Bachelor Pad Episode 5 Recap: Couples Unite!

Bachelor Pad Episode 5 Recap: Couples Unite!

2 Comments 07 September 2010

Last week Kiptyn and Tenley fell in love. Jesse B and Peyton fell out of love. Kovacs professed his love to Elizabeth for some reason. Wes threatened to beat everyone up. Wes and Krisily went home (weird). This week, 3 chicks are getting kicked to the curb. Time to even out the sexes I guess. Onto the show.

Chris Harrison comes out to let us know that 3 girls are going to be kicked out THAT morning. Wow. That’s intense. For Bachelor Pad anyway. It’s funny because there are 3 girls that aren’t banging dudes in the house, so guess what’s going to happen. Tenley’s worried, not because she might not win the money, but because her and Kiptyn JUST got close. Sweetie, if your relationship is dependent on an extra week on a shitty reality show, then it’s probably not meant to be.

So how are they sending people home? Spin-the-Bottle. Not sure why they used this model. The guys get in a group and Melissa Rycroft pulls her weight by spinning the bottle and the guy it lands on picks the girl he wants to stay by kissing her. Not how Spin-the-Bottle works.

The remaining pairs will be competing as couples. Kiptyn picks Tenley. Kovacs picks Elizabeth (but he at least calls her “unstable” first). Jesse B picks Peyton. Dave picks Natalie. Least surprising turn of events ever. Sucks for the girls that they didn’t know if you weren’t in a relationship by this point then you’d get sent packing.

Elizabeth says Gwen’s in her 40s. Is that true? She looks pretty good for 40+. The couples all split up to talk and giggle and possibly practice for a competition that they have no idea what it is. Because Elizabeth hopes that it’s a how-well-do-you-know-your-partner contest they decide to practice that. She hopes for this because her and Kovacs have been dating for 6 months. Despite this, Elizabeth is an idiot and doesn’t even know Kovacs’ brother’s name. Great plan.

Dave and Natalie just chill and talk about how awesome this is. Kiptyn and Tenley make out like it’s their last day on Earth. And Jesse B digs at an ingrown hair in his leg with a rusty screw while Peyton tries not to throw up.

Jesse B says the most bizarre thing he’s said yet: “I really want you to eat a banana right now.” “unh-uh.”  “COME ON.” Despite this, Jesse B does open a banana the smart way, even though they play stupid music while he defends it.

Time for the competition. The winners get roses and are safe. It’s a balloon toss. Each couple gets three balloons, and once they pop all three they’re out. What was their budget for this show? Jesse B and Peyton are the first ones out. Peyton takes it really hard, taking the blame. Kiptyn and Tenley are the next couple out. Tenley, surprisingly, does not cry. Kovacs and Elizabeth pop all three of their balloons, but Natalie and Dave need to make a successful toss to win. They drop one but catch the second, so they get immunity. And a date! (That was a sarcastic exclamation mark, just FYI.)

The couples split up again and discuss who they should vote out. Despite the popular theory that Peyton and Jesse B would be the ones to go home, the new idea seems to be that Kovacs and Elizabeth should maybe go home given how close they are.

The date card comes and it says that the couple will be spending the night “under the stars.” Dave says he has no idea what that could mean. Really? NO idea? Tenley goes one dumber and says, “Oh my gosh, what if you’re going in a rocket? They’re taking a rocket ship.” Fucking seriously? The show that just had a balloon toss competition is going to contract with NASA to send these two to outer space?

While the two newest members of America’s elite astronaut corp get ready for launch, Elizabeth and Kovacs go out front to talk and find a bright yellow Lamborghini. They decide to hop in because, well, who wouldn’t? It takes them strangely long to realize that it’s for Davalie’s date. Kovacs sits behind the wheel and sighs, “I would kill this.” Yes, Kovacs, you’d be SO good at driving on a date. You would totally win. Then they get frisky all over the car.

Dave and Natalie hop in the car and head off for their date. How do they know where to go? Did they skip the part where they got another card or something?

Back at the house, Jesse B is being a negative Nelly. Peyton’s like, don’t be dumb, Natalie and Tenley aren’t so sold on Elizabeth and Kovacs. Jesse B’s mood picks up.

On the date, Davalie get classy and take “sexy” pictures with the car. Then they go to a mansion that was on some other season or something and eat sushi on the floor. It looks indoors, but the sound guys play cricket sounds the whole time. I don’t know if this is because they’re actually outside or if they’re just underlining how fucking boring these two are. They end up in the hot tub talking strategy.

At the house, Tenley and Kiptyn get it on in the hot tub and Elizabeth and Kovacs decide to go hump in the fantasy suite. They get in the whirlpool tub in their swimsuits because the cameraman’s like right there. Then they hop in bed and Kovacs pretty much begs for sex while Elizabeth begs for romance. Tenley sneaks upstairs like a 16-year old and comes downstairs and tells everyone what’s going on.

After sex Elizabeth complains about how Kovacs puts zero effort into romancing her. Eventually she tells Kovacs that she loves him. He does not reciprocate. Burn. The next morning Dave and Natalie come home and snuggle in bed with Jesse and Elizabeth. Aw, cute.

Natalie is not a fan of Kovacs and Dave’s relationship. She tells Peyton to talk to Tenley and sell her on keeping Peyton and Jesse B. Peyton does so and it seems to work pretty well. Tenley goes to Kiptyn. He’s definitely not sold on keeping Kovacs, but he wants to do some soul-searching. Ok, bro. Natalie tells Dave she wants to kick out Kovacs but Dave’s not having it. What’s a girl to do? Well it turns out that votes are being cast individually. Tenley and Natalie get together and make a pact to kick out Kovacs and Elizbeth instead of Jesse B and Peyton.

Jesse B goes to work on Kiptyn and tells him he’ll trade his loyalty for his vote. It seems to kind of/maybe work. Onto the results. Elizabeth and Kovacs are safe. Jesse B and Peyton go home. How does that work? Well, Natalie changed her mind, even after pinky-swearing/simulated fellatio, and I guess Kiptyn voted to kick out Jesse B and Peyton as well. Sorry kids, enjoy your limo rides all over the valley and up and down Wilshire Blvd.

‘Til next week, PEACE!

Your Comments

2 Comments so far

  1. Brian says:

    And while I’m here on my own post, can I just say that this show fucking blows?

  2. monkey says:

    i am looking forward to the finale so the misery will finally end..

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