Ok gang, I’m sick, but I didn’t want to leave you feeling all alone with your feelings of contempt and ridicule, so Ima tough it out, despite the premiere of The Chicago Code and my complete lack of taste and smell. Let’s get to it.
chumps girls show up in Costa Rica and despite the majesty of Arenal Volcano, Brad immediately annoys me. I cannot stand the way he talks. “Hey Ladies. Come join me. Can you? Come down here. Please!” Brad’s sweating his balls off and the girls are wearing scarves and sweaters. After some pleasantries, he drops the invite for one-on-one for Chantal. Michelle reacts about how you think she would. She is VERY certain that the kind of guy that likes Chantal is NOT the man for her. We know this because she says it every fucking episode. Then she wishes for some form of vicious primate attack on Chantal’s date. Have you noticed how often she calls for violence? She’s fucking nuts. When she gets the boot, I hope she goes ape shit.
They go zip-lining in the rain, which is cool, and then try to eat dinner but they aren’t prepared for the rain and are strangely surprised by it given that they’re in a region known as a “rain” forest.
Everything Brad says is uninteresting. Everything. It is amazing. Totally flat-affect too. It’s mind-boggling that the producers brought this guy back. They run to Brad’s hotel room (convenient) and Brad think it’s great because this could be like any day. This is the second time he’s said that when out with Chantal and I wonder what his day-to-day life is like that it’s all helicopters, SCUBA, zip-lining, and rain forests. Is he James Bond?
Chantal changes into one of Brad’s shirts and he sounds pretty pervy when she comes out. He’s like, “Good God. I’m in trouble here,” while he hesitates before standing up like he’s got some wood going. Then he awkwardly walks into the bathroom. Mmmm-hmmmm.
Chantal says all the right things and Brad digs it. She’s going final two with Emily if she keeps her jealous bitch side in check (easier said than done).
The group date finds them rappelling down a waterfall. Michelle is pissed (of course) because she and Brad shared a repelling (oops, I mean rappelling) adventure on their date and he promised, promised, her that he would never go rappelling down “anything” with anyone else. Actually, I went back and checked and he promised he would never rappel off of a building with anyone else. So, BURN! Although it is weird she even asked him to promise that. She’s so petty and jealous. And psychic.
The girls are all very impressed with how encouraging he is and how he checks on each of them. Jesus. What else is he going to do? These girls must have the lowest standards.
Michelle pouts and pouts and pouts until Brad tells her that he saved her for last so they could go together and then she goes from hitting him (literally) to all like, yay! I really hate her.
After the trying 20 foot rappel they go hot tubbing to help ease their worries and strains. Of course one of the girls comments on how seeing the rose really changes the mood. Of course. Emily talks to Brad one-on-one and she tells him that she’s starting to like him but she sabotages relationships and he’s like, I know a therapist you can call.
Then they make out.
Back at the hizzouse, Alli freaks out over a fairly small beetle like it’s a fucking man-eater: screaming, crying, running. Brad hears it from the hot tub and even drops a rare “what the fuck is that?” that they have to bleep/blur out. It’s pretty awesome. Alli throws a full glass of wine at Chantal as she walks toward her with it. It’s probably the only intentionally funny thing to ever happen on this show. Good work, Chantal, I hope you win/lose.
Back in the hot tub, Michelle employs more emotional manipulation with Brad. She’s so insecure. When Brad tells her to chill and just trust him, she does the only thing she can and puts her tongue in his mouth, which is actually a pretty good strategy with Brad.
As a result of Brad’s confusion over Emily’s unwillingness to commit and Michelle’s bitchitude, he decides to not give out a rose, which would be surprising if they hadn’t already shown it before every commercial break. I like it if only because it’s like smacking Michelle in the face. Good work Brad.
The next day Brad rolls up for his one-on-one with Alli on a horse with another adult and two baby horses in tow. That sound you hear is girls all over America letting out a collective “AWWWWW!” Why are there two foals? The date is killing, skinning, and cooking baby horse. Ok, not really. It’s spelunking. Granted, it’s pretty casual, but still, bats and spiders. Which is pretty great because Alli is a huge pussy. Girls, key to a rose: act terrified, let Brad comfort you, act confident, make out. Rose!
Sidenote: Brad’s wearing his Tevas again. Creativegroove: don’t let Joe see this or he’ll wear Tevas forever. They are not acceptable.
They have dinner on a little (sinking) platform in the middle of some hot springs. It’s weird.
They make banal small talk and Brad gets bored. Not looking good for Alli, who’s never had a good time with Brad, so I don’t know why she’s still here. Alli better get him to a hot tub for some making out if she wants to stay in the game. Before she even has a chance to, Brad drops the hammer and kicks her ass out. She says she feels stupid. Why would you feel stupid? You’re having dinner on a cheap platform in the middle of a swamp set from 1973 with a guy who’s emotional range goes from mild disinterest to vague excitement while it’s all filmed for one of the cheesiest reality shows of all time. Where is the shame in that?
Brad says he needs some downtime to process so naturally Michelle shows up. She can do that? Why don’t girls do that all the time? There has to be some sort of penalty, right? God damn, I hate this show. Michelle makes out with Brad for a bit and probably secures herself a rose and then she starts telling him what to do again, unsecuring it. She even tells him the order she thinks he’ll send everyone home in and I think she’s pretty close—Britt, Jackie, Shawntel, Chantal, Emily, Ashley, with Michelle winning. I’d go Britt, Jackie, Ashley, Shawntel, Michelle, Chantal, with Emily winning. Michelle has some huge balls though.
Time for the rose ceremony. Brad looks like he’s having a nervous breakdown, which isn’t surprising. Emily has a good talk with Brad (I bet you didn’t even notice that I doubled the size of head in that screencap up there—that’s how big her dome is). Then Brad talks to Michelle and says that she’s scaring him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t mean in a serial killer kind of way. He’s like, “you sat there and listed the order of the girls going out” and in the most patronizing, clipped, annoying tone she goes, “Brad, you asked me to.” Which isn’t really true. God I hate her.
Shawntel sits down with Brad and wants to play the “Silence game” where you can “do anything” but you can’t talk. She uses it as an excuse to make out with him. Is this 6th grade? Shawntel, just try the old yawn-to-arm-over-the-shoulder bit next time.
By now the girls have figured out that Michelle snuck out to see Brad and get her to admit it. Michelle says that it’s not her fault they didn’t think of it first. At this point, all of the girls should go to the producers and tell them they’re walking if she stays on the show. Bullshit man.
Chantal, sensing a real threat from Michelle, tells Brad that she’s in love with him. Which he likes.
Time for the roses. Just one girl going home tonight (just one?). Ashley gets the first rose. Little surprised by that. Then Emily (thought she’d be first, but I guess you can’t tip your hand too early). Then Britt. Interesting. I’m pretty sure she’s only talked to Brad once this entire show. Shawntel. Down to Jackie and psycho hose beast Michelle. He punts Jackie and keeps Michelle, purely out of fear for the cast and crew. Weak. Oh well, it’ll keep it interesting. Tell me you don’t want to meet Michelle’s family? Amirite?
Okie dokie, I’m off to Nyquil-induced nirvana. ‘Til next time, peace!