So… close… to… the end… WHEW. Only like, 2 more 16 hour episodes and a stupid recap episode in between. Oh and a reunion show. Jesus. Nevermind what I said about being close to the end. Anyway, this week at least they’re going to Tahiti, which should provide for some nice scenery.
The episode opens with a little piece on each guy. I can sum up Roberto and Chris’s really fast. I’m falling in love but I’m afraid that she might not pick me. There. Was that so hard ABC? You spent 5 minutes on it. Frank, on the other hand, is a bizarre freak who’s so fucking full of himself that he has to internalize and build up everything. He tells us that he has an ex that Ali doesn’t know about and he’s still in love with her (well, maybe). In order to deal with this he packs really slowly and sits on his bed and contemplates as hard as possible.
He tells us that before he goes to Tahiti he needs to go to Chicago to see if he still loves his girlfriend. And he needs to bring the Bachelorette cameras. What a stand up guy. I kind of hope he decides he loves his ex but she dumps him so he goes for Ali anyway. That would be such a nice “fuck you” to this show.
For some reason Fuckingfrank’s ex, Nicole, is staying in a hotel. The producers love putting people up in hotels. Remember when Ali was thinking about changing her mind about Jake and they put her up in a hotel just to film her phone call? Frank starts by telling his ex how he’s been fighting other guys for Ali and that Ali knows nothing about her and that him and Ali really hit off immediately. So romantic. He takes like 30 second pauses in between sentences. Nicole says that she’s been thinking about him non-stop since he left. Sounds like Captain Asshole dumped this girl to go on the show. Then she begs for him to come back because she doesn’t feel complete without him. Sounds like she’s as big a hack writer as he is. Anyway, he smiles his stupid retard smile and then hugs her and kisses her. Hey. Frank. You fucking worthless, live-at-home hack, you just wasted everyone’s time. You give people with Down’s Syndrome a bad name. He says he has to go to Tahiti to get a free trip come clean with Ali.
We then cut to Ali, who’s hips are looking a tad more… robust. She all’s happy and shit. Awwww. Well it’ll be funny when Frank breaks her heart and totally ruins Roberto and Chris’s dates. Oh this is where they’re staying:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: anyone could fall in love with anyone in a place like this with all expenses paid. Put them in a shitty studio apartment in Pittsburgh with no money and let’s see what happens. Roberto’s up first. They take a helicopter ride (at this point Ali could fly one herself) and this all starts to feel SO FUCKING FAMILIAR. Yes, it’s amazing here. Yes, you’re sharing it with someone really special. Yes, you can’t believe this. Every. Fucking. Episode. Roberto thinks this is a heart shape:
They walk to the beach and Roberto keeps whispering about how amazing it is. Roberto, why are you whispering? He picks up Ali and immediately starts grunting as he carries her to the water. Methinks Ali has been taking advantage of the continental breakfasts.
They molest each other in the water as Ali’s voiceover tells us how amazing a life with Roberto would be. Oh. Easy choice then. I feel like a big “but” is coming up later. Of course, with Ali there’s always a big butt coming up later. BOOM! You see what I did there?
That night Ali and Roberto go to their nice little dinner where Roberto takes a really long time to tell Ali that he’s falling in love with her. Even though he’s dating down. They get a card from “Chris Harrison” (really the producers) that says they can forgo their individual bungalows to stay in a “fantasy suite”. Sounds tacky. It’s weird that they’re sexist enough to have The Bachelor invite the girl but on The Bachelorette they let the couple decide together. Like it would make Ali less chaste if she invited him to stay with her. Welcome to 2010, Bachelorette producers. Women can totally be slutty. By the way, I’m 99% sure the fantasy suite is exactly the same as the regular rooms they had (which is to say, still amazing). They then ruin her purity by showing her stripping off Roberto’s clothing. If this bungalow is a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’!
Time for Chris’s date. They have a big-ass catamaran to take them around this steaming shit pile of an island. They talk about his family. For the 500th time. Enough about his fucking family. They get close to their island but she says they have to swim to it. Please let one of them drown. Throw to Chris Harrison and a somber speech about life and death and the importance of learning to swim. No? They make it? OK.
They find some helpless oysters and violently rip them in half. Did a fucking mollusk kill Chris’s mom or what? Jesus guys. Tread lightly through nature. Chris picks up an oyster and finds a pearl. So then Ali rips open an oyster and finds another one. And then they just go on a tear and murder every shellfish in the lagoon. Fucking greedy bastards. Are they trying to make a necklace? [gratuitous pearl necklace joke removed]
They go to dinner at a little island that you need to wade through the water to. Tahiti is in dire need of infrastructure. You have to wade or swim EVERYWHERE. Bridges and docks, guys. Not that hard. Some locals left them a feast cooking in the ground under banana leaves. And delicious frosty tropical drinks in hurricane glasses. I’m a sucker for native libations. Oh weird, another invite to go have sex. Ali’s like, “Oh cooool! I totally used the one with Roberto last night!” Oh what’s this? Another card. It’s from Roberto:
Aw, that’s sweet: Ali acts like she’s never been in this suite before. “Hey Ali! This is SO funny, there’s a used condom stuck to the ceiling fan! And another one in the bathtub! And another one on the fish tank! …And another one… stuck to your arm… HEY WAIT A MINUTE!”
Oh good, it’s Fuckingfrank time. He sure packed a lot of shit to just show up and dump Ali and fly back. He packs like a chick, like 12 different outfits for one day, just in case.
He sits down with The Harrison to get his advice. He says he thought he’d see Nicole and realize he wanted to be with Ali. So basically he wanted to see Nicole and be like, “Hi honey! Just wanted to check and make sure I’m not into you. Yep. Not into you. I’m going to go bang Ali in Tahiti. Later.”
Fuckingfrank is a dick. I would like to point out that I’ve hated him from the very start and nicknamed him Fuckingfrank before I even knew how much of a Fuckingfrank he was. Harrison is like, “Oh, wow, I’m totally surprised because I haven’t talked to the cameramen or segment producers or anyone in the last week. This is so weird.” I wish he would just blow up at Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank and tell him to get off his show. “YOU CAN’T TALK TO ALI! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GOD DAMN IT! THIS IS MY BUSINESS! YOU COME INTO MY BUSINESS AND YOU FUCK MY SHIT UP. YOU HAVE FUCKED MY SHIT UP, FRANK! I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE. YOU CAN FLY COACH, ASSHOLE.” I’d tell you about the rest of their 10 minute conversation but I was too bored and decided to write an email about Inception instead. Apologies.
Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank goes to meet up with Ali and they show us how happy Ali is right before meeting up with him. It’s so wrong that I’m enjoying this moment. For the first time in history Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank isn’t fist-pumping and hooting and hollering like an idiot so Ali knows something’s wrong. “Ali, I’m gay.” Just say it Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank. He’s quiet for a good 30 seconds because he wants to really underline how important he is. Ali’s crying already. He gives her the speech he’s already given Nicole, us, and Chris Harrison. It’s kind of old. Ali’s so upset she pulls the flower out of her hair and throws it on the ground. I know, right? They sit in teary silence (well aside from Ali’s snotty sniffling) for a good long time. I’d love for Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank to be like, “so… want to go snorkeling?”
Is this the wrong time to remind Ali that she totally walked out on Jake and then ask her how it feels? At least Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank has a better reason than a job that he’ll just quit in 6 months anyway. Karma is a bitch. Oh what? She hugs him goodbye. Dudette, slap him. Have some pride.
Oh GOD. Back from commercial and it’s MORE Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank. Haven’t we wasted enough time with him? Why’s he so upset? He has a girlfriend. Chris Harrison sits on the beach with Ali and they totally have matching shirts. How embarrassing. Fuckingassholeshitbagfrank is like, “I feel like I really hurt Ali. But mostly I just feel like I over-packed. Probably didn’t need the snow suit.”
They end this segment with 45 minutes of this:
Ali says her biggest fear was Frank leaving. Really? Not bearsharktopus? She sits down with The Harrison. He’s in full-on concerned mode. Can we stop talking about this now? He had a snaggle tooth and lived at home with his parents for Christ’s sake. Chris Harrison goes, “2 guys, there’s only 2 roses to hand out, while I think it’s obvious what’s going to happen, I think it’s important we have a rose ceremony tonight.” No it’s not. Let’s just end the episode. I can do my photoshopping and go to sleep.
Rose Ceremony. Who’s it going to be? I hope Harrison comes out after the first rose to go, “Guys, this is the last rose. Ali?”
Chris L. WHAAAAT? crazy.
Roberto. OH MY GOD!
What controversial choices.
Ali says that they’re on their way to Bora Bora to chill with her family. Do you think they’ll bring her grandma’s ashes?
Next week is the reunion show. I may or may not do a post on it. Tune in next week to find out!