Hey, sorry this was so late. I was out of town and also dying from exhaustion. But now that I’m back, last Monday on The Bachelorette, Trashley visited the contestant’s hometowns. You know you’re in for some serious boredom when even The Bachelorette can’t sensationalize the previews. So let’s just dive in.
Up first is Constantine, who’s family is every bit as Greek as his name implies. I’d love to bag on them all since that’s kind of what I do, but they’re pretty nice. They hang out, go home for dinner, and then toward the end, all of Constantine’s relatives show up and they have a big Greek party with the circle dancing thing and this dude starts making it rain:
Next up is Lames’ family home in Pennsylvania. It’s pretty posh. Lames runs like… well, just look:
It’s so jaunty. I love the way his arms just spring open.
His family is a lot less awkward and weird than he is. The niceness and normalcy of these families makes me really miss Vienna’s weird swamp-dwelling family from Jake’s season. Lames gets really amped up to take Ashley on a picnic underneath a blooming magnolia tree.
He says it’s the most romantic thing in the world. Oh really? More romantic than sitting in the middle of stagnant Bellagio lake with a bunch of fat tourists staring at you and yelling your name from the Vegas strip? Lames then launches into a lecture on some Renaissance concept of romance and it sounds like he’s trying so hard. D Bag. Out of nowhere Lames and Ashley are on a horse-drawn carriage ride along a river. It lasts for about 10 seconds and then the segments over. Ok, random horse ride, whatever.
Ben F is up and I think we’re all hoping that he takes Ashley on a bison hunt and then paints cave drawings with her. Ashley says about Ben F: “Ben is so sexy—the hair, the fashion, the sense of humor…” Uh, is there ANOTHER Ben F?
They go get wine from his vast barrel room and then have a nice little picnic on a blanket on the porch while it gently rains around them. Hm. Suck it Lames. They go home to have dinner with his family and it’s just his sister and his mom. It’s a little sad. His sister talks about how awesome his hair is which is weird since it looks like he’d have twigs and shit in it.
It’s hard to mock Ben F too hard since he’s pretty decent and level-headed. In fact, aside from JP Gordon-Levitt, I probably like Ben F the most. Even if he did start crying in an interview. Save it for a show that’s not a joke, Ben F.
Last one, it’s off to Roslyn, NY for JP’s home town. Because it was supposed to be raining, JP takes Ashley roller skating. It’s adorbz everybody. They turn on the romance lights and play REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling” and I think we all fall in love with JP a little bit. After a long chat about relationships, they go back to JP’s house and his mom is so happy to see him. She’s super cute.
The conversations generally revolve around JP getting his heart broken before and guarding against that. But it goes well.
Onto the Rose Ceremony. Ben F, JP Gordon-Levitt, and… Constantine. Sorry Lames, it’s limo time. Lames is like, “I was hoping to share a lifetime of adventures with this beautiful woman and… now… I’m back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with myself… (nervous laughter) which is…… uh… less enticing.” It’s like a bad reading of a Jeff Goldblum line.
The rest of the guys are informed that they’re heading to Fiji. And yes, guys, there will be a helicopter or maybe even multiple helicopters. Maybe that’s what this show’s been missing. Looks like some crazy drama coming up. We’ll see, I guess.
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