Happy V Day everybody! Another week, another tropical getaway designed to make these girls forget what living with Brad would actually be like. I look forward to the inevitable tropical storm, power outage, and hooked killer hunting the cast and crew down one-by-one. On with the show.
The crew arrives in Anguilla in the Caribbean and The Harrison wastes no times letting the girls know what to expect this week. Emily and her giant teeth get the first one-on-one date. Of course. I’m surprised the other girls haven’t pushed her down a flight of stairs yet. A helicopter shows up to pick up Emily and Brad. The producers have used more helicopters this season than ever before. I hate how self-satisfied Brad is every time a chopper shows up, like he’s planning everything and footing the bill. They get dropped off on a tiny deserted island and I kind of hope the crew forgets about them.
Brad tells Emily that he really, really likes her. Like really. SO romantic, you guys. He’s totally in like. Then they watch the sun set and the moon rise and blah blah.
Back at the house, Shawntel gets an invite for her one-on-one date. Britt feels left out because she’s had approximately 2 minutes of screen time so far this season. Producers, just kick her off the show. EVERYONE knows there is no way she’s making it to the end. It’s ridiculous.
Bremily are ready to go on one of the patented Bachelor Beach DinnersTM that are chronically over-lit and always seem like tourists are 20 feet away behind the cameras gawking at the date. Brad creepily pushes Emily to let him meet her daughter. She sighs and Brad immediately stops what he’s saying to comment on it. “Deep sigh, DEEP SIGH.” He loves playing therapist. Yeah, it’s not that weird that she doesn’t want you to meet her daughter if it isn’t going to work out. And no, you shouldn’t get engaged without meeting her daughter because guess what? You shouldn’t get engaged at the end of a fucking show either! Not when you have a kid!
In order to really seal the deal, Brad breaks all the rules and tells Emily that he’s going to give her a rose at the next ceremony. I instantly start praying that he doesn’t give her a rose and that he completely destroys her at the rose ceremony. They then have a pretty intense make out sesh in the water. She has this in the bag, so long as her daughter isn’t some creepy spawn of Satan (please let her daughter be some creepy spawn of Satan).
The next day Shawntel and Brad roll into town to mix it up with the locals. This includes partaking in a game of bones (dominoes to you).
And then they meet Auntie B, who the producers probably wish was a voodoo priestess but really she’s just some nosey local hippie. Then the two go picnic with some baby goats, the owner of which is probably wondering why two crackers are having a picnic on his lawn.
That night Shawntel and Brad have dinner in a little gazebo over the water. Shawntel goes, “and your parents are not together?” What? Has she not been paying attention this entire time? How many times has Brad talked about his daddy issues and how he never saw him? But Brad loves talking about himself since he started seeing a therapist, so he just rolls with it. Shawntel says that Brad will love Chico, which makes me wonder if Shawntel has ever actually been to Chico. Although Aaron Rodgers is from Chico, so I can’t trash talk too much. A badass reggae guy (Bankie Banx) comes out and the two get a little concert (with some locals—much better than that kind of weird private concert stuff).
The next day something so totally shocking happens that I can hardly believe it: Britt gets a one-on-one date. Michelle of course bitches about it and the huge yacht they go on (but have to swim out to, and with Britt’s legs I was actually concerned she might not make it). They go to some rocks and cliff jump. I kind of think Britt might jump and then just get blown away half way down. She does not.
Brad tells us that he wants Britt to keep taking chances so she’ll really open up. I like how Brad wants the girls to totally fall for him so he can then determine if they’re worth having feelings for or not. Good strategy.
They end up having dinner on the yacht. Brad has a steak, Britt has a dinner mint. For the first time I notice that Britt’s job is “Food Writer.” That’s a joke right?
After dinner Brad basically dumps Britt even though it’s not the part of the show where he’s supposed to. Interesting. I don’t know if that’s commendable or kind of an asshole move. Either way, making her jump off the back of the boat and swim to shore seems like a dick thing to do. Kidding. He lets her take a dinghy. The Dinghy of Lonely Sadness.
Britt gets back to the house and everyone is so happy to see her (because she’s not a threat at all) that it’s really sad how she has to tell them that she just got dumped. She’s pretty upset. These girls know there are other single dudes in the world right? Brad is not the last douche on Earth.
Brad breaks into the girl’s suite at 2 AM to get the girls for their group date, a photoshoot for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition (hits newsstands tomorrow, so check to see if any of these girls are in it). Chantal bemoans the fact that she’s been hitting the free Bachelor buffet like she’s on death row because she now looks 4 months pregnant (great move on a dating show). After picking out some swimsuits, they go to the beach for their shoot.
(I’m an asshole)
The photographer just keeps going, “beeeauteeful, gorgeous, beeautifullllll” but he manages to get the girls topless, so kudos. Michelle is the only one smart enough to get Brad in on the act and then proceeds to molest him. “Beeeauuuutifulllllll.”
The other two girls are all butt hurt that they didn’t think of it first and pout. Ashley puts Brad on blast and says that his time with Michelle makes her feel like she’s just the goofy friend. Fair enough. Brad already realized this. Then Chantal kind of pulls the same shit. Suck it up girls, get the rose and then make up time when you have Brad alone in the hometown date. Durrrrr.
Later in the date Brad pulls Ashley aside and she keeps going, “don’t send me home, you’re scaring me, don’t send me home, I’m scared” it’s annoying and pathetic. Brad rewards this behavior with a rose. Michelle and Chantal look like they want to rip Brad’s balls off. Then Chantal breaks down in tears. I think Brad is MISERABLE. He talks Chantal down off the ledge and she goes looking for the cheesecake bites that she hid in the toilet tank.
Rose ceremony time and Chantal, Michelle, Emily, and Shawntel are up for eviction. I hate to say it, since I used to like her (used to), but I think Chantal is getting the boot. Brad asks to talk to Chris and asks him if they can just skip the cocktail party since he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t want to waste time. I kind of like Brad right now. The girls head down to the beach for the execution.
Emily gets the first rose. Well, that’s easy to guess.
Shawntel gets the second. The Harrison comes out and does what he does best. “This is the final rose tonight.” Thanks Chris.
Chantal! Michelle gets the boot. Woooooow. Wowie wow wow. We don’t get to see Michelle’s hometown? Her daughter? Her parents? Bummer. Michelle is about as happy as you’d imagine. She won’t touch or talk to Brad. Haha. Brad’s like, makes that easier! Michelle opts to take a stress nap in the limo instead of talking to the producers. I love it.
F this show. Dammit, they make me want to travel so bad. Who wants to go to Anguilla?
Until next time, peeps, smoke ’em if you got ’em. Oh, and follow me on the Twitter. Post your Twitter name down below and I will do likewise. PEACE!