Hello. It’s Monday. While real men watch the BCS Bowl, I watch another program that involves blood, tears, yelling, and misery. And for the record, I didn’t actually watch The Bachelor until after the game, so my testicles haven’t become completely vestigial. But that’s neither here nor there, on the with show.
Last week was “Shit on Brad Week” just because he didn’t choose a girl last season. Like these chicks are such fucking prizes. I hope they spend less time admonishing him this week so he spends less time talking about therapy.
The Harrison comes out and explains the rules to the girls like they don’t intimately know how this show works—to a T, almost every single girl knew who Brad was going into the show. And let’s be honest, no one new’s watching The Bachelor, amirite, ladies? You’re all in your PJs with your boxed wine like you were the last 10 seasons of this show.
Real quick I need to mention this girl because she won’t last long:
She’s been wanting to be on the Bachelor for EIGHT years and spent a “fortune” on clothes and quit her job to be on this show. Why? Eight years? Go on a dating site. Also, she quit her WAITRESSING job, I doubt her career was hurt. I actually feel kind of bad for her. If she lasts more than 2 episodes I’ll be shocked.
Anyway, Brad picks Ashley H for the first one-on-one date (not the sad, desperate girl–oh wait, they’re all sad and desperate) and I love the look on the face of the super competitive chick (Michelle):
Brad takes her to the middle of nowhere and they walk through the bushes down a trail to a power switch. It’s funny because they show the dark field and it’s really hard to see the rides on camera, but cameras don’t work well in the dark. You know what does? Human eyes. There’s 0% chance she couldn’t see what was in the field. Anyway, it’s a crappy carnival. Which is really just kind of creepy and sad when empty. I wish it had zombie clowns wandering around also.
Brad says “It’s been a lot of years since I met a girl right off the bat and felt comfortable enough to just be me.” Like, the number of years since the last time you were on the Bachelor and had women hand-picked from all over the United States for you?
Back at the house the girls get the next date notice and they all squeal and yell like tweenagers. In-it to win-it Michelle is really sad that she’s going on a group date on her birthday instead of a one-on-one. Awwwww. Oh wait, it’s “The Bachelor,” not “The Pathetic HairStylist Single Mother.” The world doesn’t revolve around you. The other big scandal is that the group date is 15 girls, which I agree, is stupid.
*There isn’t a sadder, more dark part of my life than when I look at the timer on The Bachelor and realize that I’m only 10 minutes into the show.*
Back on the date, Ashley H tells Brad that her dad wasn’t around much and Brad’s like, “NO. NO. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.” And I think Ashley thought Brad was going to reveal that he was actually her father. Instead he just tells her how his dad also wasn’t around much but he can barely get it out he’s so overcome with emotion. Anyway, Brad gives her a rose despite the fact that she waves her hands around like crazy while she’s talking. It’s like idiot sign language.
The new day dawns and Michelle is once again complaining about how it’s her birthday and she has to go on a group date. Waaaaaa. You know what I have to do on my birthday this year? Go to a normal job. Actually, that’s way better than hanging out with Brad Womack. The group date is helping the Red Cross. Oh that’s cool. So they’ll probably all donate blood and maybe help out at a donor mobile? No? They’re making tawdry soap opera PSAs? Oh. No, I’m sure that’s totally helpful, too.
The girls all have to go to wardrobe for their parts and while Vampire Girl gets a sexy vinyl cat suit that will only feed her self-delusions, this girl gets this:
What makes it even funnier is how sad she is about her outfit. Yeah, I’m an asshole but so are you because you know you laughed when she was saying how she felt like crying while dressed like that.
Th desperate former-waitress reminds us that she quit her job to be on the show. Again, you’re a waitress, it’s what people do when they quit their real jobs. Michelle again reminds us that it’s her birthday. Not her 29th. Not her 31st. Her 30th. Well, you CHOSE to be on this show, you twit.
They start filming the first scene and it’s so horrible to watch. This is worse than the Barenaked Ladies “music video” from last season. And it just keeps going. I have NO idea how this is going to help the Red Cross. I hope the show donated a shit load of money or something. Anyway, there’s one good thing about the shoot:
As they film the next shitty scene, Michelle mentions (not to Brad though) her birthday again. For the 50th time. Then walks off. Totally works. Brad leaves the set to spend time with her. She’s lucky she’s hot and Brad’s stupid. She somehow doesn’t tell him it’s her birthday. I swear I want to punch her in the face. Her pretty, pretty face.
That night they go to a rooftop bar/pool (of COURSE). Brad actually acknowledges Michelle’s birthday but just kind of in passing. Suck it, Michelle. Desperate job-quitter has some pathetic alone time with Brad and he pretty much gets out of there as fast as possible. Then he grabs Michelle for some one-on-one time. Nothing really happens. I’m falling asleep. Blessed reprieve.
Desperate job-quitter gets into a verbal skirmish with Raichel the Manscaper (Olivia Munn’s chubby older sister) and she does this:
It doesn’t go anywhere—no fisticuffs, unfortch.
The next date card shows up at the house. It’s for a one-on-one with Jackie. Here’s what Jackie looks like:
Back on the date, Michelle gets the rose. You know why? Because she’s a closer (you thought I was going to say because it was her birthday, didn’t you?). Then they show her without makeup just to humiliate her in her moment of victory.
Way to knock her down a few pegs, guys.
The next day it’s Jackie’s date. He goes, “Jackie doesn’t know anything about whats going to happen today. This date is Jackie’s very own ‘Pretty Woman’ experience.” So he’s going to pay her for boring, horse-face sex with no kissing?
They go to a nice hotel (The Peninsula, BTW) and Jackie plays the part of the mentally-retarded prostie by calling the doormen “guards.” They aren’t armed, you idiot. They hop in robes and get facials together.
He takes her into a room with her eyes closed and it’s full of dresses and shoes. He tells her anything and everything is hers. She has an orgasm. I notice that I’m only halfway through the episode and try slitting my wrist with my cell phone.
Back at the house, the single mother/widower/beauty pageant winner takes a call from her kid and has a good cry. She can’t last. No way.
Jackie gets dressed and meets Brad and he has a briefcase full of jewelry waiting for her. I’m guessing she can’t keep the bling. This is a fancy date. They should have saved this for later in the season.
They get in their chauffeured Bentley and head to the Hollywood Bowl and Brad points out the sign:
So what’s doing at the Hollywood Bowl? Dinner for two on stage and a private concert by… Train!!!! Hahahaha. “Hey Soul Sister” was a staple in the MST/Joe Donatelli/BHunt office. Classic. The guys in Train are like, “Man, you guys are really dressed up for sound check.” And then they don’t play “Hey Soul Sister.” What the F**k? That’s like Flock of Seagulls not playing “I Ran”. Goddammit. Thanks for ruining the date, Train.
Back at the house, it’s Rose Ceremony night. Michelle grabs Brad immediately while the other girls complain. Uh, go interrupt then. Isn’t that what you do on this show?
Raichel and desperate girl get into it again. Negativity ladies! Desperate girl pulls Brad aside and puts Raichel on blast but halfway through her crying rant she stops and starts joking about her horrible onion breath from eating four slices of pizza. Gross. Then she goes back to crying and complaining about Raichel. Kick them both to the curb.
For no reason at all, they drag out Ali and Roberto to help suss out which girls are there for the right reasons and HOW IS THIS EPISODE STILL GOING? My GOD. ABC, please please please switch to an hour-long format. You are killing me.
Desperate girl comes over crying to talk to Roberto and Ali. I don’t think anyone buys it though. The Ali and Roberto rose goes to Kimberly—the single mom/widower/beauty queen. Yawn.
Time to hand out roses. I love when girls I’ve never even seen before get roses. Nice story-line editing, guys.
Vampire girl gets a rose. Is it morally wrong to be attracted to a girl who is obviously mentally unstable? Hey Vampire Girl, when this Bachelor thing doesn’t work out, give me a call. I’ll totally go see Twilight with you. Team Jacob!
The girl that was forced to dress like a dyke with a broken neck and two broken arms got kicked out and has a nice little meltdown outside the house.
Desperate job-quitter lost. Man, how are you going to find a new job? Your career is over.
Raichel’s big boobs couldn’t distract from the fact that she was pumping out bad vibes. Raichel, I have friends in Fullerton and need my taint waxed. Match made in heaven?
Alright, that’s it for this bucko. I’m off to bed and will see y’all next week. PEACE!