Goddammit FutureMrsDonatelli, Zoop, CCap, Jekika, Neduardo, and Audra. I can’t believe you goaded me into writing about this horrible, horrible show again. I literally have to drink to watch it. I literally am required to become legally unsafe to drive just so I can stand the full 4 hours of each episode. I literally am forced to self medicate a chemically-induced partial coma in order to watch this cheesefest.
Honestly, I wasn’t going to recap or even watch this season. And then I watched the first episode. Jesus. I couldn’t NOT write about some of this shit.
First things first, I never watched the season Brad was on. So I don’t know what he did, but based on his constant, constant, constant apologizing, and the pure vitriol spewed by the “contestants” I can only assume that he either A) raped one of the finalists or B) purposefully ran over a dog. But it’s cool because he’s not ashamed to admit that he’s done some “intensive therapy” and has serious daddy issues. We know this because he brings it up about 15 times.
After some tender bonding between Brad and Chris, the producers force a confrontation with the girls from last season. Bachelor Brad reacts to The Harrison’s announcement that his jilted rape victims are actually at the house with his usual animated demeanor:
This dude is a cyborg. He’s living tissue over a metal endoskeleton. I can only hope that over the course of the season he learns the importance of human life, friendship, how to high-five, and some hilarious colloquialisms.
But I digress. The girls delight in touching their faces so we can see their engagement rings. Take THAT you fucking rapist! While you were balls-deep in electroshock therapy WE were off meeting our future husbands! So, HA!
Let me talk a little about Brad before we meet this season’s
losers contestants. He looks like a mix of Stiffler and Jack’s dad from Lost, minus an upper lip. He has the male equivalent of a tramp stamp (a cross on his upper back). And he has all the personality of a Toyota Camry. He’s like Jake Pavelka minus the insane over-reactions.
It’s time to parade out the sloots. The VERY first girl full-on slaps Brad. Can you imagine a guy hitting a girl and having it be treated this light-heartedly? Disgusting. He plays it off in his aw-shucks manner, which is, coincidentally, the way he reacts to EVERY single girl, combined with either complimenting her shoes, dress, or name (every time Brad hears a weird name he goes “beautiful name”), telling them how nervous he is, or asking if she’s going to hit him.
Other notables from the walk of shame:
Note on the above “manscaper” Raichel (with an “I”?): They actually showed her waxing a dude’s asshole. I wish that weren’t true.
Nice of Katherine Heigl to take some time off from making shitty romantic comedies to come be in a shitty romantic comedy:
Ok, pump the brakes. What is up with this chick? How many times do you have to watch Twilight before you lose your fucking mind? Who else cracked up when she said she was hoping for someone “dark and mysterious” and then you get fucking Brad Womack? LULZ! Also, earlier she was playing with a FUSHIGI ball, which is a post waiting to happen (I literally cry laughing when that infomercial comes on). Also also, she says when she was little she ran into the “leader of the underground vampire world.” Who? Anne Rice? Or the child molester next door?
Back to the girls:
After the embarrassing arrivals (seriously, more painful: Bachelor contestant intros or Jeopardy intros?) Brad goes inside to tell the 3 girls that didn’t see his season what he did and I prepare myself for the shocking, sickening truth. Woah. Wait. What? He didn’t pick a girl at the Final Rose Ceremony? That’s it? THAT’S FUCKING IT?! He didn’t eat a basketful of kittens while pissing on a pentagram? Why the hell is everyone so fucking upset?! Why was he in therapy for three years? Why is he apologizing all over the place? First of all, he only wronged ONE girl, not two, since the whole point of the show is that one of the two finalists gets shafted (literally on the over-night date and then later figuratively). Second, good for him! If you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. 95% of the “winners” break up anyway. Jesus. This fucking show.
The rest of the episode consists of Brad having a painful conversation for 15 seconds before another girl comes over and interrupts and takes Brad away (are the Bachelors not allowed to say “no, let me finish, I’ll be right with you”?).
The only highlight was a girl interrupting, taking him away, and the girl she interrupted comes back over and takes him back. She’s like, “shit, I didn’t think that far ahead.”
Brad also talks to the vampire girl, who refuses to admit whether her fangs are real or not (they aren’t). She also won’t stop smiling or acting weird so Brad’s like, “do you really want to be here?”
Brad hands out roses and there’s nothing shocking or interesting about his choices. Nor do any of the girls freak out at being kicked out, so it’s kind of lose-lose for the viewer. The manscaper stays, the vampire stays, the hyper-competitive single mother stays, the beauty contestant single mother/widow stays, so I’m pleased thus far. With the choices anyway. I cannot believe that they let Brad Womack come back for a second round. Was he this fucking boring the last time?
Alrightie. That’s it for this week. Another 5 hours of my life wasted. Sigh.