humor, television

The Douchelor Gets Bloody!

The Douchelor Gets Bloody!

5 Comments 26 January 2010


Oh man. Does Fake Jake get a bonus for every chick he kicks to the curb or what? He went on a killing spree this week. I’m not going to recap the entire episode because Television Without Pity does a better job than I ever could but I will comment on the crucial moments.

First, we learn that the show’s about to change DRAMATICALLY by turning into Rock of Love Bus except Brett Michaels is way cooler than Jake and the girls on that show might be smarter. Of course the girls act like they’ve never seen an RV before and they’re the greatest thing on Earth because they’re retards and get excited about everything. Hello, you’re leaving a super posh house in LA to go live on the road crammed into an RV with other chicks that you hate.

First stop, a winery and a one-on-one date, which means Jake’s going to fall in love and hand out a rose. This dude is nothing if not predictable. His victim/date is Gia, whom I’ve apparently never heard talk because I didn’t realize she sounds like a cast member from the Jersey Shore. Or maybe that was the Nyquil talking. Regardless, her upper lip continues to bug the shit out of me. Either it’s too much collagen or bad genetics, but it doesn’t move. Ever.

Gia's Weird.

Gia suggests that her and Jake and play hide-and-seek and Jake is beyond pumped because it’s a good mental fit for him. Gia runs about 20 feet away and Jake proceeds to hunt her down find her and she’s all like, “OMG YAY!!!” Jake and Jersey Girl go sit down on their carefully pre-arranged blanket and Jake makes a confession- When he was in 9th grade his nickname was Mr. Dateless. Oooooh BURN!!! How cool were all the freshman in his High School that they had dates all the time? You can’t even drive. From Mr. Dateless to Mr. Undateable, he’s come a long way.

The date continues it’s trend into retardation when the TWO of them play spin the bottle. Or maybe all the camera men and sound guys were in on the action too. At least I hope so or else I’m missing the point of STB (that’s what the kids call it these days). Gia makes up some weird rule about how the person spinning gets a hand hold on the first spin, gets to cop a feel on the second, and–oh for Christ’s sake just put out already! Eventually Jake cheats so he can put his tongue in her mouth and then he promptly falls into her shoulder spent. Yep. Pretty sure he just came.

Come and Go.

Spoiler: Jake gives her a rose because he f**king loves one-on-one dates. He’s as sappy and delusional as the girls.

The next day it’s on to Pismo Beach (just a few minutes north of my favorite restaurant in the world) so Jake can see these girls get “extremely dirty!” For a dude that wears a fake military uniform to work he sure likes to see if these chicks can rough it. The entire day goes by with no one getting hurt or making total asses out of themselves. Also, for the record, this was a date on Rock of Love also. I guess the Bachelor producers are big VH1 fans.

The group date ends with a weird dinner at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo. I went to school in SLO (7 proud years!) and actually lived like a mile away from this eye sore. Words I’ve heard used to describe the Madonna Inn: weird, tacky, ugly, garrish, corny. Words the girls on this show use to describe it: fun, elegant, incredible, magical, “very fairytale” [note: not an adjective]. Keep drinking that Kool-Aid! The one reason to go the Madonna Inn isn’t covered in this show for some reason.


Jake takes each girl to a different ugly room (apparently the Madonna Inn has lots of vacancies) to see which of them will make out with him. When he invites Vienna she insists on going last. Jake agrees because he likes bitches. Ashleigh falls on her face amidst awkard silences, Ali does well, Tenley (like the number!) does really well, and Vienna is her usual bitchy self. Apparently there’s a 5th and 6th girl there, but one has dark hair and the other is all blah so they producers just ignore them. Tenley takes the rose.

The next night brings us the Bachelor version of Thunderdome where 2 girls enter but 1 girl leaves. Except Jake is breakin’ all the rules! He sends BOTH girls packing. Not sure why he sent the MILF home aside from the fact that she’s desperate enough  that she ditched her small child to go on a TV show to get a husband. Also, yeah right she’s 29.


Anyway, all the girls are just SHOCKED that Jake kicked off both the girls on the date, but homeboy ain’t done yet. At the rose ceremony he looks like he’s about to hurl the entire time. He gets down to two roses and three girls left and he bolts. The producers are all freaking out and the only person qualified to speak on camera with Jake is host Chris Harrison, who’s actually a pretty cool customer. He definitely knows how to speak Bachelor because he’s like “This is all about finding your wife, and you’re telling me that you know that TWO of those women aren’t it. You’re sure? You’re really, really sure? Because that means like, one less episode, and you already killed off another character, so we’re -1 episode already in the last 24 hours and we have an episode commitment with ABC.”

Anyway, despite all the girls swearing up and down that they’ll be SOOOO upset if Jake keeps beat-ass Vienna, he does just that and then kicks out TWO chicks (and of course, one of them I hadn’t even seen before tonight). Because Jake’s a rebel. Jake don’t care about episode orders or the fans! He just wants to get to the vacation episode with the final three because we all know what happens then–THE OVERNIGHTS! W00T!

Seriously, are they f**king with me? This chick was on the show before tonight?


Your Comments

5 Comments so far

  1. Bachelor Rules the Retards says:

    Seriously… how are they going to do the remaining episodes…. not that it matters because not one girl is likable and I can’t imagine caring who the hell he ends up with.

    GREAT article!!!! thanks.

  2. GREAT Recap! I found it very very fairytale.

    He has already picked Gia and he’s just trying to fast forward to the part where he can motorboat those tatas.

  3. CCap says:

    Worst game of hide and seek ever. I mean, all he had to do was crouch to see her damn legs.
    I should have kept watching, I love me some Mt. Madonna Inn – it’s so . . . elegant.

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