Well here we are. Week 3. I’m quasi-delirious from lack of sleep and energy drink but I’m going to hit the low points here before I pass out. Will The Mask reveal his secret identity? Will Bentley crush Ashley? And who killed Rosie Larsen?
First date is a one-on-one with Ben C. She takes him to a dance studio and teaches him a stupid dance. Unfortunately it’s not this:
The dance is for a stupid frigging Flash Mob at The Grove. Have you noticed that Ashley just picks dates that she’ll enjoy? Let’s prepare a wedding. Let’s go see Jabbawockeez. Let’s do a choreographed dance. Let’s do ANOTHER choreographed dance. “I really think this is perfect for Ben.” No you don’t, you selfish git. Also, who the hell is Flash Mob America? They’re no Improv Everywhere, that’s for sure.
Despite having a lot of manic energy, Ben C manages to get a rose and some smooching.
The next day is part one of what we’ve all been waiting for, The Masked Douche reveals his face. He pulls Ashley outside before his date and shows her his face:
Yep. Pretty much looks the same. Thanks Clark Kent. You idiot. Enjoy not getting a rose.
Onto the group date: A roast of Ashley at the Comedy Store. Excellent. How could that possibly go wrong? Ashley got Jeffrey Ross to host because that is literally ALL he does. I have never seen him do anything else.
William’s always wanted to be a stand-up, and we’re treated to a behind-the-scenes look at a genius act in the making when they show us his notebook:
Ok, kidding. His ACTUAL notebook is even funnier (and I swear this is what it says):
If you can’t read it, it says “Ashley – If I was Brad I would have never ever giving [sic] you a Rose.” Pause for laughter. These are the jokes people. To be fair, he does proceed to cross that out and then tell us that in a few months he might be roasting some famous celebrity. I’d mock that, but I’ve seen Comedy Central’s roasts and the star power they get and I think William has a pretty good chance.
Not much to talk about in way of the actual performances. Jeff, the former Mask, makes fun of Ashley’s small tits, which I think is hilarious. She brought it on herself wearing this shirt unbuttoned really low to show off her ironing board. Ashley is like, “Oh no you di’n’t!”
The real winner is William who doesn’t roast Ashley so much as just f*****g ravages her (he’s like, ‘I came on here wishing it was Emily or Chantal! Talk about a let-down! Yuck yuck!”. So much so that afterwards she goes off and cries. Good stuff Billy!
Bentley comes to the rescue and builds her back up, which is sweet because he doesn’t believe a word of it. I wish I was a sociopath. It must be awesome.
After that the show comes to a screeching halt as it’s just Ashley feeling sorry for herself and William walking around Hollywood feeling sorry for himself (and crying, which is nice).
Gay Ryan P helps out and gets a kiss for his effort (color me shocked that the closeted gay guy knows how to make her feel better), but Bentley’s the real winner as Ashley tells him how she got the dirt on him. He barely denies it and she still loves it. She’s pathetic. Any girl that falls for the bad boy deserves to just get destroyed. Ryan P gets the rose as I start to nod off. This is odd because after this Ashley says she’s falling in love with Bentley and she’s willing to stop the show and just run off with him. Uh, then why not give him the rose?
Of course they juxtapose this with Bentley packing his stuff and saying that he’s taking off because he’s not attracted to Ashley at all. I never thought I could like such a sleazy asshole more. In his confessionals he makes fun of everyone and everything. I’m so sad he’s leaving.
How great that the day after her roast, when she’s feeling the most vulnerable, when she’s feeling totally unworthy and questioning even being on the show, the dude she likes the most shows up to tell her that he’s leaving. Even while he’s doing it he’s flirting with her and being charming. He’s definitely a sociopath. How did he get on this show? The Harrison has even said in articles that he tried to talk Ashley out of keeping him around. ALWAYS listen to the Harrison!
A small part of me actually feels bad for Ashley. And then that small part of me gets bored and starts checking Facebook.
Ashley is 0 for 2. Hey other contestants, enjoy picking up the broken pieces.
JP Gordon-Levitt has the good fortune to have the post-Bentley one-on-one. Of course they wouldn’t play her heartbreak up this much if this date weren’t going to go well. It does but JP gets the shaft. He missed out on Vegas and instead gets Ashley in her sweat pants and glasses? Weak. Nice guys finish last. Anyway, JP gets a rose, so that’s cool.
The Harrison sits down with Ashley before the Rose Ceremony. I don’t get why he has to play dumb and not be like, “while he was telling you one thing, he was laughing to us in interviews.” It’s so contrived. Ashley opts to skip the cocktail mixer and get straight to the bloodbath.
Ashley boots The Mask and some guy I’ve never seen before. William gets a rose despite his asshole performance at the Comedy Store. Good work Ashley. Enjoy that.
Next week we head to F**k It. Errr, Phuket. See you then, fellow sufferers.
PS: I should point out that the credits bonus scene is The Mask taking a shit and reading the classifieds while Bentley carefully dishevels his hair. It’s probably the greatest thing the show has done since casting Bentley.