God, is this show finished yet? Can we just skip to the Brad/Emily Wedding Special, so I can ignore that and go on with my life? No? Mother F’er. Tonight Brad and the dregs head to South Africa so Brad can spend some time with Ashley and Chantal in between time he spends with Emily.
The episode starts (and by “starts” I mean after 8 minutes of previews and recap) with Brad taking the lonely man safari into South Africa. Luckily he doesn’t have to ride solo for long because he meets up with Chantal, whom he forces to take a guess on their date and when she correctly guesses “safari” he’s like, “fuckin’ way to ruin the surprise.” We’re then treated to shots of them looking at things, mixed in with shots of animals, which could be stock footage for all we know.
They eventually picnic on the banks of a gentle river. With a hippo in it. No big deal, hippos are cute! Never mind that they kill more people than any other animal in Africa or that they have no fear of humans or that they can run 18 MPH on land. How fast can Chantal run when she’s 4 months pregnant? Speaking of that, at their dinner (which thanks to editing seems to take place IMMEDIATELY after lunch) Brad wrings his hands while Chantal talks about shotgunning a wedding. Trying to get to the altar before your water breaks, eh?
Brad pulls out the Hump Card (aka the Fantasy Suite Invite) and Chantal wants to go right away. Bow chika bow wow! The Fantasy Suite is a tree house in the middle of the savannah. Both snakes and leopards are expert tree climbers. Just saying.
The next day it’s time for Brad to hang out with his future ex-fiancée Emily. He says that he missed her and he’s been counting the seconds, which isn’t the easiest thing for Brad—he can only get to the low hundreds before he has to start over.
He asks Emily to wait while he goes and gets an elephant for them to ride. They ride their slave labor to the elephant sanctuary and watch little baby elephants (future slaves) play while they drink wine.
Throughout the date Brad really likes saying creepy things about her daughter like “I’ve missed you–I’VE MISSED YOUR DAUGHTER” and “I’ve though about her A LOT” and “EVERY minute you and I spend, she could be right there.” Ew, I hope not every minute. Brad says he’s definitely ready to be a father to a 5 year old. And Emily melts.
When Brad pulls the Hump Card at dinner, Emily acknowledges that she has a daughter and needs to set an example, but she wants to talk to Brad without 5 camera men, 7 boom mic operators, 12 ADs, and 2 producers just hanging out, so she takes it. SLUT! (kidding)
In the room she tells Brad that she’s falling in love, which is a better thing to say than “I love you,” I think. He says the same thing, which is the most he’s confessed to so far (this season) if my beer-soaked brain is recalling correctly. Can we all just quit pretending that Emily isn’t going to win/lose?
The next day, Brad takes Ashley through the woods to a helicopter. She freaks out and runs in circles because she’s super afraid of flying in a helicopter. How she made it this far in The Bachelor without getting in a helicopter is anyone’s guess. They fly to a place called “God’s Window” and picnic.
Brad tries to get to the bottom of what Ashley REALLY wants since she’s so career- and education-driven. He asks where she wants to live and she doesn’t say Austin—the one place Brad insists on living. It’s basically the only date where he’s listing problems. Doesn’t bode well for Ash.
Dinner just gets worse. Brad brings up the Austin thing and how they aren’t getting along like they used to. The vibe’s all off, it’s bad. They go back to the Fantasy Suite and it doesn’t really get any better. It’s basically, disagree about something, silence, comment on something in the room. Over and over. Great date.
The next day is the Rose Ceremony and Brad can’t even start. He pulls Ashley aside and is like, “What the hell happened?” and she cries and makes excuses. Brad tells her to GTFO before going back to the Rose Ceremony. Way to ruin the tension, Brad! He walks Ashley to her car and she’s not really cool with him and he’s like, “Why are you like this?” Um, fucking guess, Brainiac. She goes, “I’m a little heart-broken” and he goes, “Me too.” She should be like, “Fuck that! No you aren’t! You’re going back to TWO other girls that you like MORE you self-absorbed prick.” Unfortunately, she just hops in the safari vehicle and takes off. Ah well, I guess Ashley’s not a fan of good television.
Now that Ashley is gone, Brad goes back to the girls and finishes the Rose Ceremony, which has been totally ruined. Brad even points out that The Harrison didn’t have to tell them it was the final rose. Chantal says “It’s way better that way.” Chris Harrison can be heard in the background throwing chairs and yelling at the caterer. Chris, bro-to-bro, it was not better without you. Don’t ever let them tell you otherwise. In fact, without you being a part of the Rose Ceremony, I don’t even consider this a real episode.
The episode ends with Brad telling them that they’ll be heading to lovely Cape Town, South Africa to meet his family. I bet they’re PUMPED for that.
That’s it for this week. Next week is the reunion episode, which I may or may not sit out. Doesn’t seem like these girls will really bring the goods. Some day I would like to be the ONE man in the audience of the reunion special though…