The Bachelorette: I’m Back on the Case

8 Comments 15 May 2012

Oh lordie. I’m back at it again. This is what happens when I don’t make fun of anything on my site for a long time. The petty snark just builds up until my friend Jekika tells me to blog about the worst show on television and I’m like, “OK!” I’m going to regret this.

First some background. For those that don’t know the Bachelorette this season is MILF Emily, the “winner” from Brad Womack’s season. Shockingly, that union did not last. Of 22 seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette, do you know how many couples are still together? 2. That’s as many as Survivor. Or Biggest Loser. Or the Real World. That’s pathetic.

Also pathetic: the lack of non-white people on the show. Producers are actually being sued for discrimination. Good times. This season is supposed to have two non-white contestants, so take THAT world.
And last thing, Chris Harrison recently broke up with his wife. I would KILL for Chris Harrison as the Bachelor. ABC, make it happen.

So what notables do we have?

Kalon describes himself as a former “loud, obnoxious womanizer.” He’s managed to scale that back to just obnoxious. He’s a luxury brand manager. What brand? I do not know. But as a dude with a business degree, I can tell you that his job is 99% bullshit. He then shows up at the house in a helicopter. Since when can you just arrive however you want? I hate this show. He walks into the back and throws his helicopter arrival into everyone’s face. Making friends from minute one.

Ryan is a former pro football player who now trains pro athletes (read: clings to dead dreams) and mentors little kids when he’s not posing scenically with his dog. I thought he was top 3 potential until he did this when meeting Emily, pretending to have written some notes:Pimp status. Dude’s going to win. He might as well’ve just written this:

Tony says he cares about two things: fitness and his son. Producers were like, “yes and yes, you are IN”. Top 3 potential.

Oh hello non-white person of ambiguous ethnicity! Can’t tell if he’s latino or black. His name’s “Lerone” so I’m thinking African American, but then again, he has a Pomeranian so also possibly gay.

“Jef” says people don’t take him seriously because of how he dresses and acts. I think it’s because he spells his name like a retard. He runs a bottled water company for charity which means he filters tap water and then sells it for 1,000 times the actual cost and then uses his non-profit status to dodge taxes and pick up mad bitches.
He shows up to the initial meet skitching on the back of the limo and then throws his skateboard in the bushes like it ain’t shit. I immediately want to strangle him.

If you want proof that the producers of this show are assholes, look no further than Indy Car racer Arie. “Hey let’s set up the girl whose dead ex-fiancé was a NASCAR driver with another race car driver. Imagine the emotional roller coaster!” Previously on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor they sent Emily on a date to a race track. I think the producers live off the tears of the desperate.

Alessandro insists on the unexpected/awkward double-cheek kiss when he arrives because “that’s how they do it” back home in Brazil (from “Uberlandia”—yeah right that’s a real place). He then stares at Emily’s tits for a full 5 seconds before dropping some Brazilian on her hoping it will distract from his awful flesh-colored beard. Do not unpack, Alessandro.

Not even halfway through and I think I’m willing to award Randy the Worst Entrance Award for dressing up as his grandmother.

Note to Mike: Just because some plastered sorority girl once told you that you look like Ashton Kutcher does NOT mean you can pull off his hairstyle.

As usual, they only show a handful of arrivals because they totally over-cast the show and then Emily heads in to “mingle” and I fight the urge to just wander off and shove toothpicks into my eyes.

Doug brings a letter from his son for Emily. It’s a little odd:Despite that fact that he is clearly abusive and horrible to look at, he gets the first impression rose. Hm. Go figure.

Only other notable moment from before the Rose Ceremony is Arie letting Emily know that he’s a race car driver and her not caring at all. Just fascinating stuff here. The Rose Ceremony is pretty much just all the guys they’ve shown throughout the night getting roses (though not the idiot that dressed up as his own grandmother) and a bunch of guys we’ve never seen before going home. Oh, and uh, Lerone got sent home. So are there non-white dudes left? Yes. If you consider vaguely Latino South Americans to be non-white. Well there’s always this:

Final note: I would like to take credit for the fact that my buddy Joe now watches this show but it was probably his lovely bride that done it. He’s a writer. And professional at that. Give his recap a peep. He actually ends it… poignant and poetic like. See y’all next week. I guess.

Your Comments

8 Comments so far

  1. Someday Kalon will be the governor of Texas or The Brutal King of Dystopic America and you and I can say we were the only ones who tried to stop it.

  2. Liotte says:

    This made me so happy 🙂

  3. Paula says:

    I checked your site on a fluke today and like Liotte, I was so happy to see a recap posted. The show is horrible, I will give you that. But please, never, never take a season off again. You have a talent that you must share!

    Thanks for making me laugh. I beg of you to keep it up, you made my day!!!!


  4. Jekika says:

    See? Look how happy you’ve made your fans. It just wasn’t the same without you. You’re on your game as always. Looking so forward to the rest of the season now.

  5. Susie says:

    First great laugh of the day. Thank you! And thanks to Joe for sending me this way.
    I can honestly say, I have NEVER seen one episode of this show. I’ll just keep up with it via ewes.

  6. Jessica a.k.a Jessipoo says:

    Kalon went to high school with a girl I work with. I will get more juice on this DB! Glad you’re back BH! I needed this recap!!!

  7. Malia says:

    I hate Emily so much and I wasn’t going to watch this season, but since you’ve decided to recap -I’m back in. Thanks man!

  8. karynr says:

    I accidentally found your site through someone elses, and just want to say thanks! It’s always a pleasure to make funh of this train wreck, though I do have to admit to being one of the millions sucked in week after week.

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