Bachelor Pad Episode 3 Mini Recap
I dropped the ball this week. I was dead tired Monday and didn’t have it in me to put in the hours for a proper recap, but I want to get something up so here’s a mini recap of the action last night. And I do mean “action.”
- Ok first things first. Gia is really hot. But the way her upper lip doesn’t move at all drives me crazy. She’s a butter lip.
- Second, if Gia has a boyfriend outside the house, why is she here? “BACHELOR” Pad.
- Third, having a boyfriend stops her from a stupid kissing contest, but it doesn’t stop her from cuddling up to—and spending all her time with—Wes, the biggest asshole in Bachelorette history (well, one of, the biggest)?
- Fourth (and final Gia point, for now), we get it, you have a boyfriend. We get it, you need to excuse yourself from this challenge. Why are you a sobbing mess over this fact? Shut the fuck up and go back to photo modeling so I don’t have to look at you talking and crying all over the place.
- Elizabeth violently jerking away from all the guys as they first touch her for a kiss is pretty funny. Why is she so surprised? You can hear them walking up.
- Elizabeth definitely knew when it was Kovacs. “There were some sparks there!”
- Weatherboy can never show his face anywhere after this episode. From the slams during the kissing contest, to straight up mocking him in interviews, he was dissed again and again, all night. It’s hilarious, and sad. Natalie makes a stink face after kissing him and fucking Elizabeth hams it up so much that she actually spits into hand and washes it in the pool while dumb shit Weatherboy is like, “Ooooo! There was some nibbling there!” Barf.
- Natalie’s pretty hot. Yes, she’s a slut. Yes, she’s stupid. I’m sorry, what was I saying?
- Tenley. Can we check her ID? Is she 8 years old? “OMG! Kiptyn! Giggle giggle! Do you think he likes me?”
- Dave mentions at least twice how much cooler it is to win a kissing contest than a pie-eating contest. So cool dude. SO cool.
- I read online today that no one tried to make out with Gwen. Not one tongue. It’s cuz she’s so old!
- Elizabeth makes out like she’s going to war.
- Peyton wins the kissing challenge for the girls.
- There’s someone named Peyton on this show.
- Ancient Roman soldier Dave won for the guys.
- Krisily wasn’t at all attracted to Dave until he put his tongue in her mouth. And then she’s REALLY into him. Like an unreasonable amount. I feel kind of bad for her. She thinks they have some magic chemistry because it was a good kiss. Uh, dudette, he won a kissing competition, you probably weren’t the only one that thought that.
- Wes talks in the most monotone, boring voice. He rarely says anything funny and when he does you can’t even really tell because it just dribbles out of his mouth.
- Krisily’s like, “I don’t think Natalie is someone Dave would bring home to his mom” like Dave is some classy, sophisticated guy. Seriously, when was the last time Krisily got laid?
- Peyton picks Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Jesse B. Tenley is flummoxed by this complex strategy of picking two guys who are paired up with girls. Why would she take two guys on her date who’s votes she needs? This makes no sense!
- The producers make all three girls get ready and dressed for a fancy date with Dave just so two of them can immediately get sent home. Dicks.
- This phrase drive me up a wall: “Are you serious right now?” Luckily, only dumb people say it. So it’s like, a little bit on this show, A LOT on Jersey Shore. “Are you serious right now?” “No, I was serious earlier, and I plan on being serious in the future, but right now, I was making an attempt at humor. I apologize that I have both confused and angered you.”
- Watching Dave try and read out loud is painful.
- Dave and Natalie opt to spend the night together in the fantasy suite. Shocker. She basically had a shirt on that said “Dave, I will fuck you.”
- The next day, both Natalie and Dave admit that they’re a couple now. One night and you’re boyfriend/girlfriend? Is this 6th grade? (note: I don’t condone getting drunk and fucking for 6th graders)
- They shouldn’t let Tenley talk. It’s just embarrassing for everyone.
- Despite it being her first night on the show, Peyton’s a cool chick. She’s cute too. Why wasn’t she the Bachelorette?
- Jesse B and Peyton hooking up seems weird. Like not organic at all. They still ended up humping in the “fantasy suite” AKA the master bedroom at the house. That’s right, Dave got a villa in Vegas with multiple pools, hot tubs, a putting green, 3 bedrooms, butler, 4.5 baths, jacuzzi tubs, butler, full bar, living room, den, library, study, observatory, etc, and Peyton got the shitty bedroom upstairs at the house.
- Gia says, “I never heard a song where I actually listened to the lyrics and I actually related to it.” Fucking seriously? What did you do when you were 16? How shallow can you get?
- BUT dumbest line ever on the Bachelor (which is saying a lot) goes to Gia for this: “[Wes] is like the modern day Shakespeare! But better! And cuter!” Let that marinate.
- The only interesting bit from the rest of the episode was Wes threatening Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Dave in order to save Gia. Pretty much guaranteed Gia going home. You don’t threaten gorillas.
- In the end, it’s Gia and Weatherboy that get sent packing. Weatherboy drops this pathetic last line: “I came here looking for money. Maybe some love. And I came home with neither one.”
- In the limo Gia says if she stayed another night she was going to tell Wes “how she felt.” Revulsion? Self-loathing? Hungry? We’ll never know.
End-note: Wes has reportedly been bragging back in Texas about how he broke Gia and her boyfriend up because they talk so much and he couldn’t handle it. Gia says they haven’t talked since the show. Sounds about right.
Again, I apologize for this horrible format and lack of photoshop shenanigans. Next week we’ll be back firing on all cylinders. Until then, PEACE!