Hey gang! Apologies if this week’s recap is a bit truncated. I’m sick and just want to sleep but if Ali can make out with 3 or more guys while suffering from swine flu, then God damn it, I can recap one lousy 8-hour long episode. Not promising I can stomach Rated R’s smug face, Fuckingfrank’s overly-enthusiastic fist pumps, or Kasey’s singing, but I’ll try.
We join our boys (and I do mean boys) as they’re traveling to Iceland. I like seeing how the guys dress when they aren’t going to see Ali. Check Craig, he looks like an 11 year old:
Ali informs us that a volcano has erupted in Iceland for the first time in 200 years (wait, what? Why wasn’t this on the news?) which makes it a very exciting time to visit. Pretty sure Eyjokufuckit volcano is the ONLY thing that has EVER happened in Iceland that’s exciting. At least until Bjork’s mother ship comes back to collect her.
The Harrison tells us that things are changing a bit this week. 3 dates, yes, but instead of a second one-on-one date, there’ll be a two-on-one date (kinky), with just one rose handed out and one chump going home. As a little gift to make me feel better, the producers have decided to have a poetry competition to win the spot on the one-on-one date (Oh God. Please let Kasey sing his.) The Harrison tells them that they’ll get extra credit if they slip in an Icelandic word. I think he’s fucking with them.
Time for these guys to read their poems.
Craig: Not bad. It rhymes. It’s even a little funny. Grade: B.
Kasey: Mumbles so bad that they give him subtitles. His last word they just guessed at too. They write “heart?” but it sounds like “carrot cake.” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense. “I’m falling for you Ali, and I just want you to know/ Through the bad and the huwut (they didn’t know either), I promise you Ali, you’ll always have my carrot cake.” F. F+ for thinking it was awesome afterwards though. I’m a sucker for delusion. Side note: Kasey looked like he was in danger of freezing to death. In addition to a thick coat, he had another jacket tied around his neck and head the whole time.
Ty: Gets the Andy Kaufman award for delivering his poem as if he’s just setting us up for the poem. But he rhymes “hat” with “it” which is first grader shit (sorry first graders). I feel like they edited most out, but I give the pre-amble a solid D.
Rated R: He manages to rhyme two lines which is more than I expected. Still, F.
Roberto: Entirely in stilted, poor Icelandic. Doesn’t he know how sexy Spanish is? F.
Cape Cod: Uses “eggs and ham” in his rhyme. Plagiarist! Then fails to rhyme with his Icelandic words, which shows a lack of effort and creativity. F.
Chris N: Nervous as shit because he’s never had to talk to Ali before. He rhymes “out” with “out” like he’s P Diddy. Apparently memorized though. It’s also the most he’s ever said on this show. I like how earnestly pathetic it is (“this is just pretty much me wanting to know you/ And uh, I forgot the rest of my lines.”). C.
Kirk: Uneven cadence and form. Rhymes work well enough. He actually walks up to her and interacts which is huge. B.
Fuckingfrank: Before even starting he tells us that he’s good at writing love poems. While I am totally sure he has written love poems before, I am equally sure they are utter and complete shit. Let’s find out. Well, he rhymes pretty well. Uses Icelandic, rhymes it with a joke. Hmm. He DID steal Kirk’s staging, and at this point you all know how I feel about plagiarism. He also goes for an awkward leg cross for some reason, BUT, and I hate myself for it, B+.
Before I tell you who won, I feel like it’s only fair to write my own poem for Ali, so here it goes:
Roses are red, violets are blue.
If you thought Weatherboy was gay, you should see Kasey’s tattoo.
Ali awards the date to Kirk after narrowing it down to him and Fuckingfrank. But since Kirk hasn’t flown solo yet (and because Frank is a total tool) she picks Kirk. Good choice. They go shopping to try out some of the local styles, but they accidentally go into my grandma’s knitting closet. They get all goofy trying on ugly sweaters. Ali loves a man not afraid to laugh at himself. Isn’t that so unique? I’ve never heard that before.
They end up buying matching sweaters and then go toss bread to the birds, in other words, they proceed to destroy the local wildlife by teaching them a reliance on man that will breed in them a domesticity that will leave them defenseless in the cold wilds of the Reykjavik Flüertðrg.
They go to a cafe where Ali broaches the subject of Kirk’s dating past. Can anyone who tried to win a lifetime with Jake Pavelka on a reality show really judge someone else’s past love life? Kirk says he’s nervous to tell Ali about his history but not why. I love a good mystery. She can’t send him home over that… CAN SHE?! I don’t actually care. At this point I’m just trying to entertain myself. When fucking sweater shopping is the best part of your date, you’re in trouble. Come on producers!
Back at the house the group date invite arrives. Roberto, Cape Cod, Chris N, Craig, Ty, and Fuckingfrank (annoying celebration here). That leaves Kasey and Rated R for the two-on-one date. Hahaha. One of these two psychos is staying on the show. I love it. I hope it’s Kasey. He’s great TV.
Given the boring start to their date, I thought Kirk and Ali would like, go eat at the volcano or something. But no. They go to a place called the Lobster House. The Icelandic name: Humarhusid. I love how everything in this part of the world sounds like Ikea furniture.
Kirk wastes no time getting down do his sordid past. Are you ready for a bomb? Kirk was an All-American Track and Field athlete (1500 m), then he got short-term memory loss, severe weight-loss, body-hair-loss, partial paralysis (holy shit, I was kidding when I said he was about to drop a bomb but this is the most fascinating story anyone on the Bachelor(ette) has ever told.) He saw specialists all over the US and none of them knew what was wrong. This is like an Esquire article. It turns out it was a mold issue in his nasty-ass college house. People! Check for mold! How many times can I say that? (I know that was rhetorical, but I’m going to answer: one.)
Anyway, Ali eats the story up like chocolate-covered diet pills. So much so that she totally forgets that he didn’t talk about his relationship history AT ALL. She gives him the rose despite the fact that he talks in nonsense new-age relationship speak like, “It feels so good to be me, and to let you know who I am, and for you to accept it.” Durrrrr.
Back at the house, Kasey is freaking out over his date. Frank goes to talk to him but probably just succeeds in creeping him out with his unblinking stare (seriously, watch for it, he never blinks). Kasey rambles on about love and why he’s on the show but we all know the real reason he’s freaking out is because he has a huge fucking ugly tattoo on his wrist that he got for a girl that he has no chance with.
The next day brings us the group date on the volcano. Ali has giant frozen tears running down her cheek from the severe cold. Everyone’s bundled up like they’re on an expedition to the South Pole. Do the producers know they have volcanoes in tropical locations?
Ty schools everyone with his cowboy skills. Even though I think these are shetland ponies (I was seriously concerned that one of these animals would have its back broken. It’s like riding a large dog).
Of course, being a pony expert is way less cool than being a cowboy, so everyone sticks with calling Ty a cowboy. Their jaunt ends at a gaping hole in he ground with climbing ropes descending into it. Again, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. Caves = suck. Ice caves = double suck.
Meanwhile, Rated R says he has a little surprise. And that is he is getting his cast off and getting it replaced with an ugly brace exactly the same size! Take THAT Kasey’s tattoo! He leaves the doctor’s office and throws out his crutches! Donating to charity is for pussies!
In addition to being a cowboy, Ty is apparently also a spelunker as he helps strap people in. Uh, dude, let someone certified do that! The cave doesn’t really go anywhere—it goes down, then they walk for a bit, then it comes back out somewhere else. I was kind of hoping it would end in a lava pit that they all fall into. Or that the tunnel would just collapse. Alas, no such luck. Ali comments on the fact that Frank has totally just checked out of the date and she’s fine with that because there are plenty of other weirdos that actually want to be there and compete for her. I’m pretty sure this is typical editor shenanigans. Fuckingfrank will get some alone time with her and he’ll be fine this week. Which sucks.
The date ends at some hot springs and Ali strips off her snow suit to reveal her bikini, which is pretty hot (click here to see it). What? I was raised on Hot Dog and Ski School. Ali invites Ty to some alone time. Have these two made out yet? I don’t recall. In any event, it doesn’t happen here. Just lots of hugging. Is Ty that much of a gentleman? Will that hurt his chances? Now Cape Cod takes some time with Ali. And they DO make out. Take notes, Ty. All the guys can hear Ali giggling and cracking up, which of course sets Frank off. Hilarious.
Frank FINALLY gets Ali alone and she’s all butt-hurt that Frank isn’t making more of an effort on these group dates. He apologizes and that’s kind of it. They go back to the group and Ali gives the rose to Ty, for being such a swell guy. Aw shucks ma’am.
It’s almost time for the two-on-one date and the guys are getting ready by packing their bags in case they go home. Rated R packs like the retard he is. He just shoves everything into his suitcase like he has no opposable digits. He also talks about the date WAY too much like a competition. More than once he’s said that he’s “bringing everything [he’s] got.” It’s so off-putting. He’s definitely in Kasey’s dome though. It’s hilarious.
The date starts at a helicopter (of course). Ali’s surprised that Rated R is off his crutches, but not really as excited as I think Rated R hoped. I love that in all his interviews Kasey thinks that he’ll get Ali so long as she realizes how EARNEST he is and how he’s here to fall in love. Why does he think that his intentions are all it takes to make a relationship work? It’s bizarre and I love it.
They fly around the volcano for a bit and then they land on the volcano for a bit. Admittedly, it’s pretty cool. Despite the awesome scenery, all the guys talk about in their interviews is each other. Rated R continues to over-extend the wrestling metaphor as he talks about crushing his opponent. Again, off-putting. The goal isn’t to beat the other guy, you douche.
They fly off to an ice cave where all the furniture is made of ice. It looks really cold and uncomfortable. I’m wondering how Rated R would have made it through all the snow on crutches. I’m not even sure how he made it limping on the brace. While Rated R and Ali spend some time inside the ice cave, they show Kasey sitting in the snow outside like a little kid. There’s something in his hand and I’m praying to God it’s jewelry box with an engagement ring. Then he drinks out of it. Oh. It’s a cup. OR IS IT? (It is.)
Kasey gets his alone time with Ali and it’s time to show her his tattoo, but before that happens, Ali says that all Kasey has to do is “act normal” in order to make it through. Way to set the bar low. Glad he got a tattoo. Here’s what he mumbles out in his weird ass voice before the reveal:
“I was thinking like, how do I prove my sincerity? How do I prove my genuine heart? And the first thing I told you when I got here, right, was that I promised to protect and guard your heart. What I actually did the next day was something I never did before. I actually did something kind of crazy, kind of fun, and something that will stick with me the rest of my life. And actually I want to show it to you. I actually got a tattoo. I did. It was SO much fun.” He says “actually” 4 times in less than 20 seconds. And then he actually refers to all the contestants as “studs.”
Here’s the face Ali makes:
I like that he did something TOTALLY out of character as a reminder of who he really is. The irony is rich.
Ali takes them on a hike to the middle of nowhere to have the rose ceremony. She starts off with, “This sucks guys, I’m sorry.” Promising for the viewer, not so much for the contestants. She gives Rated R the rose in the most apologetic, sad way imaginable. Haha. Sucks for Rated R. Hey Kasey, enjoy your stupid fucking tattoo RIGHT ON YOUR WRIST! Every time he masturbates he’ll be reminded of what a creepy, weirdo, loser he is. To his credit he holds it together until the helicopter leaves without him. The producers are apparently so sure that he’ll kill himself that they don’t even bother giving him a ride off of the glacier. He stands there in stony silence, willing the helicopter to go up in flames like Firestarter. It’s classic Kasey. I’m sure he’ll be back again. And again. And again.
In his interview Rated R goes, “There were actually TWO roses given- one to Justin [his real name is Justin] and one to Rated R. HA! HA! HA!” NO idea what that means. He’s such a phony douche bag.
Time for the rose ceremony. After they all have a good laugh at how pathetic Kasey is, Frank pulls Ali away so they can make out for a bit. Bleh. Craig’s up next. He drew a fake tattoo on his wrist. I love that they all make fun of Kasey. They have a good friend hug. Way to go Craig. Enjoy not winning.
Chris N, the guy that’s had almost no screen time gets his moment alone with Ali. The first thing she says is to tell her something about himself that would surprise her. Like his name? He says the one thing that would surprise her is how funny he is. And then he says nothing funny. In fact, he doesn’t say anything. She tries to help by asking him to tell her about something silly he does. And he says he loves Mexican food. Seriously, how is this dude still on this show?
Cape Cod (the OTHER Chris) shows up to save her from the horrible awkwardness. They have a nice boring talk about his dad. She loves it.
Roberto has his allotted 5 minutes next. They go outside in the snow and Ali’s first question once again reveals that she’s totally insecure about dating up. “Would you approach me if you met me out of here? Would you try to date me? I’d never come up to you cuz I’d think you’re too hot for me.” I wish he’d say, “Probably not, you’re a little plain. Maybe after a few beers. You’re definitely probably up to my road-ho standards.”
The Harrison breaks up the party so Ali can consult with producers and then hand out some roses. They finally have the classic Chris Harrison consultation talk. I feel like they haven’t had this so far. Good to see Chris get some more face time. He tells Ali that she’s afraid to fall in love. After a bit of a silence he just raises an eyebrow and nods at her. He’s so smug.
Here are her picks (remember Rated R and Ty have roses already):
See ya, Chris N. We LITERALLY hardly knew you. I’m pretty sure even you forgot you were on the show.
Ali tells the guys that they’re going to Istanbul. Is this the obscure country tour?
Usually the un-aired bit during the credits is lame, but this week is Craig on this tiny little pony and people making fun of him. Check it:
And that’s it for this week’s Bachelorette. ‘Til next time!