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The Bachelor: What a Slut

The Bachelor: What a Slut

5 Comments 09 February 2010

Welcome to week 6 of the Bachelor. I’m sober this time but just barely. I’m hoping for some magic but the promos weren’t promising. I’m really just waiting for the vacation episode, which is coming next week, but maybe someone will explode in violence this week. With fingers crossed it’s time to start!

Gia’s got the first hometown date in NY. She points out the Empire State building by describing it’s spire and architecture instead of just pointing and being like, “Yeah the really big one that’s in every movie ever made.” But you can’t blame her because Jake probably still didn’t know what she was talking about. I kind of thought she’d be like, “That large green statue over there, with the torch raised, it’s a woman, that’s the Statue of Liberty.”

Her family does not disappoint. I’m really glad to see Thomas Ian Griffith getting some work since Karate Kid Part III:

karate-kid-3

and her brother looks like he definitely works all year so he can afford a time share down at the Jersey Shore:

gias-bro

Next up is Ali. Jake is dressed for a trip to the north pole while Ali is dressed in a jacket, flannel, and a tank top and Jake’s the one freezing his ass off. What a pussy. Ali tells us that she loves laughing with Jake which is cool because I love laughing at Jake.

They go to Ali’s dead grandmother’s house to really bring things down. It looks like the scavengers got at it and the producers tried to spruce it up a bit. Check out the mantle:

grandmas-house

Creepy. Are those are ashes in that blue box?

Ali thinks her grandmother is looking down on them and approves of Jake, which means she likes shallow guys with empty laughs and abs of steel.

Ali says he’s going to meet her mom and Ali clearly tells us her mom’s name is “Al”-lizabeth. Which is a weird name. Hermaphrodite maybe? I don’t see a dad… Mom says she didn’t know anything about Jake so she looked him up online and Jake throws us a severe Jake Face:

ep6-jakeface

I was really hoping she would just openly mock him for being such a crying, narc bitch from last season, but she doesn’t. She quotes a Jake-ism and Jake is pleased. Ali takes Jake outside and says that she would say “Yes” if he proposed right now. Jake looks at her and then starts to take his gloves off and you know Ali’s like, “Holy fuck, he’s going to propose” but instead he just wanted to take his gloves off so he could better put his tongue in her mouth.

Off to Oregon and Eightley’s HTD. Jake is wearing the largest scarf I’ve ever seen along with 8 or 9 layers and is again probably more cold than the girl he’s dating who’s wearing way less clothes.

cold-jake

Tenley wants to dance for Jake because her ex never really watched her dance. I’m really annoyed that everything she does or wants Jake to be is because of her ex. Guess they won’t be asking for luggage as a wedding gift cuz homegirl’s got enough baggage. HEY-OOOO!!!!!

Time to meet the fam! Jake says his objective is to find out if Eightley’s really over her ex-husband. Uh, every conversation you have with her she ends up an emotional wreck because they talk about her ex. Guessing she’s not over him. Eightley’s dad seems nice and in his honor I’m going to call her Tenley for the rest of this column. Jake sounds like a politician with every person he talks to. Like he says the right things without saying anything interesting or of value or original. It’s super annoying.

Jake talks to the mom who says her ex is going to spill over into everything she does for a while. And I bet Jake is crossing her name off his list. Here’s somethign weird: Tenley’s dad calls her “Tin-ley,” her mom calls her “Tun-ley.” Tunley? More like, Nonely! See, I can do it no matter what.

Jake asks her dad for permission to marry her, which he does with every girl, so it’s pretty empty. It’s also being filmed by ABC, so even more empty. We all know there’s only one person who’s approval any of these girls need and that is Chris Harrison.

theman

Her dad doesn’t really say yes so much as he says he would say yes provided X, Y, and Z, and Jake just takes it as a yes. Again, it doesn’t matter so long as Chris Harrison approves.

I can’t believe this show is 2 hours every week.

Vienna lives in a fucking swamp. I’m not kidding.

charlie

She’s literally swamp trash and I can’t wait for her dad to feed Jake to the gators.

vienna-gatorbait

I bought Us Weekly this week (shut up) and learned that Vienna married this dude who got shipped out to Iraq and he says that she emptied his bank account to get a tit job while he was gone and then dumped him when he got back. It’s Us Weekly so you can’t believe a word of it. But then again it’s Vienna so I totally do.

I’m 99% sure Vienna’s dad is wearing those novelty glasses with the nose and mustache attached:

viennasdad

Oh fuck this. The commercials and promos made it look like Vienna’s dad was going to be an asshole to Jake and then he was totally nice. I’m pretty sure they even showed deleted dialogue in the commercials. Fuck you ABC, you and your house of lies.

No one in Vienna’s family is surprised that all the other girls hate her and Jake appreciates that for some reason. Like, dude, everyone in the world thinks she’s a bitch, don’t you want a girl people like? Jake does not ask Vienna’s dad if he can marry Vienna, or rather, he probably did but ABC edited it out.

We’re back in LA now and Jake says he’s totally fallen for all 4 women. What an asshole. Ali shows up at Jake’s hotel room in tears and reveals that she’s going to get shit-canned if she stays in LA on the show. Anyone remember the winner of last season, Ed? The fucking asshole that left because he was worried about his job and then just wandered back in and totally won? He was the only guy on the show with less personality with Jake and he still won after quitting. Ali, just leave, go work for a week, and then come back and win. Easy, right? Jake says he can’t promise he’s going to propose, so… Anyway, I don’t know what Ali wanted. They can’t just like, end the show early. Ali leaves and then collapses on the floor crying while Jake goes back to filing his nails or fixing up the hotel room shirtless or whatever it is he does with his spare time.

It’s later that day and Chris sits down with Jake to talk about Ali. Jake pauses for a good 10 seconds and it looks like he’s trying to make himself cry, then decides he can’t, so he just continues normally. Chris points out what an asshole Jake will be if he lets Ali quit her job and then doesn’t pick her. Jake agrees that yes, he will be an asshole, but oh well.

Before Jake can come out to hand out the beat-down, Ali asks to speak to Chris. In this world, Chris Harrison is the law. Chris looks pretty pleased because it’s nice to be needed. This is literally the face he makes:

chris-pleased

“Talking” just means walking her to Jake apparently, and the two of them sit down. Jake says she looks beautiful even though she looks like she wants to projectile vomit all over the place. This is literally the face she makes:

pukey

Jake gives her the Jake Face while telling her that he knows that she knows that he knows that she has to say what he wants her to say and she’s like, “You lost me.” Jake will not let her off the hook and just makes her talk about how much she likes him and to “weigh that.” Dude, she’s going to get fired, be a man. Fish or cut bait.

Ali says “I love you” and you can practically hear her grandma spinning in her grave. Chris comes in and tells Ali it’s time for a decision. She cries and says she needs more time. Again.

Ali, just puke, you’ll feel so much better when you do. After the commercial break we see some tears on Jake’s face but I think it’s just Ali’s snot. OOOOO, Ali says she has to leave. Good for her. Like, 2 days from now she’ll be like, oh my God, I can’t believe I almost lost my job over that tool.

Jake’s pretty upset, apparently forgetting that he’s in love with 3 other delusional women. Remember that scene in Coming to America, where Akeem (Eddie Murphy) makes his arranged bride stand on one leg and bark like a dog? That’s how I view all of these chicks.

$10 says Ali’s back next episode. Like just shows up on the island and asks for another chance and Chris and Jake will have a heart-to-heart and Jake will make the Jake Face greater than he’s ever made it before.

Anyway, Chris needs to do his Chris thing so he comes in and tells them all the news that Ali’s gone and that there’s no Rose Ceremony. Hooray! We’re all winners!

Next week Jake’s taking all of us to the Caribbean and I feel like the prettiest girl at the prom!

Maybe Jake will get to screw a bikini model! I’m so happy for him. It couldn’t happen to a nicer douche bag.

Until next time kiddies, eat your Wheaties.

wheaties-jake-edition

Your Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. I cant believe Ali took him to her dead grandmas house and made such a huge deal about that. What a nut job. Good riddance. One burning question I had is how she ended up going from the Beverly Wilshire to La Cienga and Gregory? What kind of route is that? Wouldnt it have been easier to take Wilshire???

    Local reference!

  2. Bachelor Rules the Retards says:

    This celebrity net worth guy seems to comment on every post for the sole reason of linking back to his site.

    Anyway brian – well reviewed. Again I say (just like i say every other week): who the HELL would like these girls. Who the hell would like Jake? I am starting to believe these are all paid actors.

    Anyway, i really needed this recap because I missed the first half last night because my damn dvr had higher priorities. i asked a friend to keep their copy on their dvr but lo and behold, that friend fucked it up by “ACCIDENTALLY” deleting it after the show… dude claimed its a habit or some shit like that. I call bullshit. He’s keepin Jake all to himself.

  3. Salty Ned says:

    One of my favorite moments was when Vienna’s dad basically tried to sell his daughter to JakeFace by telling him that when he comes home the kids and the house will be all clean. I find this kinda… actually, I find this pretty awesome- way better than my lazy ass girlfriend. Maybe he should keep that crazy broad.


Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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