Hey guys! It’s Monday night, I’ve had some cocktails, and despite Time Warner trying to totally F me with their ghetto DVRs, I am now watching the show we love to hate.
Chris Harrison opens the ep letting the bros know that they’re hitting the road. “You’ll be traveling around the world to fall in love with Ali.” So easy to enjoy a relationship when you’re totally distracted from the monotony and boredom of dating a bland former Facebook employee. First stop: New York!
Ali goes for a makeover by InStyle magazine’s fashion director. Are they going to plump her upper lip? No? Just clothes and hair. Here comes a badass hair dresser with knuckle tats! There should be a law that you have to have killed someone in order to get your knuckles tattooed. While getting her hair did she says that Fuckingfrank is the funniest person she’s ever met. Like, unintentionally funny, right? She then goes for the least sexy photoshoot of all time. The fashion director shows her the pics and tells her she’s going to be in the July InStyle. omg.
Cut to the guys arriving. And I swear to you Weatherboy says, “we see this huge shuilding.” I rewound, confirmed, and had my buddy, Salty Ned confirm as well. [Am I watching Bachelorette with another man? Yes I am. I swear I am not gay.]
Time to announce the first one-on-one date and it’s Kasey the Frog.
Ali shows up to pick up Kasey, and off they go in a stinky cab. No limo for Froggie. They go to an aircraft carrier and get picked up by helicopter. Kasey can’t believe it, despite the fact that the Bachelor has a helicopter pretty much on retainer. These guys are surprised by the least surprising stuff. That never ceases to surprise me. Still with me? Good. Moving on.
Why isn’t Ali talking about how scared she is of flying and how her man makes her feel safe? Kasey says a bunch of stuff about Ali’s mental state and I can’t even understand him. Can’t they give him subtitles or something? He definitely sounds super crazy and obsessed, which is awesome.
They land and go for a picnic and I can’t really stress how awkward and uncomfortable what happens next is. Kasey sings to Ali. A song he apparently made up as they were in the helicopter. He finishes and Ali just kind of stares at him. And then he goes, “Yeeaahh! That’s pretty intense stuff.” It’s the moment of the show so far. Can we submit this for Emmy consideration? No? Ok. Off to the Natural History Museum!
They go to the dinosaur fossil exhibit and he doesn’t make one single Jurassic Park joke. Not one. What a loser.
Back at the house the guys are “icing” each other. I assume. The group date invite shows up and Rated R is not part of the group. Waaaaa. FuckingFrank makes fun of him, which earns him enough respect that for one time I will refer to him without the F bomb.
Oh God. Kasey sings to Ali again. He must think he’s an awesome singer. I’m starting to doubt my karaoke supremacy. Do I not rock “Mr. Roboto” as much as I think I do? Ali once again just stares at Kasey. I’m sure they edit it much more awkward than it really is, but it’s still funny. She then basically dumps him and he just stares at her like he’s just been told that he has a terminal disease. She doesn’t give him a rose but she does let him stay. What? How come the people on this show can just make up rules as they go? God dammit. I didn’t think it was possible to violate the sanctity of something so fucking ridiculous, but apparently that just happened.
The guys all head out for their group “sporty” date and you know Roberto is like, “baseball, baseball, baseball.” It’s the opposite- The Lion King. Weatherboy says “The forecast looks good today.” The producers should only let him speak in weather puns.
Roberto says he feels a tremendous respect for The Lion King because, like baseball, it’s the big leagues. Bit of a stretch there, dude. The idea of this part of the date is that their auditioning for the part of Ali’s date for the night. Cheesy. They turn the guys over to The Lion King choreographer which is probably the low point in her career. Frank says he’s usually a good dancer so he’s surprised he’s not better at the routine they’re being taught. Usually a good dancer? Really?
Now they’re having the guys sing. They’re all horrible. Roberto wins the “part” of being Ali’s date for the night, and they tell him that they weren’t just auditioning for the date but they’ll actually be on stage. Yeah right. If I paid to see The Lion King and had to watch one of these ass hats I would not only demand my money back, I’d sue for damages. I guarantee it’ll be some rehearsal performance or something. Bachelorette producers, why must you turn my television into a house of lies? (spoiler: looks to actually be a real performance, albeit their “parts” are basically scenery, like the retarded kids that are forced to play the “bushes” in the school play).
The guys are all forced to watch the rehearsal of Roberto groping Ali while dangling from harnesses.
Weatherboy drops a true gem on us as he gets absurdly real. “Forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue the storm just like, crapped in my face and now i smell like shit storm and it’s not good. I need a shower. Shower off the shit.” When did Weatherboy get awesome?
Roberto’s harness makes it look like he’s wearing adult diapers (not that Ali’s unitard is particularly flattering).
We see the guys watching the show, but they aren’t in the audience. They’re watching on a closed circuit feed. ABC couldn’t even get them tickets. They got TWO people onto the stage for the fucking show but they couldn’t get some duckets for the bros? Roberto is winning major points here. It’s hard to compete with an experience like that. All her best dates are with Roberto. He’s going to take this for sure.
The crew heads to a bar for mai tais but Ali’s coming down with something. Color me surprised. Making out with a bunch of bunk dudes that’ve all been hot tubbing together? She’ll be lucky if she only gets one disease out of this shit show.
Ali and Fuckingfrank take a walk in the cold rain despite her rapidly deteriorating condition and then make out. All I can think about is the disease transference happening here. Then I start thinking about the fact that when you kiss someone, you’re kissing everyone they’ve ever made out with. And I saw The Bachelor so I know what Jake was doing with his tongue and all those skanky hoes. And Ali made out with him a bunch. Herpes central man.
Meanwhile, back at the house we learn that the next day is Cape Cod Chris’s birthday AND he gets the one-on-one date.
On the group date, Craig R has some alone time with Ali and does some good work but is only rewarded with a friend hug. I’ve been telling you he’s stuck on the friend-tip. This isn’t Friends. It’s semi-real life. There is no escape from friend zone. Weatherboy comes over to interrupt but He of the Huge Dome blocks the C Block. BOOM! That just happened. Weatherboy gets no time with Ali. Screwed. I didn’t even know you could do that. Every time someone interrupts a private chat, the schmuck with Ali just lets it happen. I thought it was in the contract or something.
Ali postpones the rose business due to her swine flu and Kirk walks Ali to her room. Good work Kirk. He tucks her in and then slips her the tongue.
As Cape Cod Chris gets ready for his big birthday date they show Ali who looks like she’s in a Nyquil commercial.
She tells us that she’s too sick for the date. Can’t they just edit a week out of this show so we don’t have to see how miserably sick she is? It makes me uncomfortable. Instead of canceling, Ali invites him to her suite. Is this a test to see how stupid Chris is? What is she, Typhoid Mary?
Cape Cod Chris has either the world’s worst subterranean zit or measles or something. It looks like something laid eggs in his jaw. Check it:
Kreepy Kasey makes the world’s worst reality show mistake and gets an Ali tattoo (has he not seen Rock of Love?). He uses the phrase “protect and guard her heart” at least 50 different times in this episode. He’s fucking nuts man. I hope she keeps him. Oh, by the way, I know I said I wouldn’t bring this shit up, but in the teasers for this episode, they made it look like Kirk was wearing a bandage on his wrist because he attempted suicide. I hate the producers so much.
Ali decides to go out with Cape Cod Chris regardless of whatever horrible incurable virus she’s currently spewing all over the great city of Manhattan. They go to a club that has once again been closed just for them. I love that they keep going to places that would normally be fun places to go WHEN PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY THERE. A club with no people and no music isn’t cool or hip. Cape Cod Chris talks about his dead mom again. Geez dude. Why don’t you just roll out her corpse and cry a little bit? For a guy that said he didn’t want to talk about it, he sure talks about it a lot. Or maybe it’s Ali. After all, she did take Jake to her creepy dead grandma’s house. In either case, he’s cheapening the memory of his mother’s death by discussing it on national television.
Back at the house Krazy Kasey tells the guys that he was badly burned and that’s why he has a bandage on his wrist. He even says he went to the hospital. He’s so fucking bat shit crazy. I love it. Rated R knows he’s lying. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter. In confessional Rated R goes, “I’m calling him a FIBBER!” What? Who uses that word? He’s so wholesome. For a dirty liar anyway.
On the date Ali gives Chris a rose and then takes him to the roof to hear Josh Radin. He’s apparently the king of getting his music on TV shows. Go to his Wikipedia page and check his TV credits.
Everyone’s gathered for the rose ceremony and I’m really hoping Kuckoo Kasey flips out and tries to murder someone. It’s time for the desperate to get creative and spend a couple minutes with Ali to plead their case.
Speaking of desperate, Weatherboy plays guitar and sings for Ali. It’s horrible. He thinks it’s great. It’s hilarious. Everyone listens from the other room and rolls their eyes.
I need to point out that this guy never says a single. fucking. word:
He gets no screen time. How is he still on the show? I don’t think he’s even had a confessional. I’m assuming that Ali just forgets about him. She makes up her mind, tells the producers who she wants to leave the show and then goes to the rose ceremony and kicks herself for once again forgetting that she wanted him out. He can’t possibly last through the night.
Rated R says he’s going to call out Kasey because “if you can lie to an entire house of guys, you can lie to Ali.” The hypocrisy is palpable. I love it. They have a big argument about it culminating in Kasey showing them his new shitty tattoo:
Ok, that’s not the real tattoo. Here it is:
He says the 11 rivets (although he calls them diamonds for some reason) on the shield represent the 11 guys in the house. Wow. He must really like those guys to immortalize them on his wrist. He won’t leave the show in a cab, limo, or van. He’s leaving in an ambulance under sedatives and soft restraints. Before he can show Ali his life-long mistake, Fuckingfrank shows up to take Ali away. Oops.
Time to hand out flowers. Here are the big losers. Errrr, winners. (Remember that Cape Cod Chris already has a rose).
Fuckingfrank. Ugh. He’s starting to come down with whatever Jacuzzi-bourne illness Ali’s handing out.
Cromag Craig scores a rose.
Chris N. The dude that has said maybe 5 things since the first episode. Hilarious. What are the producers doing? How long can they keep someone on the show that they don’t even give air time to?
Rated R. She should have to tell us why she picks each dude. Even he looks surprised.
Ty. Good for him.
Kasey gets the last rose. Hilarious. I think Weatherboy just threw up in his mouth. He’s surprised. Really? Let’s take a look back at how he looked throughout the episode:
Yeah, Captain Confidence. He was a sad sac the entire week. He can’t be surprised he got booted. The dude that looks like Michael Phelps also got kicked. I think it’s because he forgot he was supposed to dress up for these things.
Ali tells everyone that they’re off to Iceland after this and they all act kind of happy and kind of like, “wait, which one is Iceland?”
Anywho, that’s it for this week. Until next time, smoke ’em if you got ’em.