Just to be clear, when I saw “now we’re getting somewhere” I don’t mean that we’re making any meaningful progress, but rather that the show is literally moving locations to (apparently freezing cold) Bermuda. The bros are, needless to say, very pumped. I have to apologize for being late, again, but you can blame the funniest web series ever, and pitch-perfect Bachelor parody, Burning Love. If you like Party Down, it’s a lot of the same cast.
Anyway, back to the show. I would love to see the marketing research for this show that says viewers had major doubts about a single mom being on the show because fully 85% of any episode focuses on the fact that Emily is a mother and shows her hanging out with Ricki and teaching Ricki and talking about Ricki and blah blah blah. We get it. After a lengthy montage of Emily mothering, we learn that single dad and frequent gym-goer Doug will be getting the first date.
Doug is a good-looking man. I can admit that. But Christ, what an asshole. The guys start joking around with him trying to make him nervous, very innocent and bro-like, and Doug gets so pissed. He has the worst sense of humor of anyone on this show and that is saying A LOT (check out his shady past). Emily shows up right before Doug’s about to throw down with Arie. Saved by the belle. [You see what I did there?]
Here’s why I like Arie more than anyone that’s ever been on this show:
The date is just like Doug: looks great, super boring. His faux-enthusiasm for everything grates on me. “Are we going shopping?! Excellent!” Emily really likes him because just like her, his sole defining characteristic is that he has a child. Any time Emily makes a joke the conversation grinds to a halt as Doug’s brain tries to figure out the human emotion that relates to laughter. There’s an archway couples walk through to make a wish. Emily walks him through it and he goes “I can do that 100 times, that was awesome.” Doug, first, your wish won’t ACTUALLY come true, second, you’re the guy that always says he’d wish for another 100 wishes if he found a genie, huh? Oh and third, it was “awesome”? Really?
Over dinner Emily thinks that Doug always says the right thing and tries to get him to list his flaws. He pulls the classic job interview trick of listing a positive as a negative. “What’s my worst quality? I’m just too awesome at being a dad.” He also points out that Emily is equally incapable of saying anything negative about herself. They are perfect for each other.
After he gets a rose and Emily practically opens her mouth and closes her eyes, he tells us in confessional that he refuses to kiss her because his grandpa told him that you don’t kiss a woman until she lets you know that she wants to be kissed. Other things his grandfather told him:
Next is the group date and the boys are split into two teams and forced to race yachts, which they seem woefully under-qualified for but whatever. The losing team has to go back to the hotel. Wa waaa. Unfortunately Ryan is not on that team.
Winning team: Jef, Kalon, Ryan, and Arie.
The losing team takes a van home and Charlie cries. Dead serious.
On the group date, Ryan says that Emily would be a great trophy wife (dude is a real winner), Arie makes out with Emily on the beach where it’s really cold (I always thought Bermuda was always warm like the South Pacific or Caribbean), Kalon gets almost 0 screen time (thank God, I can’t stand looking at that smug, half smile he has ALL OF THE TIME), Jef acts super fem and overly sincere and gets a rose, and Ryan tells Emily that God made her beautiful so she should work out and actually do that because it’s really all she’s good for (I’m only partially paraphrasing).
The last date is a two-on-one with two guys who I think just showed up this week (two other guys that have never talked to Emily but I DO recognize have to once again sit this one out). Both super boring, one is really young, one is a little older, a little more confident. It’s a forgone conclusion even before they get to the super awkward cave dinner. Yes, that’s right, cave dinner. It is the most quiet, most echoey date I have ever seen. You can hear them swallowing their wine. It’s 80% nervous laughter. The older guy gets the rose and the younger gets sent home.
Back to house, it’s time for the pre-rose ceremony socializing.
Mushroom farmer (yes, “mushroom farmer,” the only reason I don’t make fun of this–my brother does it) Alejandro pulls Emily aside and for some reason talks to her like they’ve actually talked before. Weird. Certainly they would have shown that at some point—the show is two fucking hours every week. Ryan throws on the southern charm along with a few layers of lip gloss and goes to work on Emily.
Before he can dig himself too deep in his own bullshit, Arie shows up because he hates Ryan, and also lip gloss. Arie makes Emily tell him how much she likes him. “What do you like about me? Awww. What else? That’s sweet. What else?”
Meanwhile, Ryan tells Ashton Kutcher that he doesn’t really care what happens because he’s got media contacts back home and he’ll just get them to make him the next Bachelor. I cannot wait.
Also meanwhile, weird-looking Chris (who Emily mysteriously thinks is really hot) gets all up in Doug’s face for saying that he’s too young. Doug just does the awkward pre-fight laughing-at-things-that-aren’t-funny bro move and dismisses him.
Ultimately we get to the roses, and Ugly Ashton Kutcher gets kicked out and talks to Emily for the first time, and Cryin’ Charlie gets kicked out. And cries. In the rain. Waaaa. Next the show will take us to London. I will probably spend the entire time trying to get you to watch my favorite British tv shows. Just a warning.
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