humor, television

Great Show or Greatest Show? In Defense of The Bachelor

Great Show or Greatest Show? In Defense of The Bachelor

9 Comments 19 January 2010

The Bachelor is my new favorite show on television. If I could only pick one show to watch right now, The Bachelor would be it. If you haven’t seen it, you’re really missing out. Guys think that girls watch this show because it’s romantic and people fall in love and yada yada yada. Wrong. Girls watch The Bachelor because it’s f–king ridiculous. And even the producers know. To wit- they threw in a shot that’s clearly an homage to Top Gun (where Maverick’s sitting on his motorcycle on the tarmac watching the F-14s) only they replaced the F-14 with a poorly rendered passenger jet.


Further proof that the producers think this is all hilarious? They put him in the biggest motorcycle helmet I have EVER seen:


Anyway, I digress. The Bachelor this season is Jake, a pilot who was dumped last season on The Bachelorette because he has some sort of personality disease where he sounds like a talk show host all the time, which I guess in theory makes him perfect for a TV show. The dude is great on paper- blonde hair, good looking, ripped, pilot. They even show him flying his stunt plane for kicks! F–k! I’ll date him and I’m straight! But then he opens his mouth. “I’ve been on a LOT of first dates, but for some reason I never seem to get past that.” Yeah, hint, you’re a f–king weirdo with ZERO sense of humor. Of course, this just leads to hours of enjoyment every episode. And we haven’t even gotten to the girls yet.


There is delusional and then there’s The Bachelor contestant delusional. Fully 95% of these girls were in love with him without spending any time with him. It’s ridiculous and amazing and something you just have to see for yourself. Oh you had an amazing date where he flew you from LA to Palm Springs where you had dinner on a golf course and then got a private concert for 2 from Chicago? Guess the f–k what? Girls would fall in love with THIS guy after a date like that:

Oh my creepy.

Anyway, I don’t want to get too into it, I just want everyone to watch this show so I can talk about it each week and not look like such a weirdo (see my picture immediately above).

Oh, one final thing that I find hilarious about the show- the girls that get ZERO screen time and either get kicked out or worse, invited to stay.


Oh, oh, one MORE final thing. How awesome is the rose ceremony where super worthless Chris Harrison comes out from the back and goes, “Jake, ladies, this is the final rose” and then walks backstage again?! Hahaha! Thanks Captain Obvious! I know there are some dim f–king bulbs in this bunch but I’m pretty sure they can all count to 1.

Alright, I’ll save the rest for next time.

Your Comments

9 Comments so far

  1. Celebrity Net Worth says:

    I hate to admit this but I actually watched The Bachelor last night and this post could not be more dead on. Well said brother, especially the part about Chris Harrison coming out at the end. What a bastard, that is the easiest job in the whole world.

    I will be watching next week.

  2. Bachelor Rules the Retards says:

    So many wrongs DO make a right… as the bachelor proves season after season. I must say however, that jake is the most empty, vapid and cardboard like of all the bachelors I have seen (and i have watched every bloody season… year after year after year, so that is saying a lot). The girls this season seem to be equally personality-less. Maybe that was intentional to get the right match though.

    Keep it up Zombie man! I look forward to the weekly review! :))).

  3. Roark says:

    I’m not so sure this isn’t a post about zombies. A group of senseless people instinctively pursuing someone… A lone man trying to fend off the relentless horde… Although I don’t think they’re after this guy’s braaains in this case.

  4. Where the fuck is today’s bachelor article??? EPIC FAIL.

  5. Bachelor Rules the Retards says:

    Brian, when is the new review coming out???? I mean, he got rid of FOUR of the zombies last night. Thoughts??? Good or bad for bachelor? Was that Gia kiss real?


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