It’s time for the home stretch y’all. Uneventful tropical vacation episode this week (in awesome Fiji—anyone want to take me?), followed up by the even less eventful final episode next week. If the teasers for this week aren’t total red herrings then, well, they’ve totally ruined the episode.
After a 10 minute recap Ashley gets ready for her first date. Knock on the door, must be Ben right? Nope. It’s Gay Ryan. Why is Ryan there? No idea. This f**king show has no rules. It is total anarchy. You can’t just let dudes come back willy nilly. Maybe every guy should come back. Just roll in and be like, “Hey maybe you made a mistake. No? Cool. Ok, later.” Also look at how weird he Ryan looks walking up:
It’s like dead man walking. The slow plodding steps, the stern gaze. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve never seen him not smiling before. Except for when he was crying, though he did kind of hide in the bushes.
Anyway, he tells Ashley that she should think about how it ended and reconsider and he’ll hang out around the resort like a creepy stalker if she has a change of heart. Which seems unlikely.
Ashley goes out with Ben. They take a nice little cruise to the reefs to snorkel. It’s a super boring date, but they get along really well.
Really well. Save it for the fantasy suite, guys. Amirite?
Ben says that he thinks Ashley is hilarious, which is odd. I guess she’s hilarious in the same way that Bentley is hilarious, which is to say not at all. Also, Ben talks strangely. Like kind of clipped, monotone, not a lot of contractions. His big pronouncement for the night is to tell Ashley that he’s “on [his] way to the, you know, the whole ‘I love you’ thing?” Note that it wasn’t a question, he just talks that way.
This leads to a kiss, from which Ashley pulls back, looks at him, and goes “So good.” And then kisses some more. So awkward.
Ashley then lays the Hump Card (HC) on him and he accepts because he has a penis. Ashley has the pre-sex dopey eyes, the kind of dull sheen and dead smile you only get after 3 strawberry daiquiris. They head to the room, take a dip in the personal pool, and Ben carries Ashley out of the water and into commercial break.
The next day brings us Ashley’s date with Constantine. They walk around a bend and there’s a helicopter. Constantine freaks out. Ashley goes, “YOU’VE NEVER BEEN ON A HELICOPTER?!” Which is shocking to her because he’s been on The Bachelorette for almost a full season and should have been on 4 or 5 helicopter rides by now.
As they fly over the water Ashley tells us that she couldn’t picture a more perfect date. Aside from the other 10 times she’s said that.
They take a break from the date just to show us Gay Ryan hanging out by himself and saying some pathetic stuff about it having been a couple days and he’s sure he and Ashley have a connection (they don’t).
Off the helicopter and into a waterfall. Ashley says she hopes that he’s falling for her and ready for a committed relationship, because her life won’t be complete until she can crush someone the way she herself was crushed on The Bachelor.
That being said, the dinner conversation is all about how Constantine just needs more time and after a lot of back and forth, Constantine quits and takes off. Just like that. No rules. No Rose Ceremony. Chaos.
Jeopardy – Bachelorette Edition
Contestant 1: I’ll take MIND YOUR Ps AND Qs for $200, Alex.
(Obnoxious sound effect)
Alex Trebek: You’ve just hit our first Daily Double, how much would you like to wager?
Contestant 1: Actually Alex, I think I’m ready to just move right into Final Jeopardy.
Alex Trebek: Wow, ok, Final Jeopardy it is. The category is KINGS AND QUEENS.
(Man walks in from off-stage)
Contestant from previous day: Hey Alex. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really don’t feel like I played my best yesterday, so I’m back to play again.
Alex Trebek: Amazing. Welcome back.
The next day, Gay Ryan gets dumped again. That’s pretty much all I have to say about that. Pathetic.
Ok, third dat. And by “dat” I mean “date”. (Hello bourbon.) They’ve already shown clips of Ashley walking out after JP Gordon-Levitt reacts poorly to her news that Ryan came back. So we’ll see how full of shit they are.
JP (which I have just learned is NOT short for Jurassic Park—sad face) shows up and they hop onto a sea plane. Ashley talks about how amazing the view is and how you can see down through the water. SO different than the view from a helicopter.
They hang out on the beach talking cute and all I can think is, “If I had to name the color of Ashley’s teeth it would be ‘nuclear white.'” They’re almost offensively white. Dental school must be a lot of just sitting around bleaching your teeth for practice.
That night Ashley fills JP in on how Constantine left and Ryan came back. He’s fine with it and just happy that it wasn’t Bentley that came back (feelin’ you JP). So, the commercials were bullshit. Bullshit man. I hate this show. Ashley waves her p-flag (eyes not as sleepy though—JP needs to work on his liquor game) and drops the HC on JP. He’s already rocking a semi-chub so it’s on like Donkey Kong (and by “Donkey Kong” I mean “spending all your quarters on mindless repetition followed by an absurd amount of frustration and let-down”).
JP tells us that he’s in love with Ashley but just not quite ready to tell her yet. Awwww. I hope he gets crushed and ends up the next Bachelor.
The next rainy day (which looks awesome) is the Rose Ceremony. Which is pointless since there’s two guys left. As she sits down with Chris Harrison, I notice that someone in production is a Demolition Man fan:
Ashley says the point of the Rose Ceremony is that the guys need to choose her. Which is a no-brainer. We all know the real point is the fill the last 15 minutes of the show and work in another couple commercial break.
They toast to their eventual three-way and the episode ends.
Well, almost. I’m going to comment briefly on the bonus/credits scene. I usually avoid this because it means not only having to watch an extra 30 seconds of this awful show, but also having to write another 20 words or so, which by the time I’m done is like pulling teeth.
But tonight they show Ashley and Ben on their date and I realize that Ben looks weird.
Is it the way the side of his head seems to be oddly shaved? No. It’s the fact that he’s laughing. Like a full-on laugh. Why is that weird? Surely I must have seen him laughing before, right? Thinking… thinking… nope. This show is so afraid of not taking itself seriously that they not only cut out anything that doesn’t pertain to Ashley’s decision (misleading or no), they also cut out every single moment of levity. No wonder we hate everyone on this show. No wonder everyone seems boring and fake. If you edited me down to the times when I’m not laughing, you would have the surliest, angriest, asshole around. Which is how I am anyway, so not a good example, but you get my point. Anyway, just thought that was interesting.
Next Sunday is the reunion “men tell all” episode that I’m sure will have about 2 minutes of interesting stuff, so I’m skipping writing about it and then next Monday is the finale AKA my favorite day of the year because it means I get to take a break from writing about this dreck. See you then. BOOM.