The Bachelor: Bradley Pickelsimer

The Bachelor: Bradley Pickelsimer

10 Comments 08 February 2011

Ok gang, I’m sick, but I didn’t want to leave you feeling all alone with your feelings of contempt and ridicule, so Ima tough it out, despite the premiere of The Chicago Code and my complete lack of taste and smell. Let’s get to it.

First, I’d be remiss if I didn’t link you to Brad’s yearbook pics from an era when he was known as Brad Pickelsimer. No joke. (Thanks Jen!) With that out of the way, onto tonight’s debacle.

The remaining chumps girls show up in Costa Rica and despite the majesty of Arenal Volcano, Brad immediately annoys me. I cannot stand the way he talks. “Hey Ladies. Come join me. Can you? Come down here. Please!”  Brad’s sweating his balls off and the girls are wearing scarves and sweaters. After some pleasantries, he drops the invite for one-on-one for Chantal. Michelle reacts about how you think she would. She is VERY certain that the kind of guy that likes Chantal is NOT the man for her. We know this because she says it every fucking episode. Then she wishes for some form of vicious primate attack on Chantal’s date. Have you noticed how often she calls for violence? She’s fucking nuts. When she gets the boot, I hope she goes ape shit.

They go zip-lining in the rain, which is cool, and then try to eat dinner but they aren’t prepared for the rain and are strangely surprised by it given that they’re in a region known as a “rain” forest.

Everything Brad says is uninteresting. Everything. It is amazing. Totally flat-affect too. It’s mind-boggling that the producers brought this guy back. They run to Brad’s hotel room (convenient) and Brad think it’s great because this could be like any day. This is the second time he’s said that when out with Chantal and I wonder what his day-to-day life is like that it’s all helicopters, SCUBA, zip-lining, and rain forests. Is he James Bond?

Chantal changes into one of Brad’s shirts and he sounds pretty pervy when she comes out. He’s like, “Good God. I’m in trouble here,” while he hesitates before standing up like he’s got some wood going. Then he awkwardly walks into the bathroom. Mmmm-hmmmm.

Chantal says all the right things and Brad digs it. She’s going final two with Emily if she keeps her jealous bitch side in check (easier said than done).

The group date finds them rappelling down a waterfall. Michelle is pissed (of course) because she and Brad shared a repelling (oops, I mean rappelling) adventure on their date and he promised, promised, her that he would never go rappelling down “anything” with anyone else. Actually, I went back and checked and he promised he would never rappel off of a building with anyone else. So, BURN!  Although it is weird she even asked him to promise that. She’s so petty and jealous. And psychic.

The girls are all very impressed with how encouraging he is and how he checks on each of them. Jesus. What else is he going to do? These girls must have the lowest standards.

Michelle pouts and pouts and pouts until Brad tells her that he saved her for last so they could go together and then she goes from hitting him (literally) to all like, yay! I really hate her.

After the trying 20 foot rappel they go hot tubbing to help ease their worries and strains. Of course one of the girls comments on how seeing the rose really changes the mood. Of course. Emily talks to Brad one-on-one and she tells him that she’s starting to like him but she sabotages relationships and he’s like, I know a therapist you can call.

Then they make out.

Back at the hizzouse, Alli freaks out over a fairly small beetle like it’s a fucking man-eater: screaming, crying, running. Brad hears it from the hot tub and even drops a rare “what the fuck is that?” that they have to bleep/blur out. It’s pretty awesome. Alli throws a full glass of wine at Chantal as she walks toward her with it. It’s probably the only intentionally funny thing to ever happen on this show. Good work, Chantal, I hope you win/lose.

Back in the hot tub, Michelle employs more emotional manipulation with Brad. She’s so insecure. When Brad tells her to chill and just trust him, she does the only thing she can and puts her tongue in his mouth, which is actually a pretty good strategy with Brad.

As a result of Brad’s confusion over Emily’s unwillingness to commit and Michelle’s bitchitude, he decides to not give out a rose, which would be surprising if they hadn’t already shown it before every commercial break. I like it if only because it’s like smacking Michelle in the face. Good work Brad.

The next day Brad rolls up for his one-on-one with Alli on a horse with another adult and two baby horses in tow. That sound you hear is girls all over America letting out a collective “AWWWWW!” Why are there two foals? The date is killing, skinning, and cooking baby horse. Ok, not really. It’s spelunking. Granted, it’s pretty casual, but still, bats and spiders. Which is pretty great because Alli is a huge pussy. Girls, key to a rose: act terrified, let Brad comfort you, act confident, make out. Rose!

Sidenote: Brad’s wearing his Tevas again. Creativegroove: don’t let Joe see this or he’ll wear Tevas forever. They are not acceptable.

They have dinner on a little (sinking) platform in the middle of some hot springs. It’s weird.

They make banal small talk and Brad gets bored. Not looking good for Alli, who’s never had a good time with Brad, so I don’t know why she’s still here. Alli better get him to a hot tub for some making out if she wants to stay in the game. Before she even has a chance to, Brad drops the hammer and kicks her ass out. She says she feels stupid. Why would you feel stupid? You’re having dinner on a cheap platform in the middle of a swamp set from 1973 with a guy who’s emotional range goes from mild disinterest to vague excitement while it’s all filmed for one of the cheesiest reality shows of all time. Where is the shame in that?

Brad says he needs some downtime to process so naturally Michelle shows up. She can do that? Why don’t girls do that all the time? There has to be some sort of penalty, right? God damn, I hate this show. Michelle makes out with Brad for a bit and probably secures herself a rose and then she starts telling him what to do again, unsecuring it. She even tells him the order she thinks he’ll send everyone home in and I think she’s pretty close—Britt, Jackie, Shawntel, Chantal, Emily, Ashley, with Michelle winning. I’d go Britt, Jackie, Ashley, Shawntel, Michelle, Chantal, with Emily winning. Michelle has some huge balls though.

Time for the rose ceremony. Brad looks like he’s having a nervous breakdown, which isn’t surprising. Emily has a good talk with Brad (I bet you didn’t even notice that I doubled the size of head in that screencap up there—that’s how big her dome is). Then Brad talks to Michelle and says that she’s scaring him. Unfortunately, he doesn’t mean in a serial killer kind of way. He’s like, “you sat there and listed the order of the girls going out” and in the most patronizing, clipped, annoying tone she goes, “Brad, you asked me to.” Which isn’t really true. God I hate her.

Shawntel sits down with Brad and wants to play the “Silence game” where you can “do anything” but you can’t talk. She uses it as an excuse to make out with him. Is this 6th grade? Shawntel, just try the old yawn-to-arm-over-the-shoulder bit next time.

By now the girls have figured out that Michelle snuck out to see Brad and get her to admit it. Michelle says that it’s not her fault they didn’t think of it first. At this point, all of the girls should go to the producers and tell them they’re walking if she stays on the show. Bullshit man.

Chantal, sensing a real threat from Michelle, tells Brad that she’s in love with him. Which he likes.

Time for the roses. Just one girl going home tonight (just one?). Ashley gets the first rose. Little surprised by that. Then Emily (thought she’d be first, but I guess you can’t tip your hand too early). Then Britt. Interesting. I’m pretty sure she’s only talked to Brad once this entire show. Shawntel. Down to Jackie and psycho hose beast Michelle. He punts Jackie and keeps Michelle, purely out of fear for the cast and crew. Weak. Oh well, it’ll keep it interesting. Tell me you don’t want to meet Michelle’s family? Amirite?

Okie dokie, I’m off to Nyquil-induced nirvana. ‘Til next time, peace!

Your Comments

10 Comments so far

  1. Liotte says:

    I thought Chantal telling Brad that she loved him was so awkward! I don’t like her so much.

    I would have been psyched to go ziplining, caving, exploring hot springs, rappelling, etc. Why are all these girls such pansies and scared of everything??

    Brad gets more boring each week. He’s not interesting to watch at all, he’s such a machine. Ugh. Alli should have thrown a glass of wine at him too, that would have made it more fun!

  2. Cari says:

    I agree with Liotte about Brad getting more boring each week. He literally makes the same face for every emotion!

    Also notice you typed “Jake” instead of Brad right above the big-headed Emily picture. Too funny

    I literally LOL’ed that you doubled the size of Emily’s head…and you’re right, I didn’t notice until you pointed it out!

    Nice Wayne’s World reference with the “psycho hose beast” comment!

    Also, has anyone else noticed that Michelle looks uglier and uglier every episode? It could just be that I hate her personality now and that’s why I find her more unattractive than in the beginning of the season…or the producers are deliberately lighting her badly. It says she’s 30 but she looks WAY older!

    Also, notice that they started putting the girls’ ages next to their names again. I wonder why.

    • Brian says:

      Duh, the Jake thing was totally unintentional. I corrected it. I swear I wrote Jake instead of Brad like 5 times last night. I don’t know if it’s my cold of my increasing dislike of Brad.

      I think Michelle is doing more interviews without doing her makeup, which is why she’s looking worse. Not really a natural beauty.

      Regarding age, maybe that’s going to be something Brad starts bringing up?

  3. TheAshley says:

    LOL that you caught the misspelling of repelling too. I was cracking up about that and no one in my family had any clue why.

  4. FutureMrsDonatelli says:

    “Hey Ladies. Come join me. Can you? Come down here. Please!” HILARIOUS. My friends and I have started drinking every time he tacks “Please” on a sentence.

    On the Teva front, I will have to make sure Joe D. does not get wind of Pickelsimer’s fashion faux pas.

  5. Salty Ned says:

    Oh Michelle. When Brad asked what makes her soo confident she doesn’t see him w/ the other women, instead of giving anything resembling an answer she manufactures some fake tears. Puh-lease. Has that ever worked outside of high school?

    Allegedly it has.

  6. Salty Ned says:

    Why was Chantal O dressed like Fred Flinstone’s wife at the rose ceremony?

  7. Annesimpo says:

    Love LOVE this! Thank you! Even with a cold you have me rolling! Hope the nyquil did it’s job 🙂

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