Hey gang. I’m going to try and tighten it up a bit this week. Half because these things are too damn long already and half because I’m about to fall asleep. This week brings us the hometown dates with the remaining 4 bros.
Up first is Roberto in Tampa, Florida. Roberto’s somewhere in between really nice and totally uninteresting. I can’t even find stuff to make fun or screencap. He takes Ali to University of Tampa’s baseball field. They hit the ball around. He gives her his baseball card which I swear is from 1976 or something (how old is this guy?).
Hopefully his parents will be fucking nuts or something. Roberto does seem strangely nervous…
Nope. Totally nice and normal. The only funny thing is Roberto’s dad says “prize” like “price” but otherwise doesn’t have too much of an accent. He tells Roberto a few times that he’s a big price. And then shows Ali all of Roberto’s prices. Roberto’s dad doesn’t like that Ali has career ambitions. Advice to women: don’t tell traditional, older, latin men that you have career ambitions. Roberto’s mom looks crazy young. I wasn’t paying total attention when Ali showed up, so I thought Roberto was talking to his sister when they showed him talking to his mom:
Things end well. They all salsa dance and then Ali starts her commitment-phobic “oh shit” stuff. Man, I’ve never seen a girl so scared of falling in love. Funny that she’s on this show.
Chris is up next in Cape Cod. They take a nice rainy walk on the beach. Chris has a cool dog (female black lab). So even though he’s more boring than Roberto, he’s not bad. These guys all seem like pretty decent guys. Except Frank. Fuckingfrank. You insecure, living-at-home, snaggle-tooth, wannabe, prick. But I digress. We’re still on Chris’s date and Ali’s devouring the family’s shrine to his mom. Ali’s like, “OMG! I have an entire house dedicated to my dead grandma!” If you didn’t watch The Bachelor then you really missed out.
Chris’s family shows up they’re all super nice too. Man. These families are great for Ali but horrible for the blogging game. He’s super pumped to see them because it’s been a while. I wish they were more transparent about the shooting schedule. Has Chris not been home since the show started filming? When was that? Ali says Chris gave her the bracelet 2 days ago. So I’m assuming this happened before Roberto’s date. Or was that just one day? Do they go that fast? That’s crazy. Look, I’m not even talking about the show because NOTHING funny is happening. What the fuck man? Ali, date some fucking loons. Where’s Weatherboy? Where’s Huge Dome Craig? Where’s Rated R? This sucks. In any event, Chris’s family members all love Ali and Ali loves them.
Is it weird that Chris has a random tower in his driveway? Can someone from New England explain this to me?
Off to Green Bay so Ali can meet Kirk’s Cheese Head family. Kirk tells us that his parents are split so they’ll be going to two houses. So, either double the boredom or double the crazy. Kirk’s dad and his wife have an adopted daughter. I’m getting a pretty big creep vibe from this family. They have MULTIPLE cabinets of tacky collectibles. I’m thinking they’re big QVC fans. We’re with Kirk’s family for no more than 10 seconds when he asks Ali if she wants to see “his” basement and the wife shoots this look:
And Kirk’s like “oh fuck, not again” but then lets Ali go alone. Kirk’s dad is a taxidermist (the first thing I’d ask a taxidermist- “Ever stuff a human?!”). He has hundreds, if not thousands, of stuffed, dead animals in his basement. This is definitely horror movie territory.
Best line of the night so far: “Kirk’s dad has a freezer in his basement, where he keeps frozen dead animals as well as their frozen snacks, like popsicles and other frozen treats.” Gross man. Ali sits in the basement and talks with Kirk’s dad and the talk isn’t that weird but those kooky Bachelorette editors keep cutting in shots of dead animals.
After talking to Ali, creepy dad tells Kirk to just be logical and weigh the pros and cons of the whole situation before getting engaged. Sensible since you’re on The Bachelorette, a show that’s designed to distract you from what being in a real relationship is like.
Next they go off to meet Kirk’s mom. She has braces. Is that weird? Who gets braces at 60? I’m trying really hard not to make fun of how tacky these people are. Kirk’s mom looks like Miracle Max’s wife from Princess Bride.
Time for Fuckingfrank’s hometown, Chicago. He’s wearing the douche-tastic wide-neck T (like REALLY wide-neck) and cardigan combo that he thinks works for him.
I still have no idea what Ali sees in him. She sounds almost delusional when she talks about him. The only thing that makes them a good match is how psychotically afraid of commitment they both are. They hit up Frank’s house and Frank’s really glad to see his parents. Where has he been staying? The producers haven’t let him go home? That sucks. He lives in the basement. Frank’s family is pretty cool. Seems like they end on a decent note aside from what all the lying teasers have told us.
Back in Los Angeles, Ali sits down with The Harrison and they basically just recap the episode. Harrison still carries the stench of the Jake/Vienna interview. This talk is boring and unenlightening. Let’s get on with the roses so Ali can send Kirk home and we can move on to next week’s super nice trip. Time for Ali to cry through the rose ceremony.
Chris. Yawn. At least he dressed like an adult this week.
Sorry Kirk. Your family was a little too… blue collar? Is that putting it politely? Ali takes Kirk outside and she cries a bunch when Kirk’s the one that just got dumped. It’s for the best. If they had kids they’d probably end up with little mold babies.
They already showed all three of these guys in Tahiti in previews like 3 weeks ago, so it’s all been unsurprising. Thanks producers! They also tease that Fuckingfrank is going to dump Ali in Tahiti (just like they teased Frank having a meltdown in Chicago this week) so you know that’s a bunch of bullshit as well. I can’t believe I get mad at this show. I can’t even believe I watch it. Well, ’til next time!