First, apologies for the delay. Technical difficulties and all that. Second, how could this show get this boring this fast? Boring bachelorette and boring contestants. Thank GOD each episode is 2 hours. So let’s just jump right into it so we can get this week over with. Oh, and before we begin, you should know that boredom makes me get all cussy, so kids, do as I say, don’t do as I do.
First date is with the guy I think is going to win or at least get to the final two, ex-pro football player, Ryan. And let me just say, this dude’s hair bugs the living shit out of me.
Second of all, he is a moron. Nice guy. Total moron. He’s the kind of guy that acts really interested in everything you say even though it’s not really registering.
Emily: Today Ricki has soccer practice today–
Emily: I wasn’t finished, you don’t need to validate that statement or express disbelief.
They bring in the groceries and bake cookies and Ryan has to make constant comments about how baking isn’t manly and what a good sport he must be to act so womanly. Emily then forces Ryan to drive to the soccer field with her but makes him wait in the car (hope she cracked a window) while she brings snacks to the team because she’s not ready to have Ricki meet the guys. But how fucking weird is it that there’s some strange guy waiting in the car? Half-including her daughter in this, but not letting her meet or talk to any of the guys just makes everything that much more awkward.
Next, it’s time for dinner and after changing they head off in the Aston Martin that the show has rented for Emily. Not sure I get this tactic, they’re supposed to be in her hometown, on her turf, with no pretense but do they just want us to think she’s this multimillionaire stay-at-home mom? At the restaurant there’s a crowd of 50-100 of the saddest people you will ever see.
They want us to think that these people just “heard” about this date and showed up? It’s so staged and phony. They go inside and have a cheese plate and drink, Emily gives him a rose, and they have this conversation that gets more and more hillbilly as it goes.
Ryan: Don’t make this easy on me.
Emily: You said you like a chase, honey I’ma give you a chase.
Ryan: Hoooo Lord! I’m ready!
Emily: You’re in fer it!
Ryan: This southern boy knows how to chase!
Emily: Get onnit!
Ryan: I can run! Do you like to run?
Emily: You have NO IDEA.
I have no idea what they’re talking about by the end. Is he planning on raping her?
They go outside for one more surprise: a concert, which might be romantic in another setting, but the WalMart shoppers are all back to oggle them as they slow dance.
Weird and awful.
The next day is a group date. Which would normally be horribly cheesy but the date is putting on a show with Kermit, Ms Piggy, and Fozzie. I love me some Muppets man, I’m not gonna front. The whole thing is really a non-event, except for Charlie who can’t do the stand-up portion because he says he has some horrible speech impediment from his balcony collapse accident (which is the second weirdest injury backstory this show has had). So he just switches to another job on the show. Speech impediment my ass. He’s just thinking about that one dude’s stand-up routine a few seasons ago, where he torched Ashley.
Nothing interesting happens, but again it’s weird that Ricki is in the audience. They openly acknowledge that all the guys are trying to date her mom. I wonder what her take on this is. They never show her talk, so she seems like a special needs kid, which is a little unfair.
And for the record, Emily’s a better actor than Chris Harrison.
After the show they go to a loft for drinks. I’m sitting there thinking how weird looking Chris is and then Emily goes, “You’re SO good looking. You’re REALLY attractive.” Like, THAT’S the guy you single out for being really good looking? He doesn’t even have lips.
Kalen acts like the world’s most self-centered human.
Emily: I’ve been looking forward to talking to you.
Kalen: I KNOW!
Emily: I was worried earlier.
Kalen: I’ll be honest, I’ve never had to compete for the attention of a woman.
Emily: I’m guessing you see a girl, she’s dying to talk to you before you even see her. [Why? Do women love goofy veneers? Is that a thing?]
Kalen: You’re probably giving me too much credit, because back home, yes, things are great…
Jef, the Marty McFly, skateboarding, bottled water d-bag plays hard to get and Emily loves it. He gets the rose. Chris pouts because he was sure he’d get it after being told how strangely handsome he is.
The last date is a one-on-one with Joe, who Emily thinks looks like Matthew McConaughey, which is kind of sort of the case if you squint really hard.
They jet off to West Virginia, Emily’s real hometown, and go to this crazy posh, tacky resort that she used to spend all her time at as a child. From the outside the place looks gorgeous. From the inside, it is hideous. Like mid-70s Dollywood baroque. I have nightmares about places like this.
They could have filmed the Shining here.
The date is really boring. Emily and Joe partake in a tradition at the hotel where you write down a wish and put it in this clock and then the custodial staff collects the wishes and throws them out. Joe writes a really sweet little note and then Emily immediately dumps him. She was already going to do it, I don’t know why she insisted he write that letter first, but whatever.
Back at the house Kalen tells Doug that he put his parenting on hold to come on the show and Doug is like, “Be REALLY careful, then back it up, then apologize.” “I was just–” “Stop right there. Just check it.” Of course, Kalen’s right and he did put his parenting on hold, unless his kid is somewhere in NC with him.
Only funny thing at the pre-rose ceremony is when Ryan (who already has his rose) cock blocks the entire cast by giving Emily a seven page hand-written letter that she then has to read out loud to Ryan while single dad Tony is standing in the room waiting to talk to her, FOR EVER. Everyone outside is cracking up at how screwed Tony got. It is a LONG letter (and he signs it “Love in Christ, Ryan” ugh). After she’s done reading Ryan goes, “There were seven pieces of paper in there? I’m like ‘Did I get seven pieces of paper in this?'” This is the mental giant that is Ryan—he verbalizes a thought he has and then immediately reminisces about that same thought.
Anyway, it’s time to send two bros packing (ONLY TWO?!?!). Big surprise, it’s two dudes who I barely even recognize except for this hipster who thinks he looks smart:
So that’s it for this week. I’ll be back at some point next week, crying hysterically, typing through the tears, and banging my head on my keyboard, so be sure to come back for that. And if you like this at all, even a tiny bit, “like” Not Zombies on Facebook (it’s over there on the right side) and share this post on your wall or I swear to God I’ll switch to recapping NBA games instead. And if I left anything out, tell me below. Until next week, PEACE!