television

The Bachelorette: Season 2 Million, Episode Not Enough

The Bachelorette: Season 2 Million, Episode Not Enough

17 Comments 24 May 2011

To all of my adoring fans, my supportive friends, my loved ones; to all of you who showered me with praise, begged me to write about this show, told me how funny I was; from the bottom of my heart I want to tell you that I hate you. Sincerely. This is the worst show on television. It’s worse than American Idol. It’s worse than TMZ. It literally makes me wish I not only lived in another country, but on some other planet, as a member of some other species.

I swore I wouldn’t write about this show anymore, but you win. You always win. I’m like a junkie for the 3 comments that get left every week. But what I will not do—what I can’t possibly spend hours doing—is recapping each horrible, poorly paced, repetitive episode. So I’m just going to pop in each week, maybe on Monday night, maybe on friggin’ Thursday, with some quick thoughts on the episode. So here we go.

The first dude (the solar power guy) they show already had me laughing. Why? This:

Seriously, look at him:

And then there’s this guy:

Where have I seen him before…

And of course we need to talk about Bentley. Super huge douche that I would hate, except for the fact that he seems about as attracted to Ashley H as I am, which is to say not much. So it’s hilarious. I hope he wins. How AMAZING that Ashley knew someone that knew Bentley! What are the odds? Oh wait, remember when Ali knew someone that had inside information on one of her dudes? Hmmmmm…

I love this guy, I can’t believe he didn’t make the cut:

It literally looks like he’s wearing a Billy Baldwin mask on his huge head. It’s bizarre. I’ve never seen a face like his before.

Speaking of masks, how about this clown?

Does wearing a stupid mask make you creepy? No. Does wearing a mask and never, ever cracking a smile while wearing a stupid mask make you creepy? Yes. Also, is he from the Superman School of Identity Concealment? You can see his hair, his nose, his mouth, his chin, his physique, his stupid ears. You can get a pretty good feel for how he looks. He should’ve worn a fat suit and a paper bag over his head.

And last, but certainly not least, there’s Tom from Lawng Island, who got so plastered that he passed out. I don’t even know where to start with him. First of all, he gets out of the limo and already can’t put together a coherent sentence. Second, he has an accent that’s so ridiculous that I thought it only existed in Bugs Bunny cartoons (“It doesn’t bawther me I just want you no wheres near me”). And last, who gets that plastered on The Bachelorette? Ashley H goes, “he’s going to wake up tomorrow and regret this.” Are you sure? He probably had a blast, drank for free, and didn’t have to sit through an agonizing conversation with this boring, phony, overly enthused twit.

And with that, I am Audi 5000. Until next time kids.

Your Comments

17 Comments so far

  1. Stop! You’re a young man. You have so many better things you could be doing with your time. Why is that guy wearing a mask?

  2. augo says:

    I hear you. I think the bachelorette should be required to be hot. she is NOT. I am going to have a tough time getting through this but…. look at the drama to come in the promos. that’s gonna make it all worth it, right B? Right?

  3. Jessipoo says:

    Thank you for making me laugh. I haven’t finished this show yet this week but can’t wait! This recap rocks BH!

  4. Caroline says:

    YOU’RE BACK! I checked your site because I was hoping you posted (even though you said you weren’t going to) and I couldn’t be happier. Best surprise EVER!

  5. Official episode one “Here for the right/wrong reasons” count: 7

    Seven times in the first episode. Seven.

  6. Jenny says:

    I love the Goonies reference! I was thinking the exact same thing! This is definitely the worst show on television (aside from the Real Housewives, of course). I’m so glad you’re writing about it, though!

  7. Bridgie says:

    Thank you so much for going back on your word (to never ever again blog about the Douchellor/Douchellorette)!!!! Each week as I watch the train-wreck, I wonder to myself what you will say about this person or that activity….. and they I wait with baited breath until you finally post your blog. Don’t stop, please!

  8. Salty Ned says:

    Great to have you back! Was Anthony the butcher really from a town that sounds like ‘Whack-off”, NJ? Great screencaps too

    • Brian says:

      To be honest with you, I think it was Anthony more than anyone that made me pick up the keyboard. He can’t be real. I’m so sad he’s gone.

  9. Rebecca says:

    So glad you’re back! You could seriously just post images, you don’t even have to type any words, and you’d have me rolling on the floor laughing!
    And, I just want to say that yes, Bentley is a complete douche, but he gets a small bit of credit for saying what the rest of us are thinking about the disappointing fact that Ashley H is the Bachelorette. They really couldn’t find anyone more interesting?

  10. Liotte says:

    Ok, I just watched the first episode, I’m way behind. Thanks for the recaps!! Why couldn’t you have done this for all the shitty books we had to read in British Lit and World Lit in HS? That would have made it much more interesting.

  11. LameBachAddict says:

    YEH! You are back. I swear I checked just a few days ago and there was nothing here, but yeh….there is, there is!!!

    Now i get to read 3 in a row with no waiting in between, this is like Christmas.

    I only read yours and “ihategreenbeans”, Guy in Austin who blogs is way too arrogant, I stopped reading his. You and your photos are WAY awesome! Please don’t ever stop. You must do it until you are on hospice in like 50 years. 🙂


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