Is that circus music I hear playing and a clown car approaching on the horizon? Did a recess bell just ring at the school for the gifted? Was there a run on male body spray and hair product at CVS? Yes boys and girls (and let’s be honest, mostly girls), I felt an ache in my left knee this last week which can only mean one thing–it’s time for Chris Harrison to wake from his bi-annual hibernation for another stint as host of the most entertaining show on television! Well, at least the version where all the sluts are replaced with douche bags, and the vapid, idiot, male star of the show is replaced with an impossibly cute, just-one-of-the-guys, gosh golly gee, girl next door who will invariably make an incredibly stupid decision at the end of the show and give multiple second chances to guys whose faces you want to bash in with a bowling ball. WHOOO! And I haven’t even watched the show yet! Let’s party!
OK, first things first, I have to get this off my chest: why do some versions of this show get subtitles like “On the Wings of Love” and “London Calling” and others don’t? How about some consistency? How are we supposed to feel about the Bachelor(ette)s that don’t get special titles? Are they less important? Less interesting? I also don’t believe any Bachelorette has ever had a subtitle. What a croc of shit. Digression complete. Onto the show.
We (of course) start with a clip package of last season’s romance with Jake, which A) reminds me how friggin’ lame and annoying Jake was and B) immediately makes me like Ali less because I’m reminded that she actually wanted to be with Jake. She tells us via voice-over that she chose a mouse and keyboard over Jake which sounds totally reasonable to me. The sad music ends and the happy music starts courtesy of the heavy-handed music team. SUPER lame montage of Ali trying on outfits and dancing like it’s the opening to the world’s cheesiest sitcom.
Chris tells us that Ali’s back and she’s getting a second chance at love. Then Ali tells us that she’s back and ready to find love. And then Ali AGAIN tells us that she’s here to find love. This is literally all within 20 seconds. We get it. She’s back. And she’s here to find love.
Clips of Ali kicking a soccer ball around and jogging and looking thoughtful on the beach. Admittedly, she’s pretty adorable. The Bachelor post-production team once again takes a Los Angeles sunset and turns it into a crazy strawberry-orange juice cocktail. Easy with the color correction guys:
The show starts for real as we’re introduced to some of the tool bags that’ll be entertaining us all season. Some standouts:
Dingus #1: Frank, 31, Chicago, Retail Manager. Says he’s 30 (info graphic says different). Says he used to be an M&A consultant but gave it up to write screenplays full-time (info graphic says different). He acts like a fucking idiot on the street while telling us that he lives at home with his parents. Oh God. Dude, if you want to write screenplays move to Los Angeles and work as a waiter like everyone else out here, OK? Living in your parent’s basement in some Chicago suburb and mailing scripts to Steven Spielberg c/o Hollywood, CA isn’t going to work.
Creep #2: Jay, 29, Rhode Island, Lawyer. He says he and his brother work in their dad’s law firm. They then show a clip of him acting like he’s grilling a witness in an empty courtroom and I feel embarrassed for everyone involved with this show. He’s also dressed up like Gordon Gecko from Wall Street for some reason. Halloween?
Piece of Work #4: Kyle, 26, Colorado, Outdoorsman. What the fuck is an outdoorsman? That’s a job? This dude looks like he showers maybe once a month, and by showering I mean washing his hands. “It gets lonely out here, there’s a bunch of deer, a bunch of mountains, a bunch of trees, but no women. No women at all. I need a woman.” That doesn’t come off creepy at all. He then shows us his trophy room, full of all the majestic creatures he’s murdered, stuffed, and mounted. He says he isn’t afraid of the other guys because he’s killed a bear. Not sure if he understands how the show works.
Ali’s about to meet some of the guys BUT FIRST, Chris interviews her. It’s super boring and predictable but one funny thing is Chris bringing up the fact that some guys might be there for the wrong reason. Uh, shouldn’t the producers weed those guys out? Do they not get to know them at all during casting? OK, now the guys are showing up. Notes:
And with that, it’s time to throw the chum into the shark tank and Ali heads inside.
Chris L says that if he could wake up every morning with Ali laughing and smiling beside him, he’d be a happy man. What, in his fantasy world, is Ali doing while he’s asleep that he’s waking up to her laughing? And has he thought through how annoying that would get after a few days?
Mentally disabled screenwriter Frank is the first needy, insecure person to pull Ali aside, saying “I need another hug, I NEED it.” He says he’s a risk taker. That he was doing the finance thing and didn’t love it so he quit (read: downsized) so he moved to Paris (Paris, Illinois) to write screenplays. He fails to mention his living arrangements. When did it become a risk to be unemployed and live with your parents? Apparently my high school had a really high percentage of risk-takers.
I may have found another gay contestant. Kirk says he made a scrapbook for Ali. I made a scrapbook once too. I was 6. He has a page that says “be ridiculous” and then says it’s important to act like an idiot sometimes. Mission success.
Kasey from Clovis has a really weird voice. Not only does he talk a mile a minute, he sounds like he might be hearing impaired or something, so I’m not going to mock him until I find out one way or the other. He goes, “I’ll be here for you no matter what happens.” Uh, you JUST met her. You really want to commit that much, overly-sincere guy?
Secretly gay contestant #3, this guy:
Up next we have Construction Engineer Derrick (not to be confused with Derek) who’s strategy is to tell Ali why he’s called “Shooter” and he hopes it’s not too early to reveal it. “It’s kind of an embarrassing story. I might have, kind of, prematurely, in college…” and motions to his dick. Derrick, buddy, it’s ALWAYS too early for stories about how you’re a premature ejaculator.
The Outdoorsman is really creepy. He says he wants to eat the first impression rose so that it can live in his soul forever. The dudes around him quietly back away.
Professional Wrestler Justin gets some one-on-one time with Ali and lets her know that his ring persona is “Rated R” which means he’s safe for children with parental supervision or anyone over the age of 17. Cooler ratings: XXX, X, and NC-17.
Uh oh. We have our first “protector.” Craig R wants Rated R to know that he’s onto him and that he thinks he might be here just to promote his wrestling career. He calls him “Rated Dishonest” which might be the least witty nickname I’ve ever heard. Is it just me or does his head look really large:
Craig R thinks it’s his responsibility to warn Ali about guys that might not be there for the “right” reasons. The Protector always lasts for a while but NEVER wins. Immediately in the “friend” role. Good work Egg Head.
Chris Harrison apparently doesn’t like Craig R trying to steal his BFF status, so he comes out with a little twist. He wants everyone to write down the name or names of dudes who might not be there for the right reasons. The “right” reasons are never really defined. I mean, you’re on a reality show giving up your dignity to get engaged to a girl you’ve never met.
Roberto gets the first impression rose. He has a nice suit, a good pocket square, and salsa danced with Ali. Not too surprising.
The results are in for the “Not Here for the Right Reasons” contest and Ali has two options: Keep him or kick him. I like that it’s one or the other. If the dude gets a rose it’s totally throwing it in the face of the other guys. Anyway, Rated R is the “winner” which I think is a little unfair. He seems decent enough. Ali decides to give him a rose, so suck it everyone else.
Time to kick eight of these dudes to the curb, which doesn’t seem like that difficult a task, given AT LEAST eight of them look like stalkers. Again, too much to really cover so I’ll just list the highlight evictions/roses:
I won’t go over the scenes from next week, since there’s clearly some misleading (and spoiler-y) stuff, but it looks pretty good! Tune in next week for more snark than you can handle! It’ll be more timely as I won’t be in another country when it airs. Sweet!