Here we are in the lazy days of late spring and it’s time for the shepherd to cull the flock, so to speak. There are still men on this show that they have never shown speak for more than 5 seconds. Think about that. This is the worst-produced, worst-edited show on primetime network television. It’s like they’re casting a horror movie the way they pad the cast with expendable douche bags. These guys have body sprays to shop for, gyms to get to, women to roofie, they don’t have time to be on your show and NOT get camera time!
Anyway, I’m super annoyed and bored this week, so let’s just fly through it.
Emily invites Chris on the first one-on-one, apparently still under the impression that he’s insanely good looking. They go to dinner and because this is the fucking Bachelor(ette) they have to scale the outside of a 9 story building to get to the restaurant.
It goes well, he gets a rose, and they have another little “private” concert with a bunch of fanny-pack wearing Bachelor fans hanging out and watching while he kisses her (after awkwardly asking, of course).
Next day Emily has the group date in a park. She makes the guys entertain a bunch of little kids while her friends grill the guys one-by-one. Ryan immediately shows up and tries to be the alpha male. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pisses in random corners of the house during the day.
And where have I seen his stupid hair before?
Anyway, I digress. The date doesn’t really put anyone out front or hurt anyone, save a few exceptions:
Ryan at one point ditches the little kids so he can go schmooze with Emily and tell her that she better not get fat after they get married. Something all men think but you just don’t say.
Emily’s friends tell the idiot with the ostrich egg that he is an idiot.
Sean meets with Emily’s friends and her one friend hits on him. Repeatedly. And then this happens:
Doug (the ripped single father, not the crying skinny one) comes off really well, as does Jef.
And although they don’t show it until AFTER the show ends, Alessandro, the Brazilian with the dirt beard, tells her friends that A) he has been in love once. WITH HIS COUSIN. B) He has cheated. And C) he doesn’t really want a kid. Crucial intel that the editors took out so we could see Emily’s horny friend try and screw Sean.
After the park they all go to dinner and crying single dad Tony goes into the back alley and cries and Emily’s like, “yeah, you’re not going to win so you should just go.” Ejected!
Sean gets the rose for being a hunky Christian.
Up next is the one-on-one date with (former? he has no recent races on Wikipedia) Indy car driver Arie. Emily takes him the one of the worst themed theme parks in the world, Dollywood.
Parks that should exist instead of Dollywood: Weezerwood, Daft Punk Mountain, Six Flags Over Metallica.
Parks that would be worse than Dollywood: Nickelback Park, Creed County, The Insane Clown Posse’s Juggaland.
The producer’s get Emily and Arie onto a stage under the pretense of writing poetry but, SURPRISE, Dolly Parton is there to perform for them and Emily looks legitimately surprised, which would be cool if real (who knows at this point). Dolly looks exactly the same as she did 30 years ago: plasticky. But it’s still impressive.
Then Arie and Emily go to dinner together. Emily pulls out the rose and plays a little joke on Arie by pretending he’s not going to get it. It’s weird when the editors forget to edit out people being funny and charming.
And I have to say, Arie’s actually really normal and cool. I’m not used to liking the guys on these shows so it’s off-putting. If I can’t be snarky and annoyed, what’s the point? Actual romance? Ew. Anyway, after dinner they ride the merry-go-round and make out. A bunch.
Lastly, the rose ceremony. Here are the lowlights, briefly:
Kalon acts like a total spaz and says all the wrong things (and wears dinner slippers with no socks) and still gets a rose.
Travis, the idiot with the ostrich egg, lets Emily throw it on the ground (value: $45).
Alessandro, he of the dirt beard, tells Emily that she and her daughter would be an anchor on his free-swinging lifestyle. So she immediately kicks him to the curb (that’s two dudes before the rose ceremony, slow down Emily, Chris Harrison needs SOMETHING to do).
Emily at some point switches out her gold heels for giant black combat boots.
Arie builds Emily back up after her confidence is shaken post-dirt beard. And then makes out with her.
Sean build hers confidence up some more. And then makes out with her.
There are dudes who get roses who I don’t think I’ve seen ever talk to Emily. We have like 3 more episodes of guys we’ve never seen getting kicked off. How is this show 2 hours a week?
And lastly, the moron “Party MC” Stevie gets kicked off.
The scenes from last week actually don’t look all that bad. But I’m sure I’m wrong. Until then, like, share, comment, etc, or I will take a flamethrower to this place. Like Pacino.