The Bachelorette: Insert Bangkok Joke

The Bachelorette: Insert Bangkok Joke

6 Comments 14 June 2011

This week Ashley manages to not talk about Bentley for about 20% of the episode and takes the bros to Phuket so she can force them to do the stuff she likes in a nice, tropical (monsoon) environment. I’m just going to ruin it and say that there’s no whoring, smoking monkeys, face tattoos, jail time, or anything really interesting. Sorry. Onto the show.

First, a word about the lawlessness that is Thailand. Even Googling “Wiki Thailand” look at what you get:

It ranks prostitution above tourism. Feels more Bachelor than Bachelorette, really. What with all the whores. Zing.

When The Harrison tells them they’re going to Thailand it goes something like this:

Up first is Constantine with a one-on-one date and to me, he looks just like the bully from The Breakfast Club.

Apparently production decided to have them visit during monsoon season and they can’t go kayaking (which Ashley loves doing, of course) and instead head into to town to look at cheap shit.

Not a lot happens. Stupid Constantine tries to talk to a local, who can’t speak any English (don’t worry the producers shove a translator into frame before he has a meltdown), they walk around in the rain, they go to dinner on the beach, and because Ashley can’t seem to send anyone home unless she HAS to, she gives him a rose. Seriously, there is zero chemistry, zero physical contact, and he spends the entire date trying to reassure her that he just really wants to MAKE THE MOST OF THINGS! and HAVE FUN! and REALLY LIVE! and GET MARRIED! Ugh. Go back to detention, ass hat. Mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns.

Next up is the group date, where Ashley takes them all to a small community center and tells them that they’ll be spending the day doing volunteer work. They don’t look very enthused. Well, except Ryan.

She says they’ll be painting the entire place, inside and out, and installing soccer goals. By which she means, half-painting some walls inside, dripping paint ALL over the floors, letting one of the idiots paint a mural with his shit like some psycho, and dragging some tiny, temporary soccer goals into place. Before they can do too much damage the owners are like, “send out the kids, send out the kids, they’re f**king up the new floors!”

Also, I need to point that Ashley contributes almost nothing to the entire process.

The date ends at a bar where JP gets some good time with Ashley but she still doesn’t give him the rose. Wa waaaa. Ben F gets the rose. And kudos to him after painting that shitty mural.

The next day is a one-on-one with Ames, the dude with the bizarre Goonies face. He has a fivehead and looks like he has Hockey teeth (dentures). He’s about as interesting as dirt. Which is weird since he’s been to SEVENTY countries! What the hell? How does he have time to like, live? HE’S BEEN TO THAILAND TWICE! Ashley thinks he’s hilarious for some reason. He literally doesn’t say one funny thing the entire time. Women are so weird.

Ames DOES get a rose after Ashley tricks us all into thinking that she’s actually grown a pair.

Onto the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. One of the dudes calls out Ryan for being too happy, which is hilarious.

As the guy’s weigh in on the week they manage to throw in an extra or something. No idea who this guy is.

Ashley talks to The Harrison and of course most of the time is spent talking about Bentley. I REALLY wish he’d stayed. She does not get how not into her he was. Ashley, because she hates us, decides to ADD a rose. Are you KIDDING ME? Make some f*#%ing decisions. How unspecial does each one of these guys feel? And how sad for the ONE guy she doesn’t want around.

“I like everyone equally. Except you West. I really wanted to keep you, but the fact that you drove your wife to suicide and then sat around stoned out of your gourd while she drowned herself… well, I like bad boys, but shit.”

Next week: Bentley’s back. Yes, I said it.

Your Comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Jessipoo says:

    Love it!

  2. Liotte says:

    Love the Breakfast Club reference!!

    I don’t know if Bentley is back. It could be like, Justin Beiber or someone Ashley is obsessed with.

    On the date with Ames, all I could concentrate on was that Ashley’s hands were white from washing them after applying self tanner everywhere else. Seriously, it looked bad.

    Also, during the rose ceremony, the Harrison scared Ashley from behind and made her jump, then patted her ass on the way back out. I expect you to comment on these things!!

    • Brian says:

      Haha, I didn’t see that. I actually starting skipping through the ceremony at one point seeing as nothing (usually) ever happens. Just tons of overly long dramatic pauses, Ashley asking if they’ll accept, them always accepting, and The Harrison announcing that it’s the final rose.

  3. LameBachAddict says:

    The guy who got the rose on the group date, who painted the elephant on the wall – well, he looks like a Geico Caveman. Maybe next week you could humor me and put up a comparing photo of him and the caveman. Seriously, I think you will see the resemblance.

    I love your recaps so much, I am starting to feel a little stalkerish about it.

  4. Brian says:

    Yay! Stalker!

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