Last week the contestants were forced to make out with each other. Statistically speaking, everyone in the house now has herpes. It’s math. This week promises to really up the TPE ratio (Tears Per Episode) as the producers fuck with their little lab monkeys even more. Let’s do it.
Wes lets everyone know that he’s upset, and that it “wasn’t Gia’s time to go home.” How does he think this game works? It’s not a big tit competition, why wouldn’t Gia go home? Dave takes offense to Wes’s slack-mouth rambling because he was the one that got put on the spot and had to send Gia home. Wes wants to fight Dave. YES. Do it! I’d love to see either one of them get their ass kicked. My money’s on Dave though, as he left to his own devices in the wilds of Greece as a young boy—cold, defenseless, hungry—only to return to his people a man, a Spartan.
But I bet Wes gets in bar fights all the time. Like every time someone tells him to get the fuck off the stage and stop singing the same fucking song over and over again.
Before Wes can set up a proper octagon for a mixed martial arts fight, the dumb dumbs get the first part of their challenge for the week: a survey to be taken in private. Nikki goes, “but we’re all sitting next to each other!” Uh, then move you twit. Tenley starts crying WHILE she’s taking it. Of course.
The next day every one gets up and has drama hangovers. Wes is so despondent about Gia that he forgets to put on his board shorts when he gets in the Jacuzzi:
It’s sad and gross at the same time. He thinks that Gia may have been “the one.” Awwwww. Sorry, shit bag.
It’s time for another big budget competition. Everyone is really worried about winning the competition so they’ll be safe. They get asked the questions from the surey and have to guess what the #1 answer is. Here are the questions and most commons answers:
Jesse B and Tenley win the roses and they find out that their dates are one-on-one dates and not group dates. Questions that should have been on the survey:
Might as well REALLY hurt them and give them all a chance to get slammed, as long as you’re putting “worst boob job” on there. The contest was enough to mess up Natalie, Gwen, Krisily, and Elizabeth. Maybe even more. They all crawl off to their own corners and cry. Natalie tries to hide in the shower. Idiot. Elizabeth hides in the closet to cry over her bad boob job and shallow personality. Kovacs comes in to comfort her and realizes that he’s in love with her. That’s sweet, I guess. Jerks in love.
Hey guys, guess who Tenley takes on her date? Dave! No, I’m kidding. She picks Kiptyn, natch. Can you imagine if they went to Disneyland? Tenley would just explode in a shower of cupcakes and glitter. The limo takes them to a helipad (Finally. I thought The Bachelor was losing it’s touch). Kiptyn tells us he’s never been in a helicopter. What? Wasn’t he on this show? They take helicopters to the fucking bathroom on The Bachelorette. They fly to Catalina. Up first, zip-lining. Tenley’s just all delighted screams and giggles the entire time.
Back at the house Wes is saying that his strategy is to break up the couples. Which is the same strategy people have been trying to pull off the entire season. Aren’t there more people coupled up than single?
Back on Catalina, Tenley and Kiptyn talk a little about their feelings and then he lays a big smooch on her. It’s hard to root against her. Is she childishly naive? Yes. A little stupid? Yes. A cry baby? Yes. Wait, I guess you can root against her.
Back at the house (again), Jesse B gets his date card. He picks Peyton, of course. Krisily whines about being a loser or something.
Back on Catalina (again), Tenley and Kiptyn pop some champers. Kiptyn is literally stunned at how far the cork goes. Maybe these two are destined for each other. Kiptyn tells Tenley that he feels the same way about her that she feels about him and her face is an expression of pure rapture and then she puts her tongue as far down his throat as it will go. Think she’s over Jake?
While Kiptyn tells Tenley how he feels, Kovacs is back at the house telling Elizabeth how strongly he feels about her. She doesn’t look as stupidly happy as Tenley but that’s just her way. They still make out.
Back on Catalina (AGAIN! Jesus, just finish a fucking scene) Tenley gives Kiptyn the rose. Did the producers think that a one-on-one date would go any differently? This show might actually be better at making couples than the regular Bachelor, which is weird considering how this started out as such a sleaze-a-thon. Although a show could hardly do worse than the Bachelor. Tenley pulls out the overnight card and they decide to go fuck. Was that too blunt?
They get back to the house the next morning and Kiptyn stops her outside and tells her that they need to tone it down and not play up their relationship inside the house. Tenley doesn’t get it at all. She’s used to singing with the forest creatures about her feelings, so she’s a little off her game having to keep it on the DL.
Jesse B and Peyton leave for their date. They arrive at an airfield and there’s an old bi-plane waiting for them. Their pilot looks familiar.
Meanwhile the housemates talk about whether or not Jesse B and Peyton will have sex or just make out. The verdict seems to be that they’ll just make out. Let’s see what happens:
Jesse B and Peyton land and immediately sit down to dinner. Jesse B realizes how stupid the whole rose thing is so he gives Peyton the rose right off the bat, which is fine. Jesse B reveals something that really changes their relationship—he’s never had a martini before. WHAAAAAT? How old is he? 12? He might be because he continues to grossly burp, tell Peyton that her eyes are “awesome,” chew with his mouth open, stick his finger up her nose, poor martini into his champagne, and generally just act like a retard. NO SEX FOR YOU!
Back at Casa De Herpes Krisily is trying to play the game. Her and Dave talk about how it’s important to be coupled with someone strong. Then they talk about their date. Dave goes, “I’m just glad I won best kisser. That was awesome.” He’s such a 6th grader.
On the date, they get the fantasy card. Peyton’s like “uh, yeah, let’s forgo the fantasy suite since you’re a fucking disgusting pig.”
They come back to the house and everyone knows Jesse B must have blown it because they’re not close at all and they all know that Jesse B is too stupid to pull off a convincing act.
The next day everyone talks about their votes. The only three dudes they can even kick off are Dave, Wes, and Kovacs. Not looking good for Kovacs. Dave needs to go flex around Krisily if he wants her to vote out Wes instead of Kovacs. Wes says that most people wake up and just want to hang out but this is “like his job.” It’s not “like” his job. It IS his job. He’s a shitty, unemployed musician.
Everyone gets ready for the rose ceremony.
Dave meets with Krisily and tells her that Gwen is going to be going home, if she’s willing to vote out Wes. This keeps the Bro Show in tact and they can help Krisily in the future. Krisily is down for this plan and feels kind of safe.
Kiptyn is reluctant to vote out Gwen though. The problem with this is if he doesn’t vote the same as Kovacs and Dave then Elizabeth will go home. The bros meet to let Kiptyn make his case. He’s super worried about feeling good about his vote. Sac up, Kiptyn, Krisily is better for your game. Onto the vote. The big losers are…
Krisily and Wes. I’m pumped Wes is going home. Kind of bummed Krisily is going home. I guess that’s weird, since she’s kind of bitchy. I kind of like her pathetic, desperate craziness. She’s PISSED at Dave. In his defense, Kiptyn’s kind of the one that fucked it up. Wes is mad that people want to have fun in the house. Again, I think he’s not really understanding how this game works.
Alright, that’s it for this week. Time for me to go to bed. See y’all next week. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….