The Bachelorette: Got Any Croatian in You?

8 Comments 20 June 2012

Well here we are, late as always. I have some bad news for my constant readers at the end, but for now Emily is in Croatia and I suppose we should talk about it. Why is Emily in Croatia? I do not know, but she finally left Ricki at home, so we aren’t beaten over the head with an opening “mommy” montage. As we arrive the skies are cold and lifeless like my dead heart so hey, let’s do this!

Emily shows up at the Bro Lair to hand-deliver the first one-on-one invite and Ryan slips his arm around her and tells us “not sure if the other guys noticed!” I’m sure they did, and I’m sure they noticed your retarded facial hair, false self-confidence, and complete lack of intelligence you fucking twit.

Travis gets the one-on-one date, I’m assuming so she can just kick him off early in the episode. Travis is really nice and really simple. Not in the good way. He pretty much just says stuff like “Awesome!” “Sure!” “Great!” “Really!” He’s the buff version of Kenny the NBC Page.

Emily says that she likes being with someone that she can be silly around without feeling self-conscious. Which means someone who’s as “simple” as she is.

Back at the Bro Suite we see Ryan wearing something which I assume was designed for the women’s Olympic track team:

Later in the day, the guys find out that everyone but Ryan is going on the group date. Ryan looks forward to date-raping Emily on their one-on-one. I kid, I kid! But seriously, Emily, carry your drink with you at all times, and if he buys you a beer, make sure it’s a bottle with the top still on.

Back on the date Emily and Travis talk about how he hasn’t dated in two years and then they hug. Travis tells us that it’s great feeling for someone again, and how he could see himself falling in love with Emily. Uh oh. Emily picks up the rose and then proceeds to not give it to Travis. Travis leaves into the rainy night, throws his umbrella down in the street, and then cries a little bit in confessional. Awww.

On the group date the guys all dress up like Scotsman to compete in Scottish games. In Croatia. Why? Because Pixar’s Brave comes out this Friday, and why not shoe-horn in some shameless plugs? It’s like wrestling and caber tossing in sleeveless Ts. Jef and Arie are like, “fuuuuuuck.”

It goes pretty much how you’d expect. Sean and Doug dominate. Arie and Jef don’t totally embarrass themselves. And Chris totally embarrasses himself.

Which somehow wins him… well something, I’m not sure. It’s a mug. Of bravery. Or for bravery. I’m not sure which, but Chris wins BECAUSE ALL THESE GROUP DATES ARE JUST A TEST. When will these guys learn? She doesn’t want someone that’s good at anything, just someone that will make Ricki laugh.

Chris and Emily get some blanket time and do some gentle making out. Nothing passionate. Not like the alley tongue rape that Emily and Arie share. And yet it’s Chris that gets the rose because of how insanely handsome he is. Emily’s sentiment, not mine.

The final one-on-one date is, as we know, for Ryan. Throughout the whole thing he constantly refers to Emily as a future “trophy wife” despite the fact that she doesn’t like it because he is FUCKING STUPID AND DOESN’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A TROPHY WIFE IS. He’s a dumb jock that just knows a trophy as a good thing. He’s like, “why are you not more flattered when I call you a trophy wife? Trophies are awesome. I have like, a million of them. In my bedroom. And some in the den. And some in the living room.” So it’s not really his fault. What is his fault? These god-awful shoes he wears to the dinner part of the date:

Ryan has a list of qualities he wants in a wife. It is not a good list. I actually found a picture online:

Ryan, despite arguing with Emily about the decision for 10 minutes, does NOT get a rose. Wow. Those previews were bullshit. Shocker. As Ryan walks off, he says he’ll keep in touch with the guys since they’re all good friends, while they all high five and laugh back at the room. In the limo Ryan talks more about himself, and how he hopes he gets a good edit. He repeats that a few times. I die a little inside thinking of how much less funny this show got.

Arie heads to Emily’s room to make out with her. Why guys don’t do this all the time, I have no idea. Chris Harrison has even said that they’re totally allowed to. Arie leaves and it’s off to the Rose Ceremony.

Emily says two dudes are on the fence. The first is John, who Emily pulls aside to talk to. John pulls out his grandparent’s funeral cards (apparently a Catholic thing), and cries over them. He says he’s had them in his wallet since 1999, and then says his grandfather had his heart attack 9 years ago. CONTINUITY ERROR! I’ll let it slide since this is only the 3rd time he’s actually talked to Emily, and the first he’s talked to her for more than 30 seconds. Then they kiss for 4 or 5 seconds. She makes out with everyone. I expect guys to be gross and sleazy, but come on Emily, you’re making out with John even. At least stick to contenders.

The other possible loser is Doug, and I’m not sure why. I’d like to think it’s his super annoying, whiny voice. Emily says it’s because he’s closed off. He’s just waiting for a written statement signed by Emily and Chris Harrison (in triplicate) saying that it’s ok to put his tongue inside her mouth.

Emily: The guys even call you “Humble Doug”. What a great nickname to have.
Doug: It’s just a name.

HE’S EVEN HUMBLE ABOUT BEING HUMBLE! Next bachelor for sure. He does get a hand around Emily’s waist (after she puts it there) and he’s like, “that’s third base!” Then he cries.

So with those meetings out of the way we go into the Rose Ceremony and of course it gets down to those two. Emily freaks and walks off. She goes to find Chris Harrison, who is hanging out kind of far away for a dude with hosting duties, and in a really dark weird area hitting on a PA or something.

Emily says she needs to do something, and Chris says “there are no rules” but really he means “you can do whatever you want provided you don’t violate the contract, you pick the people we suggest, let us film EVERYTHING, etc.” They basically want us to think she’s going to send two more guys home, and she even makes them think that with her speech, “I can’t give out this final rose……. I NEED TO GIVE OUT TWO!” Yay! Barf. So everyone gets a rose. Which makes way more sense than all of a sudden sending three dudes home. This had to have all been planned out, right? Anyway, that’s that.

Now normally I don’t discuss scenes from next week, but Chris Harrison tells us that we’ll finally learn about the “Producer that Arie was dating.” SAY WHAT?! Like we all knew about that? Not everyone reads Us Weekly (hi Jekika). WTF, ABC. Save it for the episode.

Ok, so onto my news/announcement/whatever. I’m unfortunately out of town for business for a bunch of next week, and then I’m off to Japan for 2 weeks. So I will be leaving you until the finale, unless I manage to get next week’s in at some point (but it would be really late and I probably won’t have time for it). I just don’t want you to be all like this when you don’t see a post:

Don’t cry little ones. My Twitter bud Ashley (who just broke her arm in Hawaii–HEAL QUICK ASHLEY!) recaps the show, one letter at a time until her arm is better. And Get To Our Game also writes really funny recaps, if that’s your thing. Psh.

So until, well, whenever, take care of yourselves. And each other. And, you know, share, comment, etc.

Your Comments

8 Comments so far

  1. Elizabeth says:

    So sad you won’t be around to re-cap the Arie and the producer episode. I want to see these producers…they sure get a lot of action.
    And also sad that Ryan is gone. Seriously…he provided so much comic relief. *sigh*

  2. paula says:

    love the list of kwalities. ha ha

    Gonna miss your recaps. I am curious what you do that you get to travel to Japan. that’s pretty cool! have a great trip

  3. Lazlo says:

    I give Ryan 1/2 kudo for calling Emily out on saying she doesn’t want to be referred to as a “trophy wife” when the only way she could have covered herself in more skintight gold for that date would have been to literally have herself dipped in gold lame, Han Solo style.

    But I give him negative a million kudos for failing to understand, despite constant explanation, that “trophy wife” is not a compliment.

  4. Liotte says:

    Your pictures and GIFs this week are awesome. I’ll miss your recaps the next few weeks!!

  5. Jekika says:

    You have to recap the Arie/producer episode. That is all.

  6. Kelsey says:

    i’ll miss your recaps! thanks for the laughs tho. 🙂

  7. liotte says:

    COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!

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