Hey gang. Let’s just cut the shit and start going.
First date is a one on one with Ashley S. They go to the Capitol Records building to fake-record Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.” Why? I have no idea. Neither of them can sing. At all.
You can see the “producer” grinding his teeth to nubs listening to these tone deaf idiots trying to sing. Ashley says that her dad died 2 years ago and that she loved this song and they would listen to it over and over again. Huh? Is she a 58 year old woman? If she listened to it so much why doesn’t she know the words?
Why not go to the recording studio and just watch Seal perform (which this was all just a set up for)? I’m not sure if they thought that it would be cute or endearing to watch Brad and Ashley S try and sing, but in the end it was neither. Just painful. As Brad would say, my gosh. Seal’s good though. So there’s that. Does his face scare anyone else?
Ashley S tearfully tells Brad about her dad over dinner on the roof (of course) of the Capitol Records building. Please note that almost every girl tonight will cry over either their dads or their baby daddies. Brad loves it. Rose awarded.
Two things Brad says about every date: “I could REALLY be myself.” “This was the PERFECT date for ______.”
Next they announce the group date and I love how many names get called. It’s ridiculous. What a horrible way to get to know people. And some girls don’t get any date. The date is filming a fake action movie. Weren’t they just filming fake PSAs last episode? Was it in Brad’s contract to have a lot of acting dates so he can launch a post-Bachelor career in Hollywood? Anyway, nothing really interesting happens. Michelle spends the whole time whining and acting crazy, but she does that all the time anyway. Shawntel N (the funeral home director from Chico–strikes one and two) really impresses with her slick kung faux.
The best part is when Michelle tells us that when she kisses Brad there will be fireworks going off in the background and then they immediately show Shawntel kissing Brad just after fireworks go off in the background:
Boom. Well played, producers.
The group date ends at… a rooftop pool! Hey! Weird. The other (but spelled different) Chantal pulls Brad apart to tell him her daddy story and cry. Brad does lots of hugging and head and face touching (Brad likes these things).
Back at the house giant tooth Emily tells the crew about her fiancé dying. Not for nothing, and I’m loathe to mock a lady that’s been through something this horrible, but could she be a worse storyteller? She’s like, “anyway, the plane didn’t land.” It takes a little bit for the girls to catch on that that means it crashed.
Back on the rooftop, Alli sits down with Brad for about 2 minutes before Michelle comes in and just stands there until Brad tells Alli to bounce, which is a dick move on Brad’s part. When a girl interrupts, tell her that you’ll be with her in a minute, don’t get all awkward and hem and haw until the girl you’re with offers to leave. Sac up, Brad. Michelle takes Brad to a balcony and guilts him into making out with her. Luckily, despite her awesome (according to her) smooching skills and strange confessional confidence, she does not get the rose. haHA! Shawntel gets the rose for being a good action star. Nice. Maybe Brad WILL be buried in Chico. Oh, and they watch their shitty fake movie from the pool and everyone has a good laugh at what a joke this show is.
Next day. Best part of the whole episode: Brad’s absolute joy at surprising Emily with how they’re getting to Santa Maria (via small plane) and Emily’s stone cold fear and horrible thoughts brought up by said plane. He’s laughing and clapping as they pull up on the tarmac and she’s holding her face in agony. The producers are SUCH dicks.
The date’s weird. Emily sits there and dodges all of Brad’s questions and answers generically when she doesn’t.
This is, of course, because she doesn’t want to tell Brad about her kid and how her fiancé died. My question is this: Why, at no point so far, has Brad not asked about the giant bling on her ring finger?
Back at the house, Vampirella (who has her fangs out and looks really cute) has been completely mentally defeated by Emily and her story. She’s like, “dude, I don’t NEED a man, I don’t LOVE Brad. Why am I here?” Who would have thought that the girl who thought the whole thing was such a joke that she wore fangs wouldn’t be super into being there? Weird.
Back on the date, Brad and Emily head to the barn for wine and dinner (but mostly wine) and Emily tells Brad the truth. She tells the story so strangely again that Brad has to be like, “wait, his plane crashed?” After she tells him she actually starts talking, so that’s good. And because Brad loves people opening up so much, he gives her the rose. And then he says that he feels like he could see himself possibly seeing her as a potential woman that he might potentially be engaged to someday. Uh-oh. Front runner.
Back in LA, Brad meets with his therapist. I shit you not. Jesus. We get it. Brad’s working to not be the world’s biggest shit heel like he was last time he was on the show. Unfortunately, he’s still the world’s least interesting man. He’s the anti-Dos Equis Guy. Seriously, women, I get that he’s good looking and has a good body, but can you tell me that you honestly would want to be married to this guy? Count how many times he says something funny or interesting during a two hour episode. Tonight’s tally: Zero. I’m not exaggerating. Re-watch if you don’t believe me.
Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. YAAWWWWWN. Michelle acts like a cloying harpy. The entire time they keep cutting to her confessional interviews and she just whines and bitches about the other girls and not getting time with Brad. She finally comes and interrupts when Brad is having a nice, deep talk with Chantal. Brad. BRAD. Tell Michelle to. fuck. off. There HAS to be something in the contract about not being able to say “no” when a girl interrupts. He looks super annoyed and pissed every time it happens and yet he relents.
When Michelle sits down with him she goes, “you and I are in a fight” in a semi-joking manner but mostly because she’s desperate for his attention. It annoys me so much you have no idea. She acts like they have this little special bond and that she has some claim on him. It annoys me because even though he’s about as interesting as a box of corn flakes, he seems like a nice, decent guy and I’d like to see him with one of the cool chicks. This is, of course, in stark opposition to Jake Pavelka, who I wanted to end up with the worst person imaginable:
I wonder how long Michelle will last. I think she’s wearing on him, but I also think the producers will really push for him to keep her until the end so they have a villain. Of course, I thought Viennugh wouldn’t last 2 episodes and that ended in marital bliss. Right?
Brad’s really enjoying himself until he sits down for an interview with the Vampire. She’s so somber that she even takes out her fangs and reverts to Madison.
She tells him that she doesn’t think she should be there but he asks her to wait until the Rose Ceremony, because there are way more than 3 girls he wants to get rid of and she’s not one of them.
Anyway, onto the Ceremony. A few roses in, Madison bounces. Just ups and walks out. Good for her. Stand up chick. Never would have guessed. I liked her, despite her goofy fangs and garish eviction-night makeup.
Once again Brad gets rid of girls I don’t even recognize, so no big deal. These early Rose Ceremonies are so unsurprising (aside from Madison quitting) that they don’t even have overly long, dramatic shots of Brad staring at pictures of the girls agonizing over who to keep. This dude’s all business. I love the looks on girls faces as the roses dwindle. I feel bad, but it’s hilarious.
That’s it for this week! 3 down and infinity to go.
So here’s what needs to happen now: Comment. Who do you think’s going to win? Who do you hate/like? Did I miss anything funny? Make any typos? Was Madison’s dress as awful as I thought it was? Do you notice how large Emily’s head is? How insane her veneers are? What do you think of Brad? If I don’t get 10 comments (including mine), I’m never writing about this cultural sink hole again.
For a good time, check out my very first (and super short) Bachelor post. Those were the good old days.
Until next week, PEACE!