Ah, finally. The last real episode of this horrible season. After this episode we just have to endure the second reunion show (seriously, how ballsy are these guys having two reunion shows in 2 weeks?) and then we can concentrate on Bachelor Pad, which will be like a communicable disease expo. I have to say, I’m fairly curious as to how this will all end. Frank totally destroyed Ali last episode by dumping her at the last minute (the rumor is that producers talked him into delaying his leave and that he was considering it as far back as New York). I feel like Ali’s choosing between two also-rans and wouldn’t be surprised if she picked no one. She can do that, right? Anyway, on with the show.
Ali’s in Bora Bora. It’s stunning. Check it:
The water in Bora Bora is like a special effect. Anyway, we have to suffer through 5 minutes of Ali narrating the entire season. This is after the 2 minute recap at the start of the show and the 3 minute preview of the coming episode. We come back to Ali standing on the beach whining about how she’s still scared about giving her heart away. Get over it. Christ. It’s just a stupid reality show engagement. Time for the guys to meet Ali’s family.
Roberto’s up first. Ali’s family consists of her mom, dad, brother, and sister. They seem pretty chill. Her mom seems cool. The dad’s a little, uh, stoic. Her sister says “Roberto” like a newscaster. “Ro-bare-to” with a bit of a roll on the “r.” How Latina of her. She pulls Roberto outside with her brother to grill him or whatever. They don’t even get to ask him anything before he just goes into the Official Bachelorette Contestant SpeechTM. Wasn’t sure, then I saw her, then I knew, blah blah blah. Roberto +1. Then he sits with her mom and she’s already in love with Roberto as well. She even had some Spanish ready to drop on him:
Roberto’s on a roll going into the meeting with the dad. Her dad asks Roberto how he feels about Ali and he pretty much just rolls out the Official Bachelorette Contestant SpeechTM again. I like how the dads on these shows act like they have any say over what happens. Clearly the Bachelorettes have whittled down all these dudes to just two, so it’s like, do you trust your daughter or not? He gives his blessing to let Ali let him propose or however the hell this works. Then the whole family Salsa dances. Poorly. And now I really want some chips and salsa. Damn it.
Roberto and Ali make out and you can hear Ali thinking about how well Frank and her family would have gotten along. Epic Bachelorette Fail.
Time for Chris. They all get absurdly excited to hear that Chris is from Massachusetts. I can’t help but think that Ali ended up with two good-looking, nice, totally boring guys. Chris scores more points when he reveals he was a math teacher before his mom got sick (her sister and dad are both teachers). They like him so much that Ali’s dad proposes a toast. Did he do that for Roberto and they just edited it out? Chris says that his dad was from Montreal and Ali’s dad is like, “I’m from Montreal!” Jesus. He is killing it. Ali’s mom asks Chris about his mom and he scores even more points talking about her. Ali’s siblings talk to Chris. Her mom talks to Chris. Ali talks to her mom about Chris. And Ali’s dad talks to Chris (he’s way nicer to Chris than Roberto). I’d go into it more but it’s pretty much the same as what happened with Roberto, plus the dead mom stuff (oh God, I went there).
This episode is so boring there isn’t even stuff to screencap or make fun of. The whole family gets together on the pier and I really want this to happen:
The next day Ali spends time with Roberto. I’m not sure why. I guess so they can get in some more commercials. They ride a jet ski around until they just “happen” upon a group of stingrays so they hop out to play with them (Crocodile Hunter, anyone?). Roberto says he’s worried about making sure Ali’s safe and then immediately tells her she has to pet one. I hate how they act like these things just happen when they’re clearly planned. Like, what, Roberto just had some bait in his board shorts?
After feeding the stingrays, Roberto takes Ali to a private beach to feed her (might want to switch to salads, just saying). It starts raining while they’re on the beach and Roberto’s like, “it felt like we were totally alone.” Yeah, except for the 2 sound guys, the 3 cameramen, the location producer, and the 4 production assistants in charge of constantly supplying Ali with cheesecake and Kleenex.
That night it’s time for Roberto and Ali’s final time together. Ali wants Roberto to show some emotional depth, but I don’t think he’s really capable of it. I don’t mean with Ali, I mean ever. But it’s OK because Ali thinks he’s the hottest dude on the planet. Roberto gives Ali a framed picture with a note on the back. She looks at it, then flashes this idiotic look at Roberto and points at it which he correctly interprets as her needing him to read it to her given her lack of literacy.
They lay in the bed and Roberto tells Ali that he loves her and she’s like, “OMG!!! UR SO HOT!” In her interview she says she loves him, but I don’t think they show her telling him that. They should make Chris pick Ali up at Roberto’s bungalow the next morning. “Oh, weren’t you wearing that dress yesterday? Is that a condom stuck to your head?”
Chris tells us again that he’s excited to propose to Ali and that he learned a lot watching his mom and dad. Yeah dude. We get it. Ali comes into Chris’s room and she’s acting all weird. I now notice that there’s not a lot of time left in this episode. Certainly not enough for a 15 minute segment like Roberto got PLUS a rose ceremony. Uh oh. Ali’s like, “My family thinks you’re SO amazing and I kind of do too, but Roberto’s like, an 11, dude. I have to let you go here.” Chris is like, “Uh, but uh, I was uh, going to propose…” Sucks. Poor dude. I feel way worse for him than Eightley last season.
I like that Ali dumped him before the rose ceremony. On a very classless TV show it seems like a classy act. And then you don’t ruin that final moment with someone crying like a total bitch. Chris is probably like, “Can I have my bracelet back so I can give it to someone I don’t meet on a tacky reality show?” They hug. Chris thanks her for totally ruining his life. Ali, his mom is barely cold in the ground and you do this to him? GEEEEEZ. I wish Chris would be like, “By the way, Roberto’s totally out of your league. K, bye.”
Chris sees a rainbow and starts crying. You know what time it is.
If you have to get dumped there are worse ways to go out than into this sunset.
Time for Ali to get proposed to by Roberto before she puts on another 15 pounds. They play romantic music and Ali narrates how perfect it all is but it’s too soon. Chris just died, man. Have some respect. Roberto meets with the jeweler to pick out a ring. Do they use the same jeweler each season? I wish the guy would handcuff his briefcase of rings to his wrist.
Roberto makes his choice and him and Ali get dressed. He gets picked up in this luxurious craft:
Chris (Harrison, not the dumped loser) walks Roberto to the stairway that leads up to Ali. We’re treated to the 87th voice over of the night saying the same fucking thing. Yes, it was a journey. Yes, you’re in love. I don’t need to hear every single person on the show say it. Again and again and again. Roberto gives a speech, and it sounds a lot like what he said to her siblings, and what he said to her mom, and what he said to her dad. They giggle a bunch. Roberto’s upper lip is POURING sweat. He gets down on one knee and proposes. Ali accepts. The music swells. I check my watch and wonder what kind of bagel I’ll have tomorrow morning. They show a montage of the two of them over their lengthy 3-week courtship while they play, and I shit you not, “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” from the Lion King. ABC/Disney execs high five each other over the corporate synergy. They’re lucky the couple that had the Lion King Broadway experience ended up together. If Chris had won they would have been fucked.
Well that’s it for the show proper. Here are some thoughts on After the Final Douche:
That’s it everyone! Thanks for reading all season. I may or may not be back for The Bachelor Pad. I think it depends on how horrible it is. Check in next Tuesday to find out!!!