Hey gang. Totally tired from the long weekend and just returning from Twilight, which is like the movie equivalent of The Bachelorette (a dumb girl trying to decide between two guys who are both totally lacking in personality and ultimately picking the uglier, lamer one. Oh, and it feels like it’s about 10 times longer than it is) but I’m going to battle through it and watch this mess of a show. Mostly to see the Jake and Vienna interview.
The Harrison meets with the bros in a courtyard and welcomes them to Lisbon, Portugal. Surprisingly Fuckingfrank does not fuckingfistpump. They go back to their room (once again the guys all “ooh” and “ah” over their accommodations) and all manage to walk past the invitation on the table in the doorway. Ty spots it and we find out that Roberto has the first date this week. It takes Fuckingfrank all of 5 seconds to whine about the fast that he’s not on the date. In defense of Frank, you can see when they read Roberto’s name that he’s a nice guy about it, but they immediately edit in a reaction shot to make him look less than elated:
Roberto and Ali start their date off with stupid tourist photos in town. Roberto is horrible at timing jumping shots, but I kind of know how he feels whenever I’m trying to screencap someone’s stupid face the right way. Ali goes up to some security guard and she’s like, “they aren’t allowed to talk to us!” and then poses for pictures. This isn’t Buckingham Palace. The guard just looks miserable.
While Roberto and Ali dance in the streets like idiots (but kind of cute idiots), the guys are getting their next invite. It’s for Frank AND Ty. That sucks for them. Frank is, of course, not terribly pleased. Roberto and Ali go to an old castle and have a wine picnic while the sun sets. Roberto has good dates. It’s a mixture of the date itself being well-planned and him doing well with the time he has. Ali ruins it with her blatant insecurities. She’s so sure that he’s out of her league that it’s a total turn-off. What’s funny is that Roberto takes it all in stride like he’s heard it all before. He’s like, “I AM really good looking, so I can see where you’d be intimidated.” He never makes much of an effort to reassure her.
Fuckingfrank and Ty meet up with Ali for a helicopter (natch) tour of Portugal. Ali says “we’re going to travel back in time together.” Not sure she understands how helicopters work. They land at a reserve outside a castle that used to belong to a Queen and Ty spots a deer and immediately wishes he had a semi-automatic rifle so he could show that deer how it’s fuckin’ done. Ali’s really weird the whole date because she doesn’t know how to deal with her shit. She totally wasn’t ready for the logistics of a 3-person date.
I’m going to interrupt myself here to point out that at the end of the last episode they showed us not just scenes from the hometown dates, but also from the episode after when the final 3 all go with Ali to Tahiti, so the dude she cuts tonight has already been ruined, along with a couple other of her choices. Thanks ABC.
Back to the super fucking boring ménage à trois date. During one-on-one time Ty reassures Ali that he’s cool so she’s like, cool. Then Fuckingfrank reassures Ali that he’s cool so she’s like, cool. And everything is hunky-dory [that is the weirdest phrase in the world, and I didn’t realize that until I typed it out] until Fuckingfrank tells us that he hasn’t told Ali that he lives at home with his parents yet! What!!! Hahaha. He hasn’t told her that yet? That’s crazy. Even crazier is that Ali just thinks it’s cute and puts her tongue in his mouth. Is she going to try and give him a hand-job on his twin bed when they visit his hometown? Or will the Wiggles posters turn her off?
Frank goes, “I’d live anywhere with you, Ali.” Mostly because he’s tired of his mom walking in on him when he’s masturbating.
The next day brings Kirk and Ali’s date. Ali is again all weird and emotionally checked out. Get your shit together, girl, we have a show to make!
They take a horse ride to another fucking castle. Is there nothing else in Portugal except castles? No mini-golf? No bowling alleys? Kirk and Ali have a another fucking wine picnic at sunset. The producers didn’t try very hard this week. Ali is way more bummed out and distant here though. Kirk is getting shafted. Or maybe she just made up her mind before this leg of the trip even started and she already made her choice to kick out Ty so she’s having a hard time caring about anything before the rose ceremony. She gets back into it at dinner and makes some googly eyes at Kirk when he talks about how his mold disease put his life in perspective.
Our final date of the week is Chris from Cape Cod. Ali says that she feels more like friends with him than being in a romantic relationship so he better step it up. To the Streets. It’s a scooter date. With a guy that’s never driven a motorcycle or scooter or anything. He drives so slow that Ali’s like, “MOVE, I’ll drive.”
They go to a lookout and Ali wants to make Chris cry so she asks what his mom was like. It doesn’t quite work but he scores some points. Next they go to a winery. Every event this episode is just sitting around and talking. Again, just like Twilight. YAWN.
Chris says that he has a gift for her so that she’ll fit in with Dennis. Who the fuck is Dennis? Is Dennis his town? If so why did he say “fit in WITH Dennis”? And why would it say Cape Cod when they put his name on-screen? Whatever. It’s a bracelet. He puts it on her wrist with all the finesse of a gorilla with Parkinson’s and then they roll around a park for a little bit.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and one of these things is not like the other:
Harrison presents Ali and it’s time for the roses. Here are the winners(?):
Sorry Ty. You and your mangled thumb and over-sized clothing can go back to Nashville and write a song about it. Ty has a sad little moment in the limo. Ty: next season’s Bachelor? Probably not successful enough.
What a boring fucking episode. Thank God for this Jake and Vienna interview. They should have edited this episode down to 10 minutes and gotten right to it. Anyway, here are my notes with that:
Harrison starts RIGHT out with some classic Bachelor bullshit: “Many people have found love on our show, and we often give our fans updates as these couples move forward, get married, and even have children.” Hahaha. Couples still together: 3. Couples married: 2. Couples with children: 1. FAIL.
Chris brings out Jake for his side. Jake’s faux-sincerity is so annoying. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. How did this guy get his own show?
Jake says the relationship was going downhill but he was willing to try when he went on a trip for a couple days and came back to his face on the cover of all these magazines (and not the good kind). Chris gets ready to bring Vienna out and he goes, “You ready, Jake, to do this?” and Jake just shrugs. Hahaha. He’s playing the victim like no one’s business. (Click here for a bonus Jake Face. This might be the hardest he’s ever done it.)
Vienna comes out and she looks as lovely as ever. Which is to say, not at all. Vienna says that after a month Jake only acted like he was into her when they were on camera. Luckily for her that was almost 24/7 thanks to the ABC marketing machine. Vienna accuses Jake of being emotionally abusive. She says he was completely gone emotionally. And this is the face he’s making while she says that:
Harrison asks Vienna why she went to the tabloids with the story and she says she just wanted to get there before Jake. She rambles for a bit and Jake goes, “I’m so mad at you. I’m so disgusted with you.” AWESOME! “You sold me out to a magazine for payment?” Hahahaha, “for payment”. I’ve missed Jake.
Vienna says she thought they would move to Florida and Dallas and he would be a pilot and instead they stayed in LA so he could pursue a career in acting and then Jake goes, “At least I pursued a career in something.” SNAP! She says he never even tried to get to know her family. We saw her family! OF COURSE he didn’t want to spend time with them!
After Jake accuses her of having flings with other men, Vienna goes, “Your first story is you broke up with me on Saturday because I was cheating on you with Greg Michael. I didn’t even meet Greg Michael until Saturday night” but they bleep out his last name so it looks like she’s saying Greg Motherfucker. In any event, Jake has zero evidence, circumstantial or otherwise (weak shit). Vienna is so mad about his accusations that she requests a “poly-a-graph” test. Jake, how could you let such a beautiful genius slip away?
The interview is a lot of them accusing one other of being fame whores and disingenuous and arguing over who dumped who. Even Harrison gets sick of it. He goes, “What’s life after this for you guys? Will this crap continue of the he said/she said?” Haha. She comes off like such a psycho and he comes off like such an asshole. I can’t believe these two didn’t last.
Harrison asks Vienna if Jake will ever find love and she says “Absolutely not, unless there’s a woman out there who literally has no respect for herself and just wants a man to control her.” And Jake, Chris, and everyone watching simultaneously thinks the same thing:
Vienna and Jake start arguing about her dog again (apparently it isn’t even house broken) and Harrison goes, “Ok, we don’t really care about the dog.” I’m liking him more and more.
After a hilarious story about Jake freaking out and throwing the GPS unit out the window of their moving car, Jake yells at Vienna for interrupting one last time and she starts crying and storms off. Jake’s like, “welcome to my world.”
In short, here’s the interview: