Houston, we have a problem. The Internet gods have decided to deny me a video copy of the finale and I wanted to get something up here quickly, like a well-timed barf bag right as seasickness rolls over you. So here’s what I’m going to do: Tonight, I’m going to do a brief write up, strictly based off what little I remember of my 3-hour nap, and then tomorrow night or the next night I’ll do a photo edition of the finale.
So what happened tonight? Honestly, not a whole lot, but what did happen was actually kind of surprising. Ashley’s family (big sister, little brother, mom, step-dad) came to Fiji. And they’re like, “Awesome! Free vacation!” and then they found out they had to hang out with Ashley, and this turned Ashley’s sister, Kat Von Wannabe into a Kat Von B if you know what I mean. Whoever placed a giant stick up her ass, would you kindly remove it?
JP shows up to meet the family and he’s all smiles and charm but Kat Von C is having none of it. After about 15 minutes she has a talk with Ashley and their mom and she’s like, “Nope. Not the one for you. I can tell. As someone that has horrible, horrible tattoos, I know a thing or two about regret and permanent ink and laser removal and you do NOT want to get an ugly heart-with-a-key-hole tattoo on your chest, errr, I mean married to JP.” Ashley is gutted. Which is strange because she pretty much knew her sister was going to react that way to JP.
Anyway, that’s not the bad part. The bad part is Kat Von D-minus decides to take JP aside and personally destroy him. She’s like, “You’re not right for my sister, you’re too old [34 to Ashley’s 26], you’re too demure, I think she’s too much for you.” And JP is like, “Uh, I disagree, what can I say to make you think different?” And she’s like, “Nothing.” Well then why the hell did you say all that to him? Why did you intentionally make him feel like shit if there was nothing he could say or do to change your mind?
And then they either edit it to make it look like Ashley does nothing to reassure JP or Ashley really does nothing to reassure JP. He heads back to his room a broken husk of his former self.
Ashley yells at her sister and calls her a bitch but it’s really half-hearted and she doesn’t even defend her relationship with JP (or, more likely, they just edited that part out).
Then Ben shows up. And because Kunt Von D needs to re-affirm her opinion on JP she just LOVES Ben. “Oh he’s so funny, with his super creepy dog-talking voice. That’s a riot the way you sound like a retarded hell-spawn, your dog must love that.” It’s like the dream sequence in Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd is the life of the party.
Then Ben and Ashley have their one-on-one date, and it goes really well. Ben confesses his love for Ashley and I go for an Otter Pop so I’m not sure what happens. Ben leaves the date confident that he will be getting engaged to Ashley. And it’s hard to disagree.
The next day JP has HIS date. And it goes well, but it feels like Ashley’s sister’s advice has turned her. It’s JP’s time to confess his love for Ashley, which must feel really natural when there’s a camera in your face and you’re on a tight deadline. Cue awkward kiss.
Ok so now it’s time for the jeweler to show up with his briefcase of rings and do Chris Harrison’s job for him as he grills the guys. Ben confidently picks a ring and tells us that he has it in the bag. JP sounds… uh, not quite as confident. In fact, they don’t even show him pick out a ring. Oh you editors!
So, last day, and at this point everything is pointing to Ben being the winner. He has the confidence, Ashley is really into him, her family likes him, her sister HATES JP. They set it up so we know the loser is up first.
And it’s… Ben! Oh man. Who would have guessed that the entire episode and teasers were edited in such a way that we had thought one thing would happen and then something else happened! Crazy!
He walks up to Ashley and she’s like, “Great news! I just saved a ton of money by switching to Geico! Also, you’re dumped.”
Ok, so it actually went down like this: Ben walks up to this shitty, haphazardly constructed pile of driftwood, hair plastered to his forehead as he sweats like Michael Jordan when he had stomach flu in the 97 finals. Ashley can hardly look at him. She is not smiling. Her voice cracks as she starts to dump Ben, but he’s in such an awesome state of confidence that he shuts her down so he can propose and she can say yes and they can get on with their lives. Only not so much. Cue the look of horror on her face as he gives a long speech about how he feels and then gets down on his knee and with a horrible non-sequitur lays a “Will you marry me” on her. She helps him to his feet and says no.
Homeboy is pissed. “I guess that’s it.” He tries to storm off with dignity, but women like to really twist the knife after breaking your heart so she runs after him and is like, “but you’re super awesome, and you’ll find someone, and blah blah blah” and he is like, “what the hell just happened? Jordan scored 38 points and went on to win the MVP. I don’t get it.”
And then our boy JP gets off the plane, and because the editors are slipping you can see a ring box in his hand in one of the shots, so we know where this is going. He says some nice things. She says some nice things. They declare their love for each other, make out (fairly aggressively), and then get engaged, all while the sun sets. A lot. Like it looks like they filmed this last part over 45 minutes or so as it gets darker and darker in each shot. I bet the producers were freaking about losing their light.
Oh, as JP and Ashley run down to splash giddily in the surf, they play REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling” again. Nailed it.
So that’s kind of it. At the reunion, Ben was pretty cool about it all (future bachelor? Hope not), JP and Ashley were lovey-dovey despite not being allowed to be together in public for God knows how long—great way to start a relationship. Ashley’s bitch sister was there to admit to being wrong about JP and instead of telling her that she’s not invited to the wedding, JP was very nice. So everything’s happy in happy land. We’re left to wonder what the hell we just did with 24 hours of lives and think about all of the wonderful things we could have accomplished in that time instead of watching this crap, like, I don’t know, actually trying to find love for ourselves.
I mean, at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about? Finding someone that you can tell your innermost secrets to? Spending time with someone who can allay your darkest fears? Dedicating your life to that one special person? Oh fuck it, Bachelor Pad’s on next week, I’ll watch that instead.
Coming soon: Part 2: Photos. You have requests/comments/things you want to see? Let me know below. And this time I’m answering all comments. BOOM.