To all of my adoring fans, my supportive friends, my loved ones; to all of you who showered me with praise, begged me to write about this show, told me how funny I was; from the bottom of my heart I want to tell you that I hate you. Sincerely. This is the worst show on television. It’s worse than American Idol. It’s worse than TMZ. It literally makes me wish I not only lived in another country, but on some other planet, as a member of some other species.
I swore I wouldn’t write about this show anymore, but you win. You always win. I’m like a junkie for the 3 comments that get left every week. But what I will not do—what I can’t possibly spend hours doing—is recapping each horrible, poorly paced, repetitive episode. So I’m just going to pop in each week, maybe on Monday night, maybe on friggin’ Thursday, with some quick thoughts on the episode. So here we go.
The first dude (the solar power guy) they show already had me laughing. Why? This:
Seriously, look at him:
And then there’s this guy:
Where have I seen him before…
And of course we need to talk about Bentley. Super huge douche that I would hate, except for the fact that he seems about as attracted to Ashley H as I am, which is to say not much. So it’s hilarious. I hope he wins. How AMAZING that Ashley knew someone that knew Bentley! What are the odds? Oh wait, remember when Ali knew someone that had inside information on one of her dudes? Hmmmmm…
I love this guy, I can’t believe he didn’t make the cut:
It literally looks like he’s wearing a Billy Baldwin mask on his huge head. It’s bizarre. I’ve never seen a face like his before.
Speaking of masks, how about this clown?
Does wearing a stupid mask make you creepy? No. Does wearing a mask and never, ever cracking a smile while wearing a stupid mask make you creepy? Yes. Also, is he from the Superman School of Identity Concealment? You can see his hair, his nose, his mouth, his chin, his physique, his stupid ears. You can get a pretty good feel for how he looks. He should’ve worn a fat suit and a paper bag over his head.
And last, but certainly not least, there’s Tom from Lawng Island, who got so plastered that he passed out. I don’t even know where to start with him. First of all, he gets out of the limo and already can’t put together a coherent sentence. Second, he has an accent that’s so ridiculous that I thought it only existed in Bugs Bunny cartoons (“It doesn’t bawther me I just want you no wheres near me”). And last, who gets that plastered on The Bachelorette? Ashley H goes, “he’s going to wake up tomorrow and regret this.” Are you sure? He probably had a blast, drank for free, and didn’t have to sit through an agonizing conversation with this boring, phony, overly enthused twit.
And with that, I am Audi 5000. Until next time kids.