Is this almost a complete week late? Yes. Am I sorry for that? Not really. It was kind of a hellish week, and I won’t get into it but I will try to make up for it by being super timely on tomorrow/tonight’s episode. I’m going to fly through this one since it was kind of a lame episode. But first, belated birthday shout out to superfan Jessica Roberts! Ok, onto the show:
First date is with hapless William, the cell phone salesman.
They go to Vegas, because if there’s one place that can really showcase what a wild and crazy guy William is, it’s Sin City. Ashley pretends like they’re getting married and William nearly has a stroke pretending that he’s having fun and not at all worried that it’s real. If you look close you can see his eyeballs sweating. Hey idiots, unless you sign legal paperwork you aren’t really married. Saying “I do” in some weird, fake-windowed, tacky chapel doesn’t make you legally wed.
After getting fake married, they head out to a table in the middle of the Bellagio lake where Bachelor fans yell at them. Unfortunately they cut out all the heckling. William tries selling his job as “bringing communication to people.” You sell iPhones dude. Then he says he’s always wanted to be a stand-up comic and proves it by telling a story about how his dad died from alcoholism. Ashley’s dad is also an alcoholic apparently and I’m straining to remember her hometown date on The Bachelor and lamenting that he didn’t get belligerent.
The second date is the big group date and Ashley has the bros come meet her in Vegas where they all have to dance with the Jabbawockeez. I squeal in delight. Never have I seen guys so willing to pop and lock. I actually have to hand it to them for being good sports. Ashley shows off her dance moves which are really impressive… if she were in the 4th grade.
Where have I seen her outfit before…
Clearly, like me, Ashley is a big Step Up 3D fan.
No one embarrasses themselves at the rehearsal or performance, and even if they did, they have masks on, so the whole thing is a huge waste of my time. I have to ask: do the people in attendance get in for free? Is this some midday test performance? How annoyed would you be if you went to see the Jabbawockeez and you got Ashley and Her Retards?
Here’s Madd Chadd in Step Up 3D, just because:
I won’t go into it here, but you should read this article about West, the guy who’s wife died in the bath tub. Spoiler: she killed herself while he was stoned in the other room.
The only thing that saves this date is Bentley, who sets his douche nozzle to “annihilate” and ruthlessly mocks Ashley off-camera while playing her like a fiddle on-camera. Women who like bad boys, this is exactly what that asshole is saying to his friends when you aren’t around. He’s so good at this. He puts her totally on the defensive and gets her to beg him to stay. He’s like a con artist.
He gets the rose and we move onto our last date. It’s a one-on-one decided by a coin-toss between weird mouth guy:
And super nice JP who looks a little like less attractive, older Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Weird Mouth Mickey wins and he and Ashley decide EVERYTHING on their date by flipping a coin. It’s like watching someone with OCD go through life. A really lame, unfunny person with OCD. Mickey is so frigging boring. Ashley flips a coin (right in front of him) to decide whether he gets the rose or goes home (he gets a rose). Where’s his pride? If she’s willing to chance you going home, just bounce. Don’t stay for that mean little midget.
Before the Rose Ceremony it’s business as usual as the guys yank and pull Ashley all over the house. Phone salesman William steals Ashely away for a bit even though he has a rose and everyone is pissed about it (this is after he bragged to all of them about how awesome his date was). The Masked Bandit tells Ashley that he had a brain hemorrhage at one point and then divorced his wife of 10 years after he found out about some “untruthfullness.” He then goes to take off his mask BUT one of the other guys shows up before he can! Hilarz. Bentley pulls Ashley aside and makes out with her and then totally says in his confessional that it was a shitty kiss. He’s awesome.
The only shocker come the Rose Ceremony is that The Mask got one. Wow. The guy that called his mother with Ashley the first night (office supply salesman) again calls his mother after getting kicked out. It’s 4 in the morning. He tells her he’s going to need her to pick him up at the airport and give him lots of love and cook for him. Sounds like Ashley missed out on a real winner.
Alright, I’m off to bed and will try and chime in on time tomorrow night. Until next time…