Hey everyone! This week we’re going to Turkey!!! Which means the cast can… get nice suits? Brush up on their history? I don’t know. That’s all I got. What happens in Turkey? Anyway, this week is off like a shot when The Harrison shows up at Ali’s hotel to scare the shit out of Ali with some interesting news…
Turns out former cast member Jessie (yeah I don’t remember her either) knows that someone on the show “isn’t there for the right reasons.” GASP! Who, Jessie, WHO?! It’s Justin, AKA Rated R. Least shocking news ever? Even if it hadn’t been on every TV blog for the last week, they totally teased it on the previews and come on, it’s Rated R, the least sincere person on the planet. Ali has to sit there on the phone and listen to Rated R’s girlfriend cry about the whole thing. Chris Harrison is sitting there making hand motions for Ali to wrap it up because they’re calling internationally from a hotel phone. Do you have any idea what that costs?!
Turns out Rated R has been sneaking off to call his girlfriend from secret phones and shit. That’s awesome. I like him more now I think. These shows are such a sham anyway. The couples are what, like 3 for 20? That’s such a shitty track record. I think Survivor has had more successful couples. Also, what are the odds that a cast member from Ali’s season knows the girl that’s dating Rated R? Bullshit.
Ali marches down to the boys’ room to give Rated Rat Shit (see what I did there, Craig?) a piece of her mind. All the guys sit down and Ali lays into Rated R for a bit before he gets up and just gets his bag and bounces. It’s pretty awesome. This is the best thing he could do for his career as a wrestler, especially since he’s a heel (bad guy). Ali chases him down the stairs (he took the stairs? On that gimpy leg?) and catches up to him outside a cafe. He tries to escape through the restaurant only to be denied by both a locked door and a waiter.
This is just like The Bourne Identity. He eventually jumps through some bushes and climbs up a fountain to escape. And then comes back. Hahaha. Of COURSE he came back. He still needs a plane ticket back, right?
I’d tell you what Justin says but honestly, who fucking cares? In short, he came in “open-hearted” but missed his “friend” more as the show went on. So he says. This is why we don’t let Canadians on our reality shows. Oh sure they all SEEM nice, but that’s just what they want you to think. To really rub salt in Justin’s wounds, they play his voicemails to his girlfriend that he sent while he was on the show even though he told Ali he never called her while on the show. It’s awesome. This might be the most satisfying scandal they’ve ever had on a reality show. So much evidence! He even says he’s in Iceland in one of the calls! Great stuff.
Craig proves he is the world’s least funny human by saying “So glad that TURKEY is GOBBLING his way home to Canada right now.” Christ, why is he here? As the guys sit around and bitch about Rated R an invite comes in for mah boy Ty, who I like even though he wears douche necklace (excuse me, magical talisman).
They go to a steam bath that normally only men are allowed to go to. She’s totally ruining this place. Ty busts out his massage skills.
Meanwhile the guys get the invite for the group date and it’s everyone but Fuckingfrank, which means that shit bag gets the one-on-one date. I’m preparing myself to be highly annoyed. Luckily Frank spares us from a vigorous fist pump, probably so Craig won’t start crying over never getting a one-on-one date. Oh crap. I spoke too soon. Frank just fist-pumped in his interview. God damn that guy.
Back at the Turkish steam bath, Ali’s massaging Ty which leads to a very bored-looking make out session. I don’t think Ty’s going to win. They head off to dinner and Ty and Ali have a little chat about his divorce. He basically says he divorced his wife because she wanted to be a career woman. Oh shit. He is southern. But he’s smarter now (sure). The guys all sit around the house and talk about how they like Ty but they REALLY don’t want him to come home. They have their game faces on. Tough shit cuz Ty pulls down the rose and then dry humps her to live music in the streets.
The four guys (Roberto, Kirk, Craig, and Chris) head out for their date with Ali. The last group date. They have some big beers and then Ali tells them they’ll have to fight for one-on-one time with her. Kirk gets really excited when he sees a group of Turkish wrestlers come in slathered in oil. “They’re oiled up! Guys! They’re all oiled up!” “Yes, Kirk. We see that.” The guys all look fucking pissed and like they want to kill the bros. Apparently they’ve been watching the show.
How mad is Rated R that he missed the wrestling challenge? All the guys lose, but they don’t really show Craig get his ass handed to him which bums me out. To make things a little more fair Ali pits the bros against one another. Craig tells us that it’s unfair because the other guys are athletes whereas he “fights with words.” So basically he must be horrible at his job. Luckily Craig outweighs the other guys by a good 40 pounds. It comes down to Craig vs Roberto for the one-on-one time. Roberto basically throws Craig all over the place and could have killed him a few times, but you have to get your opponent on your back and have you ever tried to spin a slippery whale onto it’s back? Eventually Roberto slips, falls on his back, and Craig wins. Pathetic. He then acts like he actually won instead of just not-losing (there’s a difference).
Fuckingfrank whines about how jealous he is AGAIN. You can’t possibly be jealous of Craig. He’s so happy on his one-on-one date that I ALMOST feel bad for him. Almost. He’ll probably get a date or two out of this after he gets kicked off. It’s so funny because the subtext to everything Craig says is “I love her” and the subtext to everything Ali says is “I should like him but…” Painful.
Ali meets up with Frank and she seems legitimately into him. It makes me not want to watch this show. They go to a market like her and Ty did but have way more fun. Frank says he could watch Ali shop all day long. Good thing you work at The Gap then.
Back at the house the guys all speculate on the future and Craig says that since Frank’s first date, a few of the guys have leap-frogged over Frank, himself included. Oh Craig. You poor dumb bastard. Chris and Ty think that Kirk isn’t going to make it.
On their date, Frank and Ali are forced to spend time with this super annoying, pushy rug dealer. Easily the worst date portion the producers have ever put together (well, minus the skyscraper high-wire act). The producers buy them a rug just for the joke visual. They carry their rug over to dinner at this insane underground temple or something. 50 foot tall pillars rising up over a floor covered in shallow water and pitch black except for the red and white lights shining up the pillars. Almost makes up for the lame rug salesman bit.
The producers can definitely stack the odds by giving the best dates to the guys they want to advance. This is turning into a Jake and Vienna situation where you can see the final outcome coming and you aren’t really pleased that the person you don’t like is going to win, but then you’re reassured because it’s like, well even if Fuckingfrank wins, he isn’t winning a million dollars or anything, he’s just winning Ali. So like, no big deal. Still annoying however.
Frank gets a rose. Of course. Bleh. Can we skip to the “After the Rose” reunion special so we can see Jake try and punch Vienna? I’m over this season.
Time for the pre-Rose ceremony shenanigans but uh oh, where’s Ali? She meets with Chris Harrison and Ali’s like, “I don’t even need the cocktail party.” Ouch. Whoever gets the boot, that’s brutal. She says she’s felt a connection with every guy but one. Well, she’s made out with all of them but Craig, so…
Before we get to the end I need to point this out:
The Harrison comes down and delivers the bad news that Ali doesn’t even need a rose ceremony. Head upstairs boys.
Here are the results (remember Ty and Fuckingshitasscockfrank have roses):
Roberto. I typed that before she even said it.
Chris. She picked him before she saw him wearing Nike Dunks with a suit.
Kirk. I typed that before she said it as well.
Foregone conclusion. You can only carry the friend zone so far. Ali feels bad about that one for sure. Later, Duckie. Ali, why’d you drag him along for so long? That’s just fucking mean and selfish. You deserve Fuckingfrank. She says that he has all these qualities that women would want but there just wasn’t that romantic connection. Ali, just say it. He wasn’t physically attractive. It’s so hard for women to admit that. Ali meets with the bros and tells them that they’re going to Portugal and of course, Fuckingfrank is way more pumped than everyone else. I hate that guy.
I’m not going to talk about the “upcoming scenes” but there is a shitload of spoilers. What the fuck? You guys see that shit?