Usually this show isn’t so bad about this time. The crew heads out to a foreign country, there are still some weirdos left (some of whom are usually great blog fodder), I’ve started to narrow down who the funniest people are, and the dates are usually at least kind of amusing. Not so much this year. Emily is so nice and so boring. Maybe it’s the edit. It’s probably the edit. But Christ, talk about a good show to nap to. Let’s get down to it.
The episode starts, as it always does, with Emily and her daughter. They’re in London this week. I wonder if Ricki ever wants to get away from her mom. She’s like, “Mom, I understand that you feel a need to follow me to school, but can you please get out of the stall?” All the bros gather in Trafalgar Square and Chris Harrison tells them that one of them will be Emily’s husband “because that is where this is headed.” Since when do Bachelor shows end in marriage? The guys go to the hotel and Sean gets an invite to a one-on-one date. I get a blanket and a pillow.
Hey, I just noticed Sean’s an insurance agent. Color me shocked.
They go site-seeing and take a bunch of touristy couple’s pictures. Those will look great on his Facebook page after she rips his heart out of his chest. They walk by the Hyde Park Speakers’ Corner and the producers in no way set up a scenario where a speaker challenges Sean to get up and speak. He delivers what I’m sure in his mind was a really eloquent, passionate speech about love but really he just says “love” about 15 times a sentence while he rambles about his parents and grandparents. In weird, over-enunciated syllables. Then they go have dinner at the Tower of London in a prison. It’s just weird and dark and dank. I mean, it is an old prison. They go up on the ramparts and make out after Sean gets a rose.
While this date was happening, the guys got their group date invite. It drops the line “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” and none of the guys know what it’s from. Then in a clearly scripted moment a couple of them go “oh that’s Shakespeare, huh?” and they all laugh at how fucking stupid they are.
As the day starts we learn that Emily is sick. She’s sick for the rest of the episode as she rasps her way through the dates. The group date is at Stratford-upon-Avon (Shakespeare’s birthplace) and the guys are all shocked to learn that they have to perform Shakespeare. Durrr. Of course, like every date, it’s just a test to see which one the guys will have fun with it. Emily just wants a man-child that makes everything silly so Ricki has a permanent play date.
Doug tries to be silly as a woman, but he doesn’t have a sense of humor so it’s hard. Chris becomes a non-entity this week, so I don’t think he has a shot. Kalon tries and fails. Arie really hams it up so Emily likes that (he’ll be SO good at Barbie and tea parties!). Ryan toes the line of serious and goofy, but uses his kissing scene to try and finally get his tongue in Emily’s mouth. Repeatedly. Emily loves what a sleazeball he is because she’s that “bad boy” type, but Arie gets the nod as being the best of the group.
They all reconvene at a pub. Arie makes out with Emily. Ryan runs his ham-fisted douchebag routine and it’s awful. Like everything he does is planned out. He gives Emily a necklace and then has a scripted comedy bit about what if Shakespeare were a hick washed-out athlete (but you don’t see that until the end credits). He just does it so he can get another stage kiss. I hope he wins. It will really highlight what a horrible sham this show is.
Everyone bitches about Kalon until Doug hears about it and he gets all Doug. He’s like “HOW COULD HE? HOW COULD HE SAY THAT? I AM MAD!” Hey, it happens. Kalon’s not into Emily. Doug immediately confronts Kalon, who’s like “yeah I said it” and then he runs and narcs to Emily. Who ALSO freaks out. Who cares? You already knew he was a douche and were never going to keep him. So kick him off and move on. He didn’t call Ricki a little retard or anything.
Doug is such a whiny, humorless, wannabe white knight. It makes me sick. He also talks in questions. “Last night? As I heard it? You referred to Ricki as ‘baggy-age’?” Kalon says he didn’t mean for it be negative. When has the figurative expression “baggage” ever been used in a positive way? “That girl isn’t great looking, but she has some really great emotional baggage.”
Anyway, Emily lectures Kalon on what a dick he is and then tells him to “get the fuck out” in her raspy little sick voice. The only interesting part of the show. Kalon takes the long ride home. Emily ends the night early and doesn’t even give out a rose. KALON YOU HAVE RUINED THE SANCTITY OF THIS SHOW!
The next day Emily has a one-on-one date with Jef. It’s a formal English tea, which Jef says sounds “delightful.” He is secretly ecstatic, as any gay man would be. Emily and Jef actually leave the tea service early because they can’t handle harsh tea mum Jean who is all up in their shit with manner lessons. It’s completely scripted. They go to a pub where Jef has to defend himself over the Kalon thing because he knows Emily is looking for her dream narc. He proves himself completely straight when he says “if Ricki’s baggage, then she’s a Chloe handbag that I want to have forever.” I start repeating everything he says in my mind with a super gay accent and it becomes hilarious.
They head off to the London Eye for dessert. I think Jef is catching Emily’s cold because he sniffs after every sentence. He doesn’t always do that, does he? Their pod is ridiculously lit up. And probably has a skeleton film crew of only 17 due to size contraints. So romantic. Jef is still worried about the whole Ricki thing so he’s like, “girl, we’d be besties. You’d come home from… wherever [she doesn’t work where would she be?] and we’d be all dancing, and singing into our hairbrushes!” And doing each other’s make up and trying on clothes and talking about boys…
Jef wants to kiss Emily but it’s really hard for him to pull it off. He doesn’t make the move in the pod, but then awkwardly kisses her once their down by the river. Look at her kind of jerk back in surprise:
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour Emily grills every dude about the stupid Kalon thing and they each need to say that A) they will always tell her the truth and B) they do not think of Ricki as baggage. It’s like the new Bachelorette oath. Arie gets it the worst because she likes him the most. He says he feels awful about it but I wish he had been like “Bitch, I ain’t no narc!”
It’s all for show as everyone gets a rose except for Alejandro, who to this day has still not talked to Emily. It’s the farthest I’ve ever seen someone go in this show without interacting with the Bachelorette. It’s actually kind of impressive. It comes down to him or Arie and Alejandro is like, “well I’m pretty sure I know how this is going to end.” So goodbye Alejandro, victim of the most vicious editors I have ever seen. This is how they react to the allegations of racism? YEESH.
Next week, Croatia. Full confession: everything I know about Croatia I learned on ER from Dr. Luka Kovac. So I look forward to someone dying in a bloody civil war.
Anyway, tell your friends, tell your baby daddy, share, comment, like, you know the drill. Maybe I can make enough money off this site to recoup 1/100th of my hosting cost. Until next week, PEACE!