What up gang?! It’s another week on the Bachelorette and it’s bound to get more interesting as we move into dates instead of the boring meet-and-greet from last week. Before I get started I want to send a (belated) birthday shout out to my #1 fan Jekika SeisHeart. Happy Birthday Jess! Alright, on with the show!
The first one-on-one date is Fuckingfrank, the spazzy, live-at-home “screenwriter” with an extra fang on one side of his mouth (more obvious in HD):
I also always feel like he’s making a face for some reason. Like crossing his eyes and intentionally looking goofy. Frankly, he annoys the shit out of me.
They go outside and Ali has a big old ’50s Caddy. Before she can even tell him that she’ll drive he’s hopping into the passenger seat. How much you wanna bet his mom just drives him around in their Chrysler minivan back home? Fuckingfrank throws up metal horns and goes, “Yeah BABY!” for the third time in less than a minute. He does it AGAIN a few seconds later. I’m alternately reminded how much this show makes me want to break things and how much I love it for that.
We’re treated to an aerial shot of Ali driving down the freeway at about 45 MPH, cars and semis whizzing past in all the lanes:
Thankfully for the motorists of Los Angeles, the Caddy breaks down and they’re forced to abandon it. Instead of catching a ride with the producers’ pursuit vehicle (that would ruin the illusion, I’m sure), Ali’s like, let’s just run there! Yay! Great idea! We’re in the middle of the fucking valley! Let’s just run to Hollywood! Yay!
They get about 10 feet down the freeway before the producers cut and show them getting into a cab on a surface street. They head to Mann’s Chinese, because if there’s a part of LA where there’s exactly jack shit to do, it’s Hollywood and Highland. Hey look! A homeless guy pretending to be Jack Sparrow! Hey look! A homeless guy pretending to be Spider-Man! Hey look! A homeless guy pissing into the street in broad daylight!
They do a photoshoot right in the entryway to Mann’s and I almost feel embarrassed except Fuckingfrank’s like this old roommate I had who was too socially unaware to know when he should feel shame or when he should actually be excited about something. If there’s one thing I hate about Fuckingfrank, it’s his totally undeserved enthusiasm. I feel like he’s really benefiting from a prolonged manic episode. When he get’s kicked off the show he’ll be on suicide watch for about 2 months.
Meanwhile Craig R is trying to be the Protector (again) and going off on Justin AKA Rated R (which is a total Jersey Shore name). He’s grilling him on why he didn’t tell them he was a wrestler. WHO. FUCKING. CARES. Craig, shut the fuck up. If you’ll recall, I made fun of Craig last week for calling Justin “Rated Dishonest.” He actually one-ups his own stupidity this week when he calls him “Rated I-Don’t-Believe-A-Word-You-Say.” Totally not kidding. Craig then says we should let Rated R just “float” back to Toronto. Huh? Geography FAIL.
Back to Ali and Fuckingfrank. Hef gave Ali a key to the Hollywood sign I guess, which is pretty sweet. The Bachelorette producers are pretty good at planning dates.
FF tells Ali about how he manages a retail store and I can totally picture him folding jeans and asking me if I need any help with sizes and then using on of those clip-on-the-shoulder mics to ask Cindy if she can prep a fitting room for me. Then they make out. I was starting to wonder what Ali sees in Fuckingfrank and then I remember that she also fell in love with Jake.
At the house, the guys get the list for the upcoming group date. After the announcement (seemingly) out of nowhere, Craig M (the Canuck Asshole) goes “I want to know what Ali’s gonna think when she sees your fucking gay ass tattoos. Are you serious? Did your mom do that for you?” He says this to some dude I’ve never even seen before but he’s way bigger than Craig and Craig just keeps prodding him and trying to get him to fight. It’s weird.
Ok, next day. Group date in Malibu at a beach house. It looks like a nice day. I wonder when they filmed this. It’s been kind of cold in LA for the last few months. They must have hit a nice weekend. Ali says they’re having a photoshoot. They photographer says they’re making a calendar for charity that’s going to be sold all around the country. Who the fuck would buy that? Seriously.
They give the guys bathing suits to model and some of them get really unlucky. World’s Wittiest Human Craig R gets a high-wasted speedo and they have to blur out his cock. No clue why.
Weatherboy also gets a speedo and he’s REALLY upset. He tells us it’s because he has a small “spptthhhh”. That’s as close as I can get to approximating the nonsense name he has for his dick.
Craig M (the asshole) LOVES posing for the camera and does the preppy sweater-tie around his neck confirming his doppleganger status for Bradley Whitford in Revenge of the Nerds II [thanks Boat].
Ty plays guitar for Ali and he kills it. Ali just stares at him with a look I can only describe as “lusty.” I think he’s safe this round. Funny enough, I actually like the southern guys in this group. They all seem to be pretty cool and decent.
Rated R spends the entire day hopping around on one leg after the group and it’s actually kind of sad (but mostly hilarious). I feel like he finally shows up at one place, panting and out of breath, and they’re like, “Ok, onto the next location!” and he just cries a little.
Onto h.wood for dinner. Ty pulls Ali aside to let her know that he was married and I’m flashing back to Tenley (Eightley) and her hilarious hang-ups about her ex-husband last season. Good times.
Craig M mad dogs Weatherboy and it’s hilarious. Weatherboy tells us that he’s a brown belt in some unnamed martial art. He goes, “if you come at me, I’m gonna put my hand in your face, something like that.” Man! He knows his stuff!
Weatherboy goes into warn Ali about Craig M. Doesn’t he know that Craig R is already jockeying for that BFF slot? He says that Craig M is a “dangerous” person and is totally rewarded with a friend hug. I would KILL for a Weatherboy-vs-Craig M UFC match. Hahaha, Craig M goes, “Hey Weatherman, did she even have a chance to talk when you were in there?” and it’s funny because it’s true. NAILED.
Back at the house Michael Phelps gets the next one-on-one date.
There are literally dudes on this group date that I have never seen before. They’re like red shirts in classic Star Trek, or black people in horror movies.
Ty gets the early rose. Deservedly. OH MY GOD. I just did a time check. Not even HALFWAY done with the episode. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Can’t they air them on two back-to-back nights? It isn’t like ABC has anything else on over the summer. Jesus.
It’s time for Jesse and Ali’s date. Private jet to Vegas. No big deal. Ferrari in Vegas waiting for them. No big deal. Ali insists on driving. She’s such a feminist. I’d be so bummed. Again, she drives really slow. If someone has a Ferrari on a runway and they don’t do donuts, it’s such a waste. They go to a brand new pool in the downtown center. Like literally brand new, not even open to the public yet. If I were a billionaire I’d have the Bachelor producers plan all my dates for me.
They have dinner in Ali’s 2-story penthouse. I’m going to start playing the lottery. Jesse definitely comes off as nice, but personality-free. And not terribly bright.
MEANWHILE, Craig M is just taking up permanent residence in the Weatherboy’s dome. He’s going to start getting mail there. He puts on his clothes and gets the armpits all wet and everyone has a good laugh at Weatherboy and his sweaty pits. It’s so mean and so funny.
Ali and Jesse go to “the hottest club in Vegas” with “VIP access” and like the pool, it’s also not open to the public. Unlike the pool, a totally deserted club sucks. Jamie Cullum plays a concert just for the two of them. Eh. Boring looking smooch on the dance floor annnnnd scene.
Ali comes to the guys’ house to talk to the guys that she dissed by not giving them dates. Roberto was drafted by the Rockies. He’s pretty cool. He brings out his glove to play catch. I hope he throws better than Jake.
The guy with the super weird voice (Casey I guess) sits down to talk to Ali and he goes, “You look absolutely imaginary.” I rewound three times to make sure that’s actually what he said because Ali acts like he didn’t just say something insane. Is that a saying I just don’t know about? What does that even mean? They edit it to make it look like he has about 20 seconds with her before Fuckingfrank comes out because he’s feeling insecure (he already has a rose from his one-on-one date). Dick move dude. Fuckingfrank totally makes out with her while all the other guys watch and get nauseous. Can’t blame them.
Weatherboy is bitching about Craig M some more. If you’re more focused on another dude in the house than you are on the Bachelorette, it’s not good and you will get kicked out. He has some one-on-one time with Ali and he spends it talking about Craig M. It would be funny if every time he talked shit about Craig M Ali thought he was talking about Craig R (the idiot). He says Craig M is “dangerous” which is funny. Craig M isn’t dangerous, he’s an asshole.
Hahaha, they’re now showing two dudes talking to each other about Craig M. that I’ve never seen before. Maybe it’s because it’s hour 14 of this telethon and I’m punchy but it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all night.
Craig M is sitting down with Ali and she calls him on not liking her and asks why he acts so aloof and reserved when he’s with her. NAILED! Haha. I would say Craig M ISN’T that into her, but his ego is so huge that he wants to win for the sake of winning. At this point, I would also say that Ali doesn’t want to keep Craig M at all, but the producers will talk her into it for the drama (spoiler: I was wrong).
Craig calls everyone into the living room to dress them down. Craig asks Weatherboy point-blank if he told Ali he was “dangerous” and Weatherboy can’t even look at him and then talks in circles instead of being like, “yeah I told her you were an asshole and picking fights with everyone.” Weatherboy gets totally Alpha-maled by Craig M. It’s pretty funny.
It’s time for Ali to look at cheesily-framed head shots of the guys while she the producer decides which guys will be the best to keep create the most drama.
Weird voice guy! No way. Haha.
Hunter. Didn’t see him at all this week but his song was funny last week, so good on him.
Roberto. Natch. Salsa-danced right into my heart!
Chris L. Barely saw him this week. Kind of surprising.
Rated R! Limp over and get your rose buddy! He won’t win, but he’s good blog fodder.
John C. One of my picks for being gay. He might end up being interesting.
Craig R with the huge dome. Kind of surprising.
Chris N. AGAIN, who? Why aren’t they showing some of these guys that are actually making it through?
FINAL ROSE. Drum rollllll……….
WEATHERBOY! His life is complete! Hahaha. He won’t even know what to do in the house now that defeated his arch enemy.
Man, I have to say, I’m pretty bummed Craig M got kicked out. He was definitely interesting and these dudes are all really boring, so I’m a little concerned about the show now. Hopefully Rated R and Craig R can fight more next week. Maybe be a little less civil. Craig M talks to Ali on the way out but he’s blitzed and can’t even get out a coherent sentence. “Thanks for the opportunity. There’s a lot of aga-sary-snury-suff stuff going on.”
Ok, well that’s it for this week. Lots of no-namers left. I hope they end up being HUGE assholes. And on that note! See you next week!