Usually this is the week when I get a bunch of fresh new faces to openly mock simply because a child or sibling decided to appear on a horrible reality show, but alas, the families were all sadly decent, cool people. Given the extreme boredom induced by this episode, I’m doing a fly-by. I’m just going to touch on each visit real quick.
Chantal O – Seattle, Washington
Brad leaves NY (why NY I do not know) to hit up Chantal’s hometown of Seattle. They meet in a park to catch up before heading to Chantal’s house. We meet Chantal’s two cats, who are, of course, aloof and indifferent, surprise, and her dog, a pomeranian she’s had groomed into a sad little fluff ball with body image issues, no dignity, and is forced to accept attention and affection from anyone not too embarrassed to lavish it.
After meeting the two lame cats and ridiculously adorable, sweatered dog, they go to Chantal’s parents’
house mansion palace for dinner. If the dual staircases in the entryway aren’t a hint, then maybe the massive granite columns let you know that this family has some scratch.
They’re also really cool and laid back. And the mom’s MILFitude bodes well for Chantal’s future. Brad hit the jackpot! The dad bonds with Brad in the wine room and it all goes very well.
Ashley – Madawablahblah, Maine
Ashley reminds me of Chantal’s dog. Cute, happy, and ultimately too small and annoying to be of any interest to me. But it’s Brad’s show and he likes her. They go to the restaurant where Ashley used to work for some poutine (to be clear, they go to the restaurant for poutine, Ashley didn’t work for poutine), which Ashley acts like it’s a really exotic dish no one in the world knows about (has she never seen Super Troopers?) and she gets mad (like really mad) at Brad when he tries to eat it with a fork. Ugh, Brad, don’t listen to Ashley, use the fork. Please don’t get your dirty fingers all up in the gravy fries. Brad wants to speak some French with the waitress, so when asked how he’s doing he replies, “Sí” which wouldn’t make sense even if he had spoken French.
After the poutine they pick up lobsters and fresh veggies and head to Ashley’s house and I think Ashley bombed the house with Nitrous before they showed up. Everyone is giggly and high as a kite.
Strangely, Ashley’s tatted-up sister seems to be the matriarch of the family. She does all the talking, the toast, she sits at the head of the table. It’s weird. Unfortunately, that pretty much seems to be the only weird thing about this family. They’re all nice, and again, pretty normal. Which makes me think they hunt homeless people in the warm summer months. Brad, check the freezer for severed heads.
Shawntel Cellular – Chico, California
Well, the dates couldn’t ALL be normal. Shawntel has absolutely no idea how weird she is. She meets Brad in the mausoleum and gives him the full tour–which includes the delightful crematory (they can do 3 a day!) and the embalming lab, where she gets Brad to lie on the fucking table. Gross man! They drain bodies on that shit!
She seems way too pleased/happy about what she does. It’s fucking creepy. I don’t want to hear about a surgeon talking about how to take out a kidney, let alone an embalmer talking about scraping a dead person’s brains out. Damn, I think she’s so hot but there is something seriously wrong with her.
They head to her family’s house for dinner and it goes well until Shawntel lets it slip that she’d be moving to Austin if she “won” and her dad is like, “uh… I have retirement plans that involve you taking over the FAMILY business.” She didn’t discuss this with her dad first? Awkward. Ultimately he talks to Shawntel and they work it out and he gives Brad his blessing. Yawn.
Emily – Charlotte, North Carolina
Brad FINALLY meets the woman of his dreams: Emily’s deaf daughter Ricki. She’s super shy and super cute. They fly a kite and get along pretty well despite all the fake drama in the commercials. They hang at the park for a bit before heading back to Emily’s house and Ricki’s studio apartment upstairs. It’s seriously bigger than my apartment.
Ricki proceeds to hand Brad and Emily their asses in Candyland. Brad’s so pissed that he refuses to make out with Emily, but he does give her a really long, overly sincere speech and Emily’s pissed. Actually Brad’s not making out with Emily because he doesn’t want to traumatize little Ricki if she happens to walk down stairs. Emily’s speechless. Brad’s a tool. He actually gets kind of mad at Emily for wanting him to kiss her. Abruptly he’s like, “Ok, I have to go.” They end up making out at the door on his way out anyway. Maybe Brad’s all talk and he’s not really ready for fatherhood. Hmmmmm…
Rose Ceremony – NY NY
Short and sweet here. They make all four girls fly all the way to New York so one of them can get right back on a plane and head home. The loser (winner) is Shawntel Wireless. After not giving her a rose, Brad sits her down and lets her know that he just doesn’t feel the same about her as she does about him, which is to say he feels both creeped out and also guilty about taking her away from her dad and the family business. Poor Shawntel. Sweetie, if you feel like embalming in Los Angeles, I will totally take you out to a nice funeral and dinner.
That is all for this week. Next week we’re off to the land of apartheid, rugby, and District 9–South Africa!