Hey guys. You thought I forgot about this after doing part one, didn’t you? Well I did not. I wouldn’t do that to you. Here, without further ado, is the finale told through the fine art of photoshop and captions. Join me, won’t you?
You’ll remember that the episode started with Ashley’s bitchy old sister/attention whore/control freak/extreme couponer tearing into poor JP.
Honestly, I thought our boy was donezo.
Things went a lot better for Ben, who got the nod from the whole fam.
The next day, Ben and Ashley went on their last date and Ben really let his Hipster flag fly.
The date was a helicopter ride to… a shitty mud hole in someone’s back yard.
Oh yeah, Jake and Vienna had a shitty mud date too.
The next day JP got his last date. And nothing interesting or funny or mock-able happened. So just pretend there’s a funny photoshop after this paragraph and let’s move on.
Final Rose Ceremony. I mentioned the shit stage they built and here it is:
So Ben’s up first. Ignores Ashley’s not-at-all subtle body language and facial expressions and proposes anyway.
She rejects him and then offers platitudes as he tries to bolt. To add insult to injury, they send Ben BACK by Ashley on his way out.
But Ashley’s happy ending is just around the corner. JP shows up, looking dapper and proposes.
Ashley says yes and the two run down to the water to splash and frolic and make out (JP really goes for it when he kisses Ashley, you notice that?). They enjoy the last few minutes of their lives before being torn to shreds by a very sweaty, very hungry Bearsharktopus.
What? You thought I forgot him this season? NOT LIKELY. Bearsharktopus rules.
And what of poor Ben?
Aw, poor guy. I was just starting to like him.
And that’s it! WHEW. I didn’t think I was going to make it. The Bachelor is a much better show. I hope they get another Jake Pavelka, but that’s like winning the lottery twice. Will I be back? Perhaps, perhaps. Bachelor Pad starts on Monday, and I got so sick of that show last season that I didn’t even finish it. Maybe I’ll recap the first 3 or 4 episodes like I did back then.
Until next time, smoke ’em if you got ’em. (No idea what that means.)