makes it so much easier when you know there’s no chance for romance or dry humping. Like, who needs that stress? Maybe he just picked the only 3 girls on the show shorter than him. The date is basically putting paint on your body and then rolling around on a canvas. Unfortunately it’s the four least sexy people on the show. It’s seriously lame. Oh, they continue to list Gwen’s age as “??”.
Back at the house, the girls that aren’t paired up sit in their beds and complain about not being an insider instead of going out and making friends. Good strategy. Elizabeth sits with both Kiptyn and Natalie and calls Weatherboy’s entire strategy of uniting the outsiders. Well, she’s certainly clever.
While this is going on Weatherboy’s talking to the girls on his date and gets Peyton and Ashley (maybe) on board with his plan. He decides to not try and sell Gwen on his plan but wants to hit on her instead. He says they have a lot in common but she’s so old that her age can’t even be computed using normal human units. They show a lot of Weatherboy talking about her but wait until after he gives her the rose to show her talking about him. “A lot of people in the house think that Jonathan likes me but that’s not gonna happen. In a million years. Guarantee you that.” Ouch. Poor dude. I don’t think a single chick in the house has said that he’s attractive or a romantic option in any way.
The next day Gia sits down with Weatherboy and lets him know that Craig’s getting the rose and that Ashley’s lying to him about being on his side and that she and everyone else makes fun of him. Weatherboy’s like, “Cool, cool, yeah, OK. Cool.” And Gia’s like, “you’re an idiot. You don’t get what I’m saying at all.” And he really doesn’t seem to. Or he’s just masking his pain behind a dull smile.
Gia gets her date card and picks Craig and Wes and then pretends to pull the third name from a bowl but really all the names are Jesse B. Well isn’t that clever? She wants to pull one of the insider dudes to her side but didn’t want to make it look too obvious. Hope no one reads those other slips of paper.
On the date, Gia pulls Craig aside and tells him that he’s getting the rose. That he has her word and she always keeps her word. Ok. Then she pulls Jesse B aside and they paint shitty Henna tattoos on each other.
After this Gia tells Jesse B the entire plan, which is probably a really big mistake. He’s definitely telling Natalie even though he says he won’t. Gia goes, “Don’t shoot smoke up my butt.” Close enough I guess.
Back at the house, Jesse K and Elizabeth make out and then have sex in the shower. Good work, Kovacs.
Back at the date, Gia pulls Wes aside and they do hand massage with jasmine-scented water (gay). Gia’s totally snowed by Wes’s pokey, slurred, slow, retard speech. He sounds drunk all the time. Wes tells her that he wishes things were different and that she’s beautiful and then he says he loves her. Like in a real way. She says if things were different she’d be into him too and then she cries. She says, “Everyone has it wrong about you.” That’s what the girls that love assholes say, because assholes are always nice to the girl, at least at first. Oh well. She’s dumb. She’s now conflicted about who to give the rose to.
After the break Gia gives the rose to Wes, totally screwing Craig. She fell for Wes’s bullshit hook, line, and sinker. She says she followed her heart. Why would she do that if she has a boyfriend? Fucking stupid.
Back at La Casa, Jessie S puts her flirt on with David so she can make sure she’s safe. Then she makes out with him and I puke a little bit. Krisily tells Kiptyn about it and she tells him they should vote Jessie S off since she plays both sides.
The next morning Jesse B is like, “Gia is girlfriend material. Natalie’s cool, but Gia…” Then he goes outside and basically dumps Natalie. GREAT move dude.
Gia gets her girls together and the plan is to vote for Kiptyn. That’s five votes for him, and five for (probably) Craig. As the competition winner, Gia gets to break the tie. I hope we get a tie. That’s exciting. I also hope Gia again changes her mind and totally fucks Craig. If only because it would be hilarious.
Time for the vote. Harrison’s again made an odd tie choice:
Elizabeth goes, “I don’t think mine and Jesse’s relationship is any different than like Tenley and Kiptyn’s.” Tenley goes, “Well, physical differences.” And then Elizabeth is like, “Wow, OK. You’re just gonna put that out there on the table.” And you get to see Tenley go from normal to crying in like 3 seconds. It’s awesome. She’s such a spaz.
Time for the vote. Elizabeth does the same math that Gia did, but she doesn’t think five votes is a tie for some reason. David goes to Jessie S and tells her that all the dudes want to vote her out for playing both sides. She cries and he goes to get the bros to change their votes when she promises to vote for Craig. It’s super weird that the contestants are all able to talk and strategize during the voting. Like, there’s so much time that all the guys can get together, do the math, figure out that they can still turn Nikki so they send Kiptyn to talk to her and make her cry and (possibly) change her vote. Kiptyn plays it really nice but he doesn’t make any sort of political play. It’s just all emotional. Could be a crucial error. I hope the poor man’s Sandra Bullock doesn’t screw this up.
Time to reveal the votes. They really play up the tension even though we know between 4 people who’s going home. They could hurry this up a bit.
The losers are: Jessie S (BOOOOOO) and Craig (oh man, that snatch Nikki totally betrayed her friends and ruined my tie-breaker ending). It’s ironic that Jessie S got kicked off The Bachelor for being a wallflower and not standing out at all and then got kicked off Bachelor Pad for playing too hard.
That’s it for this week. See you next week!