The Bachelor: The Shocker No One Saw Coming

The Bachelor: The Shocker No One Saw Coming

12 Comments 15 March 2011

If you haven’t been watching, or for some reason are just now starting to read my recaps, then here is what you missed: Brad Womack, a former Bachelor who decided (wisely) to marry neither girl at the end of his season (and was strangely reviled for it), was for some reason invited back to bore America for a second time. He was presented with a bevy of beauties (a bevy is 4, right?) and some real sea donkeys whom he narrowed down to two women: one a dark-haired free spirit who stress-eats Cheez-Its and Double Quarter Pounders, and the other a southern belle who got knocked up out of wedlock by a soon-to-be-tragically-killed millionaire race car driver (I can’t believe that’s actually true). Got it? Good.

No time wasted tonight. Brad’s family is flown in for another all-expenses paid trip and in return all they have to do is spend an hour or so with their awkward son and his two possible fianceés. Brad see his family and fucking loses it.

Not like a sweet, choked-up kind of losing it. Like a strangely over-emotional kind of sobbing that you usually see when a POW is returned to his wife and meets his infant child for the first time. Dude is weird. He finally calms down enough to sit with the family and lasts about 5 seconds before he needs to get up and go cry on the balcony again. Is he on pre-natal drugs or something?

Chantal is up first. She’s chirpy and friendly and they seem to like her. The brothers talk to her outside and she’s like, “I think if you’re willing to get engaged, then you should be ready to get married right on the spot.” A girl that’s been divorced should perhaps proceed with more caution, no? Is that just me? Anyway, they like that for some reason. Brad’s mom likes her too and everyone seems very supportive. Until Emily shows up.

How do you compete with a sweet little girl that has a daughter and has struggled so hard to raise her as a single mom and has that cute little accent and big beauty Queen teeth and bleeeehhhhhh. It’s all so boring. I can’t quite get across how the conversation goes with his family, but it’s awkward. First when they ask how Brad’s meeting with her family went, and Brad’s like, “LONG STORY!” because he hasn’t told them she has a daughter. So it’s lots of “ums” and “oks”. Then they ask if Ricki’s dad would care if she moved to Austin and Brad’s like, “Ehhhhuhehhh” and Emily goes, “It’s ok” and Brad goes, “Ehhhuh, maybe anoth-eh, ok.” And then Emily tells the story we’ve heard about 6 times so far this season. I wish she were a better story teller. If my mom told this story you would have projectile crying all over the place.

Anyway, after that it’s all over for Chantal—Emily says “y’all” for Christ’s sake and Brad’s family is from Texas. Emily also tells Brad’s mom that Brad’s her angel and his mom loses it just like her son. Game. Over.

They pretend that Brad hasn’t made his mind up so we still have to watch the final two dates. Chantal is up first and they’re going diving with Great White Sharks. Awesome. The Great Whites off of Cape Town are known for jumping full out of the water, a behavior marine biologists didn’t even have on video until recently. I bring this up because I madly hope that one of them jumps out of the water and takes one of Brad’s arms. You know, just to liven things up a bit.

After sharkin’ they go back to Chantal’s room and she gives Brad a map she made of all the places they’ve been and the memories there. I think I made one of those… In 4th grade as a book report. Brad wipes his ass with it and tells her that he’ll see her tomorrow.

The next day on Emily’s date they take a helicopter (what else) to the Cape of Good Hope where Brad basically just tells her how awesome his family thinks she is. Later that night they go back to Emily’s and she kind of grills him on whether or not he’s ready to be a father. Really what she’s doing is a final check to make sure he REALLY wants to do this. He takes it like she’s flat out challenging his ability to be a father at all and he gets super flustered. He starts sweating like crazy and has to walk off for a while. It’s weird and kind of tense. After the date he says he had two things to say: 1) I love you, 2) I want to be the best father I can be. He goes, “I said one, and I was shot out of the water. I was slapped in the face.” And then says he was profoundly hurt, upset, and defeated. Ouch.

Now as the viewer you’re like, oh wow, so maybe he’s not going to pick a girl again, or maybe he’s going to pick Chantal. But… The next day Brad acts like nothing happened. He doesn’t even address it when he talks about the two girls. I think that he definitely talked to her again that night and they either didn’t film it, or just edited it out so the ending wouldn’t be as obvious.

Cue the montage of everyone getting ready and talking about how awesome they feel. Emily’s in white and Chantal’s in black. Take that as you will. Brad takes his place at the pedestal with the final rose. Dude doesn’t even talk to Chris Harrison! What the hell, man? Poor Chris Harrison was totally sidelined this season and I am not happy. All he does is walk the girls from the limo to the top of a set of stairs.

So the first girl to show up (the one that’s about to get dumped) is Chantal. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. She’s wearing some sort of dead bird on her shoulder. Fitting I guess.

She walks down to Brad and he spends some time telling her how amazing she is and then he goes, “and here’s where it gets tough.” He likes to narrate his own speeches, have you noticed? Chantal goes to snot city as her heart gets crushed on national television but all I can think about is her stupid plumage blowing in the wind.

Brad walks her out and that’s that. I actually feel kind of bad for Chantal in the limo which is new for me.

The Harrison walks Emily to the top of the stairs (note: he does this masterfully). Emily walks down to meet Brad and he gives her what is actually a pretty good speech. As far as the Bachelor goes, it’s kind of a nice moment. He gets down on his knee and proposes. But does not give her the final rose. Does that technically mean that she didn’t win? He basically says that he’s been in love with her for a really long time and he’s wanted to tell her that. Again, it’s a nice sweet moment, but you can’t help but think that it highlights what a shitty situation this is for every other girl. I mean, if it’s such a foregone conclusion, how horrible is it to make every girl in the final five go on all these dates where he acts like he might be in love with them when it’s pretty clear that he’s been after Emily for a long, long time?

The two kiss for a while and we get a nice final shot and the show ends. But not really because now we have to sit through the after-show.

The Harrison immediately brings out Chantal and then Brad. Brad basically admits that Emily was the one for a long time when Chantal calls him out. Chantal sobs a bunch and plays the victim but then says she’s in a really good relationship. What!? Crocodile tears!

We also learn that Brad and Emily were supposed to get married AT this special but they broke up for a while because ABC doesn’t let the winners live or spend any real time together, which basically sabotages the relationship, especially while the show is airing every week. There is a 0% chance of this working out. Emily comes out and acts really stilted and guarded and fake. Chris asks Emily if she considers herself to be engaged and she says yes but every girl (and me) watching immediately noticed this:

The crowd has very audible reactions as Emily says first that she is not ready to get married and then that she isn’t ready to move to Austin. “OOOOOOOHHH!!!” It’s pretty funny. Of course she’s not pleased seeing Brad party and make out with all these chicks each week. She then says that she looked boring on the show and then makes a pretty good point that they sent her on boring dates. Chris goes, “What drove you to the point that you would sabotage your own engagement?” Woah! That’s a pretty loaded question there, Chris. They go around in circles until they bring out their three success stories (!) out of TWENTY-ONE seasons. I would totally tell you what the couples said but I fast-forwarded through it all. It ends with Brad putting the ring back on Emily’s finger. Yay.

Here’s my final thought: Brad and Emily are both very good looking, very boring, very blank people. In other words, a perfect match. Good job, The Bachelor. Good job. I look forward to reading about Brad and Emily’s eventual demise in Us Weekly (the demise of their relationship. Not their actual, physical demise. That would be morbid).

And with that, I am out. For good. This will be my final rose ceremony. I can no longer handle this show. At least not as a blogger. I want to thank everyone for reading, and for somehow finding my site. I hope you’ll bookmark me and check back in from time-to-time. Hopefully my “real” job will die down a bit and I can get back to posting something cool or interesting each day, and hopefully you’ll be willing to come back, even though I’m not mercilessly bagging on a bunch of people I’d probably actually like in real life.

Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other*.


*Yes I stole that from Jerry Springer.

Your Comments

12 Comments so far

  1. Caroline says:

    NOOOOOOOOOO You can’t stop blogging about The Bachelor/Bachelorette!!!!!!!!! You’re one of my favorites, I’m seriously about to shed a tear. At least take some time to think about it!

  2. Liotte says:

    Thanks for all the laughs!!! You must keep blogging about it though- Especially Bachelor Pad this summer!

  3. LameBachAddict says:

    I third the above comments. You have to keep blogging about this stupid show. You have talent, and YOU put in funny photos. I LOVE your recaps, and would be so dissapointed that if you quit. I bet you have a lot more followers that you realize.
    Also, I could not stop staring at Chantel’s bird on her shoulder. It was flapping in the wind. I actually thought both girls had ugly dresses on. I don’t get it. They will break up in a few months due to his temper. I think Chantel dodged a bullet.

  4. Roger Lodge says:

    There is no way I’m letting this be your final season. I’ll get some people together and we’ll pay you to write this amazing column. Come on B – don’t be a quitter!

  5. Brian says:

    Understand that I didn’t make the decision lightly. If there’s one thing I am above all else it’s an attention whore with a constant need for positive reinforcement (hey, maybe I WOULD be good on the Bachelor…). But there are a variety of reasons for my quitting:
    A) I’m super slow. These take me forever.
    B) The show isn’t that good anymore. I used to write about it because Jake Pavelka was so horrible and hilarious that I needed to vent. Now I just do it because I like making people laugh, which is cool but
    C) I don’t think my recaps are as funny as they used to be. I think it’s because of what I mentioned in my last point. It’s like Jordan retiring because he has nothing left to prove.
    D) I might start recapping True Blood for Screen Junkies again, which would be recapping on Sunday AND Monday nights and the last time I tried that I totally burnt out.

    So with that said, never say never, right? If the next season starts and there’s someone like Frank or Casey on it, then I might have to get back in the game. Note that while ACTUAL Casey is going to be on Bachelor Pad, I can’t recap that stinking turd of a show.

  6. LameBachAddict says:

    The next Bachelorette is going to be Ashley. She is annoying. I am not looking forward to watching it, but I will if you recap it. Your recaps make the misery of watching it worth it. I think you are funny. But I understand if you are feeling it, then you aren’t “feeling” funny. It should be fun to write a recap, it shouldn’t feel like work. But I will be sad.

  7. Caroline says:

    Can you at least recommend some other good Bachelor recaps if you are going to deprive us our weekly laughter????

  8. Kelly says:

    I really enjoy your Bachelor recaps. You’re a good writer, whose commentary is witty and spot-on. Keep writing Brian if you’re up for it. RealitySteve looks like a primitive, rambling blog next to your analysis of The Bachelorette.

  9. Rebecca says:

    I’m a little slow and just now reading your final Bachelor recap. I just wanted to chime in with NOOOOO you can’t stop blogging about this show! I think you should reconsider… If you go onto the ABC website and read the bios of the contestants for the upcoming Ashley H season, I think it might help a bit with your decision. Spoiler: one dashing young fellow says that if he could be anyone for a day, he’d be an African American male. Yes, you read that right, and it’s not Obama or Jamie Fox or anyone like that, just simply an African American male. Dream big! Anyway, you could have a hay day with these guys, they’re that bad. Just think about it…

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