Hey gang! It’s time for the latest episode of The Bachelorette. I’m still bummed about last week’s ejection of Jerkstore Craig, but hopefully we have enough bumbling idiots left that it’ll still be interesting. On with the show!
The Harrison shows up and let’s us know the deal for the week. One group date, two indies, and if you don’t get a date, you’re probably fucked.
The first individual date is for odds-on favorite Roberto. The guy I thought might be gay says he hasn’t has a date with Ali yet and that she probably doesn’t even remember his name. I take this opportunity to make a mental note of his name. And then forget. If he ever gets a date I’ll be sure to write it down. Maybe.
Anyway, a helicopter shows up to pick up Roberto and Ali and of course Ali gets nervous flying. AGAIN. Thank GOD she has Roberto there to protect her from being totally safe. It lands on a high rise downtown (the dates on this show are apparently based on my bucket list) and Ali tells Roberto that their dinner is on the rooftop of the NEXT high rise over (shitty pilot). Thank God they have high-wires set up spanning the two buildings. Ali says if he wants to eat he’ll have to make it over on the high-wire. What a dick move. Never mind what I said about awesome dates. I’d just hand in my balls and quietly quit the show in shame.
Roberto decides to go for his first kiss halfway across and I almost puke as they start losing their balance. After the kiss Ali kind of falls off and you see that they’re mostly just hanging from the chains on the safety line and not relying too much on balance. Still, I would totally yack all over the place if I even looked over the edge, so props to both of them. How can Ali be afraid to ride in a plane but she can do this? I guarantee your odds of dying on a high wire are better than your odds of dying in a plane crash. It’s math, Ali!
They make it across and while watching the sunset Roberto goes, “I can say this- I really hope to watch a lot more of these with you.” Game. Set. Match. Roberto.
Back at the house we get the lineup for the group date: Guy I’ve ever seen before. Guy I thought was gay, who’s name is apparently John. Another guy I’ve never seen before. Fuckingfrank, who does his annoying ass fist pump (God I hate him). Weatherboy. Craig with the huge dome. Rated R. Michael Phelps. Cap Cod Chris.
Kasey says he thinks they’re going to Karaoke and then he says, and I’m not kidding (this is the guy I’ve been making fun of the last two episodes for his weird-ass voice) “I would love to go and sing and show Ali my voice a little bit.” Rewind. Confirm. Yep, he just said that. Dude, I would LOVE to hear you sing too. It would sound like this:
Weird Voice Kasey Sings
Back of the roof of the sky rise we see that Roberto and Ali have changed, which kind of negates the necessity of their high-wire adventure. I guess the building has an elevator or stairs or something. Hm. Weird. Roberto tells Ali that his first language was Spanish and she goes, “REALLY?!” Uh, he’s good at baseball, his name is Roberto, and he has more hair on his brow than I have on my entire body. How are you surprised by this? Roberto says he took French in high school, so props on not taking the easy A in Spanish.
Ali says that Roberto is so “beautiful” that she wonders if she’s even good-looking enough for him. “Not many guys make me feel that way!” Ego. They put some blankets down on the helipad so they can do some cuddling. It would be romantic if it weren’t for all the bright-ass stage lighting. Ali has this weird nervous giggle going on that’s different than her usual annoying giggle. Just end the show now. Homeboy has this locked up.
The promo for the upcoming segment goes from happy-go-lucky music video montage into “serious” music as Ali slaps Fuckingfrank. I HATE it when they totally mislead you with these things. It’s obviously just part of the scene for their shitty music video.
Anyway, back to the present. The big-ass limo drives the guys into the shit hole district known as Vernon. Which is pretty much just pure industry and corruption. One of the guys says it looks like they’re about to drive into a gang war, but I don’t think anyone cares enough about Vernon to set up shop. Look, it’s so safe they’re filming the Bachelorette there. Anyway, they walk over and it’s a video shoot for the Barenaked Ladies. Oh no, awkward white guy dancing is bound to ensue (spoiler: it does. I did my best to capture this moment here. Watch that a few times and watch a different guy each time. So awkward).
Ali tells the group that not only are they going to be filming a music video, they’re going to be IN it! They still make music videos? Fuckingfrank runs, jumps, and does a fist pump in mid-air. I hate him so much. Dumb Craig says that he never in a million years would’ve thought he’d be in a music video. Really? Small bands make music videos. They film music videos at concerts. Thousands of people are in them. If you told me I would one day be in a music video, “I’d be like, well, yeah. It’s kind of inevitable isn’t it?” Craig then says that all of his friends are going to be so jealous that he got this opportunity. Wait, they’re going to be jealous that you’re going to be in a music video that MIGHT get a couple hundred thousand views on Youtube but NOT that you’re on ABC’s summer tent pole program viewed by MILLIONS of women? Hm.
Ed (lead singer of BNL) tells them that the song is “You Run Away” and then kind of half-truths it for the sake of the show and says “it’s about getting someone to choose you. I don’t know if you can relate…” The song’s ACTUALLY about the other lead singer leaving the band.
Fuckingfrank thinks the lyrics are really great because “it’s the situation we’re all dealing with with Ali.” What, she’s leaving your band after 22 years together? Shut up, Frank. If someone ever writes a song about 20 retards competing over one girl on a crappy reality show I’ll fucking call you. Hold your breath.
Everyone (well, not the band who have fulfilled their contractual obligation) heads over to a ghetto film set and gets their “script.” Weatherboy gets his scene and we find out there’s some smoochin’ on tap. He plays it cool like he doesn’t really care and Craig says he’s jealous. Whatever, it’s a scripted kiss with a bunch of mouth-breathing crew members sitting around waiting for lunch and this stupid ass fake video shoot to be finished. They edit it to make Weatherboy look nervous. I doubt it. He’s a local TV star. He’s mastered the green screen forecast! Turns out he actually was nervous. Never kissed a girl maybe?
There’s a commercial for Wipe Out. How about some network synergy? Let’s put all the guys on the show through the Wipe Out obstacle course? THAT would be a good episode.
Fuckingfrank says he’s first and he hopes he will ALWAYS be first with Ali. I wish he’d been the first kicked out.
Their scene is Fuckingfrank rubbing suntan lotion on Ali’s back and I swear we almost see his balls at one point:
She turns and slaps him and they murder the take by both laughing like Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon on SNL. Professional. The crew members must HATE this. They do 9 takes before the crew just quits on getting any usable footage. At least FF got slapped 9 times. The other guys enjoy this. And by “other guys” I mean everyone in the world except DumbFuckingFrank. Cape Cod goes for a high five with Ali and suffers an epic fail. Check it out.
John C (the guy who’s name I can’t remember) gets totally screwed in his scene (purely figuratively). Haha. I bet he was like, “Hey alright! Bath tub scene!” but the whole thing is him getting in the tub and her getting out in disgust when she sees his package. The look on his face at the end is priceless:
Weatherboy says he doesn’t want this kiss to be a stage kiss. He wants it to feel real. Well dude, it IS a stage kiss, so don’t make it awkward for everyone by getting all rapey halfway through your scene. He makes it even more awkward by whispering in her ear that if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. His confidence is intoxicating. In her interview, Ali’s like, “I don’t even know if I WANT to kiss him.” Yeah, no shit. He’s a 12 year-old weatherman. On a reality show. He’s a joke of a joke. They finally kiss and it’s every bit as forced and horrible I would have hoped. Everyone’s laughing at him. And then he starts crying. I love this show.
Because everyone’s laughing at him and because he’s pathetic, on the last take Ali says she “pulled him in and gave him a really good passionate kiss” and it’s pretty much as bad as the first one. Weatherboy disagrees and goes, “When we finally kissed it uh, it was like a rocketship, it just blew up emotionally.” Dude, if your rocketship blows up, that’s not a good thing. Although, to be fair, I guess if your rocketship blows up emotionally you might be OK.
Fuckingfrank is narrating a montage of the other scenes by saying how much kissing there is and how jealous he is, but none of them are even fake mouth kisses like Weatherboy’s but then he reassures himself that his kiss was real. Get over it, asshat.
Kirk and Ali’s scene is them in bed with Ali in lingerie and they go for it. All the guys leave the room in disgust. Good for Kirk, whom I have never seen before now. Director goes, “Cut!” They continue making out. Then AGAIN he goes, “CUT!” They continue making out. Fuckingfrank almost cries. YES. My joy at seeing Frank crushed isn’t dampered at all by the fact that the director yelling “cut” was almost certainly edited in after the fact.
They go to a rooftop (of course) wrap-party later that night and pop some Coors Lights. Ali pulls Cape Cod landscaper Chris aside for a little chat about his tattoo. It’s his recently passed mother’s signature. Which isn’t a bad tattoo and probably awesome for scoring chicks. Unfortunately it looks like he had his mom sign his chest.
Weatherboy comes over to cock block Chris. And then has another award-winning awkward moment. He leans in and whispers to Ali, “You wanna go somewhere and have a real first kiss?” And before she can vomit, pituitary-gland-case Craig comes in and rescues her. That might earn him a rose. Weatherboy tells us that he was “annoyed” when Craig came in, completely missing the irony of him having just thrown a vicious C block just moments before. Craig’s time with Ali is completely edited out. Sorry Craig.
Ali comes out of nowhere in a bikini to do some hot tubbing with dry humper Kirk. They make out, because when you’re in a hot tub in a reality show in the state of California, you are legally obligated to make out. Fuckingfrank is fuckingfalling apart. Everyone jumps in the pool to have an awesome time except Rated R who has to just sit on the side with his gimp leg. Ali debuts the music video for them. You know when editing can be done in a couple hours that you’re going to get a quality product. The video looks every bit the shoddy product we’ve come to expect from the Bachelor A/V club. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being “shitty” and 10 being “still shitty”, it’s a 0. BTW, here’s the real video if anyone cares. Note the complete lack of Bachelorette contestants. Also note that it came out before they even filmed this show.
The next day, Rated R asks the security guy where Ali lives and he crutches his way up hill to get there. Haha, they show him having the hardest time getting there too. Now something weird happens. I think they want it to look like Rated R is showing up super unexpectedly, so they actually let us “hear” the producers asking Ali questions before she’s interrupted by his arrival. But something’s off: A) Ali’s responses don’t sound like her usual monologues, and B) she’s dressed really casually and not wearing that much makeup and she’s not in a location we’ve seen her do interviews in before (the driveway is VERY conveniently in the background). I’m calling bullshit. But whatever, I guess this whole show is pretty much fabricated.
Retarded R brings some pictures to show Ali what a family man he is.
Then they snuggle a bit on the couch. But no smooching. Apparently Rated R’s move pushed Ali’s one-on-one date a bit off schedule. Sucks for Hunter. Rated R throws it in his face by going “kind of sucks it’s starting so late” and “I’d give anything to spend time with her in her house like that.” What a dick. He thinks he’s so cool.
They now show Ali in the same place she was in when Rated R showed up and she’s giving the same line about it being a make-it or break-it date for Hunter only now she mentions Rated R’s sneak attack. So fake. Oh well, I’ll let it go or else I’ll be mentioning this bullshit all the time.
I’d tell you about Hunter’s date but I nodded off. Dude is boring beyond belief.
Kirk and Rated R are sitting near the tub and Rated R is once again making snide allusions to having walked up to Ali’s house. What an asshole.
Uh oh, Hunter and Ali are in a hot tub. During the sunset. We all know what that means. And… They don’t make out! That’s a $50 fine! Hahaha, oh no Hunter. You better get your shit together or no rose for you. Hunter and Ali are by the fire with the rose, and instead of just leaving the rose on the dish, Ali picks it up and starts a speech like she’s GOING to give it to him and then tells him to hit the road. That’s kind of mean. Back at the house the unibomber collects Hunter’s bags and Rated R acts like a pompous asshole.
Time for the rose ceremony. Cape Cod Chris L and Ali talk and we learn that he placed second in a flip cup tournament in Vegas the month before. I don’t know if I’m impressed or embarrassed for him. What fraternity is he rushing?
Rated R has his Ali time and he does some pre-damage control by ONCE again talking about how the other guys don’t like him and blah blah blah.
This one dude Steve, whom we’ve only seen bitching about not having any dates with Ali, sets up a pathetic little blanket on the front driveway and then spends the next 20 minutes trying to open a champagne bottle. The ONE bottle of booze that practically opens itself.
Meanwhile all the guys get in a little group to bitch about Rated R while he eavesdrops. Earlier Ali compared the situation to Vienna and Jake. Which I hope means she realizes that Rated R is a fucking annoying, nasty, skank bitch and not that he’s going to win.
Fuckingfrank vents his insecurities to a couple of the guys. I love that he’s losing it this early. Great stuff.
Ali tells Roberto that Rated R paid her a visit and Roberto immediately tells the gang. Outraged they go to confront Rated R. “Did you go over there yesterday?” “Who told you this?” “We’re just asking.” “Oh man, why don’t you just crucify me right now?” Yes Rated R. They would like you to suffer for the sins of mankind. The guys are so mad. Mad that THEY didn’t think of it.
Craig R tells us he’s a “bullshit detector.” Rated R goes off in the dark to cry. He goes, “I didn’t tell them because I knew they’d jump all over me.” Yeah dude. Think about that for a little bit.
Craig hits us with another little witty nickname. “Tonight Rated R stands for Retired.” Sigh. He’s so bad at this.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. I bet someone will interrupt the ceremony to warn Ali about Rated R being a slime ball. Here we go! Not even the gratuitous shot of Ali looking at all the pictures of the dudes with a furrowed brow trying to make up her mind to keep asshole Rated R instead of a nice guy that hasn’t had a chance? That’s surprising. Here are her picks:
Poor little guy John C (who’s name I learned!) did not get a rose. Not surprising. The guy that couldn’t even get a bottle of champagne open also didn’t get a rose. He says he’s “shocked.” Dude, the 10 minutes you spent fumbling with a fucking bottle of champers was the only 10 minutes you even spent with Ali and you’re surprised you didn’t get a rose? Really?
They cheers to getting through another 8 hour episode. Whew.
See you next week!