Is it possible for this show to get any worse? We have a boring Bachelorette, 4 super boring contestants, 1 crazy manic contestant, and one super nice contestant (but still boring). And to top it off, they go to relatively cool locations and do super boring things. I can’t take it. This show isn’t fun to make fun of anymore. That being said, let’s wring some blood from this stone.
First things first, the group goes to Taiwan, which looks pretty cool but it doesn’t matter because Ashley refuses to do anything really interesting. Right off the bat Gay Ryan wants us to know how desperately he needs a one-on-one this week. Unfortunately, he does not get the first one, and because I used to watch Lie to Me, I notice this:
Constantine gets the first date and because the producers like to imagine that every country that isn’t America is living in the past, they take the Hogwart’s Express to another town.
The purpose of their jaunt is to go to a Kongming Lantern (floating paper lantern) festival. They two make a lantern, eat dinner, and then set their lantern aloft, along with a bunch of other lanterns that all seem to launch suspiciously nearby (producers?). My friend Liotte would like me to point out that despite the fact that the Chinese have been doing this for almost 2,000 years, that this was stolen from the Disney movie Tangled. I’d insert a screencap from the episode with their 20 or so lanterns, but I like this more:
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The next day Ben F gets his boring date. It sounds like they’ll be hiking and exploring a local gorge, but they just drive a scooter (note to Ben: a moped has pedals, hence “moPED”) and drive to a bridge and that’s pretty much it.
At dinner, Ashley says the wine is like the wine he brought on the first night. I don’t think he appreciates this. He’s like, “Ehhhhh, it’s similar. There are some differences. Like mine isn’t dog piss. But it’s close.” The weird thing is they never really show the date end. And then Ben never shows up the next morning. But it isn’t like they have that winky shot of a bedroom door closing. So I think Ben just crashed somewhere else because they couldn’t get him back to the hotel for some reason, but then Ben played it like he stayed with Ashley. Not that I care.
JP Gordon-Levitt does though! He is brooding like a mother f’er the next morning. Just in time for the group date. Which, in keeping with Ashley’s total lack of originality, is taking crappy wedding photos. Didn’t they do the fake wedding thing in like the first episode? This is awful. She makes the guys dress in traditional wedding outfits that range from bizarre (Sloth) to a normal tux (JP).
And then they pose in front of different backdrops that range from tacky (Country Boy—who’s name I still don’t know) to kind of cool (Sloth) to horribly, horribly cheap and ugly (JP).
After the photoshoot JP Gordon-Levitt complains about being jealous (I guess rightfully so) and he manages to get a rose out of it. So kudos to him.
The next day Gay Ryan, finally, FINALLY gets his one-on-one date.
The date lasts all of 10 minutes before Ashley kicks him off (doesn’t even wait for the Rose Ceremony) apparently because of his love of tankless water heaters (it didn’t make sense to me either—I think it might be because he wears a non-functional leather wrist band). He is crushed. Like more than any other dude. He dry heaves when he finds out. He walks off mid-interview to go cry amongst the shrubbery.
At the Rose Ceremony Ashley kicks off the Country Boy who’s name I never even learned. This season has been weird, I feel like it’s made up almost entirely of guys that would normally be kicked out in the first few episodes—JP and Bentley being the exceptions.
Normally I would go and try and shower the shame of watching The Bachelorette off me for the next 45 minutes, but last night’s episode had a little bonus segment: Emily returns.
Chris Harrison intros the segment by saying that of the hundreds of men and women on the show “many” have found their soul mates. I guess 8 people out of over 400 is “many”. Anyway, he acts like it’s a shock that Emily and Brad are no longer together. Like we all don’t read Us Weekly, amirite, ladies?
Anyway Emily arrives, actually crying as she gets out of the limo. They sit down inside and we learn almost nothing. Seriously, they pretty much just acknowledge that her and the lump of clay broke up and they’re still friends. That’s it. And it takes like 20 minutes.
I feel like almost everything she says is lip service and they’re just positioning her to be The Bachelorette next season (after The Bachelor, of course).
The Bachelor has to be the WORST way to meet someone. They basically trick you into having feelings by putting you in impossibly romantic and fun (unless you’re Ashley) situations. And then after you get engaged they force you to be apart for like 6 months while the show airs. How is that supposed to work?
Anyway, I’m out of here. Not sure when I can get to next week’s episode since I’m out of town until Tuesday night. But I will do my best. Until then, PEACE!