Well, it’s that time. I’m back from Japan, all caught up on what I missed, and ready to get this crap over with. Harrison is promising us a very heart-wrenching finale. But they lie pretty much constantly. Remember Arie’s big scandal a few weeks ago that I missed? Yeah, it was so horrible that they resolved it OFF CAMERA. Groan.
Up first, Jef gets to meet Emily’s family and, I think, little Ricki. It’s weird seeing Jef with Emily. He looks about 10 years younger than her. Maybe it’s just the makeup blasted all over her face though. As each friggin’ family member pulls Jef aside to grill him, he just sounds so insincere and cheesy.
Jef talks to Emily’s brother and he says that the last guy she brought home was Ricky Hendrick, Ricki’s late father. Uh, she didn’t bring Brad Womack home? Holy shit, that was a farce. Thanks ABC. You destroy your own cred. That relationship was so fake Brad didn’t even spend time with her family.
Jef asks Emily’s dad for permission to marry her and he gives in super fast. Woah, man. You’ve known him for less than a day. When I saw Jef skitch up on his skateboard in the first ep I didn’t think he’d last more than a few episodes.
I still don’t think he fits. And I still kind of think he’s gay. But whatever.
Arie’s up next. He looks much more appropriate for her. But Emily’s family mad-dogs him (revenge for his stern Euro-family maybe) until he gives them a box filled with all the roses he’s gotten from Emily. Which is nice, because either it helps him, and he wins, or he loses and he would have thrown them out anyway.
Emily’s mom likes Arie. Mostly because he dated a single mom before and he’s really nice and in love with Emily. Emily’s brother is worried that Arie’s a little too slick (dude should have met Ryan). But Arie again masterfully plays the single mom card and Ernie hasn’t been this confused since trying to learn the I-before-E rule in middle school.
Arie also asks Dad if he can marry Emily and they edit in a nice long pause before he’s like “duh, I said yes to that gay fella yesterday, why not?”
Emily sits down with her family for the debrief. They refuse to make her decision for her. Weird they would do that after her last turn on the show. Emily tells her mom she’s still not sure if she can introduce Ricki to the guys. Uh, you’re going to get engaged to one of them. I think Ricki can handle meeting two dudes. She isn’t made of glass. She survived Brad Womack (and they probably never even hung out after the show). How can she not know which of these two guys she wants to spend the rest of her life with (and by “rest of her life” I mean the “After-the-Rose special”)?
Chris Harrison polls the live studio audience on which of the two guys they like and after Jef gets the much bigger applause he goes “pretty much even.” Not really, Chris.
Emily and Jef have their last date. Jef tells us that he still wants to meet Ricki before making a decision. No shit, dude. Why is engagement even a possibility at the end of this show? She’s a single mom and these guys have spent 0 seconds with the biggest part of her life. The ONLY part of her life. This show is awful. Eventually Emily relents and lets Jef meet Ricki. Boy is Jef going to be let down. And why does Jef have a Wynn tattoo on his arm? What kind of crazy good deals must he get at the casino?
Emily once again tells us that her and Ricki are a “package deal.” Is this Obvious Hour or what? Jef meets Ricki and it’s nice to see both Emily and Jef overreact to every little thing Ricki does. Ricki sneezes. “That was AWESOME!” This kid is going to have to most over-developed ego. Everyone gets along though and it sure seems like Jef has this in the bag. The practiced, gentle, scripted way he talks drives me crazy. I hope he loses so he can be the Bachelor and I can make fun of him for another 10 episodes. They can put some male contestants on too.
That night Jef and Emily spend some time alone in his room. He gets her a coffee table book on Curaçao and ruins it by drawing little stick figures on random pages.
Emily says she’ll keep it forever. Unless he loses. Or even if he wins, because even then she’ll probably toss it when they break up next month.
SIDE NOTE: It makes me so sad that I not only watch, but write about a show that has commercials for the geriatric rom-com Hope Springs. I’d have to turn in my man card if I’d ever earned it in the first place (I didn’t).
Chris Harrison visits Emily the next morning after once again interviewing some audience members who are rabid for Jef. Emily says she doesn’t know what she wants at the end of this. Uh, what? You didn’t think about the end game when they asked you to do the show? She DOES say that Jef is the one she wants though. SPOILER, guys. Aren’t they supposed to drag this out for another hour? At least Emily isn’t going to dump Arie at the last minute. I had no idea being classy was even an option on this show. They’re saying that every time they force both contestants to go to the engagement area when one of them is about to get dumped that it isn’t necessary? You can eliminate someone before that? Man, these Bachelors and Bachelorettes are assholes.
Arie shows up for his date and he isn’t even greeted by Emily but some voodoo priestess that’s going to teach him how to make a love potion. That’s a little harsh. Arie thinks he’s getting engaged. That’s sad. I mean, maybe after his season of The Bachelor he actually will get engaged for a few months. Arie, when you’re the Bachelor you’ll get to make out with like, a dozen chicks and some might even be attractive.
Emily bursts into tears and dumps him. Arie takes it like a man (men mumble and walk off, right?). Emily really makes it sound like she’s told him throughout the show that she would pick him at the end (edited out, of course). That suuuucks. Arie kisses her on the cheek and tries to walk off but Emily won’t have it. Women love dumping dudes and then talking about it. Arie thanks her for sparing him the embarrassment at the last ceremony. True dat. Emily cries as Arie drives off in a Suburban. Dude doesn’t even get a limo. Sad.
Jef gets to meet the official Bachelor jeweler, Neil Lane (who’s on the show about as much as Chris Harrison), and his limited options. I’m assuming the rings that he brings are all pre-approved by Emily. We have to listen to both Emily and Jef summarize their feelings. Snoozefest. Emily arrives for the final… uh, whatever it is. It’s not quite as scenic as usual, but at least Jef won’t have to walk a mile from the beach in 95% humidity, so that’s good. No one likes the insanely sweaty proposals this show usually has, although a helicopter entrance wouldn’t have killed them. Not nearly enough helicopters this season if you ask me. The budget must have been cut.
Jef shows up, pants skinny as always, and it feels like neither one of them know what’s supposed to happen. Friendship pins? Pinky swears? Engagement ring? Emily says her bit. Jef talks. And talks. And talks. And then proposes. TOO SOON. Emily stands there a really long time and then says “yes.” They pipe in the applause from the live studio audience and it’s really awkward. It sounds like a crowd is watching in Curaçao.
Oh God. They’re playing “Glory of Love” from Karate Kid Part II over a Jef/Emily clip package. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re not allowed to play this song unless you also include a clip package set to Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best.”
Ricki runs out (not dressed for the occasion AT ALL, ugh, kids) and the three walk toward the camera aaaaand… end. I look forward to People Magazine’s coverage of the end of this relationship.
Alright, well, I’d cover the after show but it was awful and boring and I don’t even feel like writing about how they spent 30 minutes talking about Arie’s journal or re-showing Jef’s entire finale speech which aired not 45 minutes earlier. So that’s that. I guess I’ll see you next season? And maybe I’ll update my site in the meantime and maybe you can come check out those posts too. Maybe. As usual, share, comment, like. Oh, and Japan was AWESOME. Thanks for not asking, JERKS.