The Bachelor: Talladega Nights

The Bachelor: Talladega Nights

12 Comments 01 February 2011

There are 11 girls left. 11. I probably know 6 of them. I wonder if the producers will force Brad to get rid of a girl that’s well-known. Hmmm… The Harrison comes right out this week and tells the girls that they’re leaving LA for Las Vegas and that Brad has already left. Probably to gamble away his show earnings and sleep with some prostitutes before the girls show up (for real, that dude must have some serious blue balls by now).

So off they go to Vegas. To the Aria. The same place they were at last season when they went to Vegas. I think the girls are even in the same suite that there was a one-on-one dinner in. [Side-note: I’ll be staying at Aria in April. I think my room won’t be as nice…]

The first date is a one-on-one with Shawntel, the funeral director/embalmer/necrophile (really cute necrophile though). He takes her to the Crystal Mall at City Center which is pretty awesome looking and tells her that anything she wants is hers. Say what?! This is going to end up like that Michael Jackson interview where he walked through a Vegas antique shop and dropped like $2 mill. Here’s the mall directory. This is just woman porn. Pure and simple.

Love when Shawntel comes home with her bags and the girls are like, “oh my fuck!” Except Emily, who’s like, ho-hum, it’s like Thursday for me. Michelle almost kills her and gets this disgustedly jealous look on her face at every item she looks at.

Shawntel is just beside herself. She’s so happy that one of the girls, I don’t even know her name goes, “Really? Little gag reflex, give me a break. It’s your first date. You’re not a couple yet.” Strong words coming from a girl I’ve never even seen before.

Jake, errrr, Brad comes over to pick up Shawntel and all the girls have to sit there and watch Shawntel come down the stairs all dolled up for the date. They go to the roof (of course) for dinner (wait, where’s the pool? What the hell?). Shawntel decides it’s time to tell Brad what she does for a living. When she asks if he wants to know about embalming he says “I’m fascinated, I really am.” I’m pretty sure Brad is a robot programmed with a few key phrases.

As Shawntel goes from tapping a major artery to replacement fluids to felching, Brad’s face gets more and more sweaty. He can’t eat. As she finally gets to how to shape an ear from penis flesh, Brad does a full on face-palm.

Finally the champagne can’t take it anymore and its cork just pops on its own and that stops her from talking. They watch a fireworks show together and she gets the rose.

The next day brings a group date. And we’ve all seen it coming in the previews. It’s to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway—the local NASCAR track. Which, in case you didn’t know, is a total dick move since Emily’s fiancé (Ricky Hendrick) was not only a the son of the owner of the biggest team in NASCAR (Hendrick), he also used to be a racer. The Harrison has defended this move by saying they needed to “force the issue” and make Emily confront her past. I guess the private plane wasn’t enough? Why don’t they just put Brad in a Ricky Hendrick mask, or get Ricky’s corpse and shoot it out of a cannon into the track infield?

The girls are all delighted (well, almost all delighted) to learn that they’ll be racing NASCAR cars on the track. Emily looks like she wants to hurl the entire time. She says that Brad doesn’t know about her fiancé’s job. That didn’t come up when they talked about his death?

Brad can tell that Emily is upset so he pulls her aside. It’s a weird conversation. She’s like, “I just wanted to get away from it all since NASCAR’s such a big part of my life in Charlotte” and Brad goes, “Can I ask you what got you involved in NASCAR?” Huh? That’s a weird response. She tells him that Ricky’s last race was at the Vegas track. Nice. These producers are good guys. Not only is this an asshole move to put Emily through this, it’s totally unfair to all the other girls. …I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Anyway, Emily sacs up and takes the wheel. Not sure how she drives through that veil of tears, but good for her. It would be awesome if she just fucking booked. Like, “Hell y’all, I been racin’ since before I could walk!” She doesn’t.

They go to dinner later and Brad pulls Emily aside. Duh. Brad says that it’s hard to try and fill the shoes of, you know, her dead fiancé. Emily’s like, “great, another guy running away.” Well, dudette, stop wearing his ring. The girls all kind of bitch and make Brad feel bad about spending time with Emily except Michelle, who just makes out with him. She’s crafty. She’s got her eyes on the prize. He gives Emily the rose because what else is he going to do. Chantal is starting to crack.

The next day is the dreaded two-on-one date. It’s Ashley H vs Ashley Something Else (the NY nanny). It’s like Thunderdome.

Brad takes them to the Cirque Du Soleil Elvis show where he says, I’m not kidding, “I love [and you think he’s going to say Elvis] Cirque Du Soleil.” Really? Love it? Maybe we’re going to learn the real reason Brad can’t decide on a woman…

They join some of the cast for rehearsals. Ashley H is having way more fun and being more cute while Other Ashley just acts sad. Good times! They make Brad pick which one of the girls he wants to have in the show with him. Brad ends up keeping Ashley H (even though Other Ashley is cuter), which is good so she can freak out some more on group dates before she gets kicked off. Maybe Brad and Emily can hire Other Ashley to be a nanny for Emily’s kid. Other Ashley proceeds to break down in her interview while a gorilla comes in and takes her bag away.

The next day, Brad gets on the phone with his therapist. WE GET IT. Jesus.

Before the rose ceremony Brad talks to Chantal because he doesn’t even really like her anymore since she’s acting like a jealous bitch. Then he talks to Alli, who complains about never getting time with Brad. He brings her a mini-cake that has green on it because that’s the color she was wearing the first night. Those producers are so sweet. Alli will never make it.

Marissa, the unknown chick I made fun of earlier gets some one-on-one time after making this face of a champion:

She gives him notes that he’s supposed to open at some point. Next he sits with Britt. I wouldn’t even comment on this, but is she wearing lucite stripper heels?

They don’t even show them talk really. Michelle takes him aside after and she goes all fatal attraction on him. She’s bossy and commanding and tells him to shut up while she pets his face and tells him what to do. Then she says, “let’s go send some girls home” and then makes out with him. She REALLY respects him the way she talks down to him. CUCKOO!

And apparently he likes crazy because she gets the first rose.

The girls that go home are the last two girls I don’t know. The note-girl Marissa and some girl that I’ve kind of seen on the show, but literally could not tell you one thing she did or said on a date. At least now I can refer to these remaining girls by name.

Marissa says the she really put herself out there by coming on this show. You know who else says that? EVERY SINGLE GIRL ON THIS SHOW.

Alrightie, that does it for this week. Next week, we start the tropical vacations, by far the best part of this show. See you in Costa Rica!

Your Comments

12 Comments so far

  1. Nancy says:

    Yikes I can’t stand that conniving Shawntel. She is scaryand going to be VERY controlling.

  2. Nancy says:

    Sorry I posted that – I got the name wrong – It’s the girl that just wants the other all gone. Thinks she’s the only adult (mature) one. Shawntel I like

  3. Liotte says:

    I didn’t watch his first time around as the Bachelor, but I don’t get why the producers chose Brad again. He is boring, he sounds like a machine (with a southern accent) when he talks to the girls. I kinda want him to end up with Michelle now. Emily is too nice for him. He can follow his dick to Michelle and let them live happily ever after. Or for a week of sex and then go their separate ways. Then Brad can call his ridiculous therapist, and be told that he got money and sex out of the show so why is he complainging? Um Brad, maybe trying to be set up on tv isn’t the best way to find love. Try looking for normal girls who are within 10 years of your age.

  4. Pat says:

    Liotte…RIGHT ON! Although he did show some rare personality when he was laughing about Shawntel’s stories of embalming and cross-eyed kitties. He actually looked human for the first time and I liked his humor.

  5. TheAshley says:

    “Why don’t they just put Brad in a Ricky Hendrick mask, or get Ricky’s corpse and shoot it out of a cannon into the track infield?”

    OMG…I aspire to make my Bachelor commentary as good as yours. Seriously. You deliver every time.

  6. Christina says:

    I didn’t see him the first time around either. My first experience watching the Bachelor was the Jason year. Brad is pretty boring and it bugs me that he keeps judging girls, like Emily, by saying “You’ve been single for 6 years”. I kinda wanted to smack him. Yes, Asswipe, she has been single…she has gone through more in her 25? 26? years of life then some people do in a lifetime. And guess what, Brad…you’re single too and lookin’ for love, apparently in all the wrong places being that Michelle seems to be high on your list.
    The producers are complete asses as well! But I might be too being that I go back every week and watch it. I still think they went too far with the racing thing though. Not cool.

    Anyway, I enjoy your play by play! Keep ’em comin’!

  7. Roger Lodge says:

    I haven’t laughed that hard since last weeks post. Well done.

  8. Salty Ned says:

    I’m just happy that you successfully compared The Bachelor to Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Fantastic!

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