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The Douchelor: Let’s Bury this Corpse

The Douchelor: Let’s Bury this Corpse

7 Comments 02 March 2010

The season finale of a show that is NORMALLY 50% flashbacks? I some how doubt there’s going to be even 30 minutes of new footage tonight so I’m keeping my DVR remote handy.

We start with Jake saying he’s in love with BOTH women but in TOTES different ways. Tenley is sweet, and beautiful and he just loves her. Vienna he wants to fuck. Guess which one he’ll pick.

Jake tells us he’s stoked that his parents are coming because he doesn’t know how to date without them. Or something. Jake’s mom, with hardly any prompting asks if Vienna is the girl that all the other girls hate and says that there’s usually something to that. Uh oh, burst bubble, Jake. I like how his mom is already a better host than Chris Harrison.

4 minutes of show and we’re at a commercial break. WEIRD. We come back to Jake whining that he already told his family what a fucking bitch Vienna is and is worried that he “messed up.” Dude, are you LISTENING to yourself? Anyway, Tenley’s up first.

I kind of want to go easy on his family because they didn’t REALLY sign up for this, so I’m not going to call his sister-in-law a chubby albino, or his dad a goofy cry-baby, but they are kind of an odd bunch, like Jake’s mom, who looks like she sweats make-up. Or Jake’s brother who looks like the failed clone they tried to make before Jake.

jake-clone2

Tenley sits down with mom, and she cries, Tenley cries, Tenley gives a Jake-ish kind of speech about family and love and could this process feel any more contrived and artificial? Jesus. The families of these people must think this is so ridiculous. Tenley has the same conversation with Jake’s dad. And then something weird happens.

Jake meets with his mom and goes, “You know how I can play kind of rough? I’ve not done that with Tenley. I don’t think she realizes that if she puts herself on the edge of the pool, I’m going to push her in.” But he says it in this really serious weird tone, like he has a compulsion. Some kind of immature retard compulsion. And his mom answers just as seriously, “You need to tell her … how you like to play and how you like to rough house…” Jake somberly agrees. Bizarre. How old is this dude?

Jake talks to Tenley for a bit and then spontaneously jumps in the pool but you can tell he had it totally planned out in his head. It’s hard to explain, but everything he does seems calculated and stilted. They jump in and Jake’s family isn’t far behind as they bum-rush the pool like they’re going to have some sort of hostile baptism.

baptism

It’s time for Vienna and her sleepy, dead eyes to meet the family. Fingers crossed for a train wreck, but we know Vienna’s going to put on her nice face and not be a complete bitch. She talks about how small her town is. “Well, we have a flashing light now.” No idea what that means. Is there a part of the world where they call Traffic Lights “Flashing Lights?” They have lunch and Jake’s family seems to hate her.  Which is awesome. Every time she tries to be funny she comes off like the bitch everyone knows and hates, but Jake doesn’t seem to notice.

mong mong mong

Jake’s sister-in-law Laura: Now we’re going to ask you the tough stuff because we know you have to be honest. Do you think I’m pretty?
Vienna (no hesitation): YES.
Laura: Do you think I look fat in this outfit?
Vienna (no hesitation): Kind of… KIDDING.

Then they cut to the family not looking very amused. Love those editors.

Laura says how different Vienna is than Tenley and Vienna goes, “I’m not a robot” with her fat face stuffed full of food. Like all her jokes, it goes over like a lead balloon. They ask Vienna what it is that she likes about Jake and she doesn’t even have an answer. “I don’t want to give him a big head. Ask me later.” Translation: Let me think of something before you ask me again.

Jake’s mom calls a time out and pulls Jake aside to tell him what a nasty snatch Vienna is and Jake’s like, “I knew I biased my mom against her yesterday” like Vienna’s been cool this whole time or something and his mom’s being irrational.

Commercial time. There’s one for Robert Pattison’s next movie called Remember Me. The chick in it actually goes, “I don’t date sociology majors.” What a weird rule.

Back to the show. Jake’s brothers pull him aside and one of them goes, “I kind of worry about the brutal honesty thing. I think that sort of brutal honesty is an immature defense mechanism.” Jake’s brothers are so much cooler and smarter than him. I’m liking Jake’s family.

Ugh, Jake’s family is having a change of heart about Vienna. Maybe I don’t like them. Look, it’s nice that Vienna sounds kind of real compared to scripted cartoon Tenley, but compare her to like, a normal, nice person. She’s horrid. Bleh.

Jake’s been pushing so hard for Vienna to be liked that the proposal is kind of a foregone conclusion. Can this show end already?

Time for a date with Vienna at the sulfur springs. Meeting Vienna at the gaping maw of Hell? Fitting. They roll around in the mud and Jake enjoys those store-bought tits that Vienna got with her ex’s money while he was serving in the military in Iraq. Man, she’s so classy, I always forget. She draws on Jake’s chest. So cute.

vienna-drawing

Check out the awkward censoring they did on Vienna’s ass. It’s like Standards and Practices decided that Vienna’s cellulite was just too hot for TV so they tried to CGI some boy shorts on her.

vienna-censored

Commercial for the next Tyler Perry movie. Do black people watch The Bachelor? I hope not. It really makes us crackers look bad.

Commerical for Cymbalta, it might help your depression. It also might kill your unborn baby, make you suicidal, give you fatal liver problems, yellowing skin and eyes, give you migraines, make your muscles stiff, give you dizziness or fainting, nausea, dry-mouth, and constipation.  You know what makes me depressed? Severe liver problems, fainting, nausea, dead babies, chronic dry-mouth…..

St. Lucia looks like such an awesome place. It’s too bad Jake and Vienna are there to ruin it. Vienna is giving Jake the shitty ring her dad gave her to let him know that she’s ready to trade in for something more expensive. I HATE the way she smiles while she talks no matter what she’s saying. I can’t wait ’til I don’t have to see her again.

I like how Vienna was married and it’s no big deal while Tenley acts like her marriage was the holocaust. Vienna was the one that ditched her husband while he was on active duty in another country and they hardly ever talk about it. Jake’s going to read Us Weekly and shit a brick (you know he’s a subscriber).

I have to admit this episode is way more new footage than I thought. Kudos to ABC, but man, I am getting bored. I miss having 12 girls to make fun of.

Tenley shows up for her and Jake’s date and I thought for sure Jake was going in for a motor boat:

motorboat

They’re going snorkeling. He took Miss Piggy to a mud pit and he’s taking the Little Mermaid snorkeling. Perfect. Tenley’s so much nicer and cuter than Vienna. How is this a hard choice? He was so happy and positive on Vienna’s date and so sad and pensive on Tenley’s date. Why does he keep saying that he doesn’t know which one he’s going to pick when it seems so obvious? Bleh. I need to be drinking something stronger than beer.

Jake’s coming over to Tenley’s room for their night-chat. If he’s saying there’s not a lot of heat, why doesn’t Tenley put on the leather and garters and show him how it’s done? Jake keeps saying that he feels bad he hurts Tenley’s feelings when he told her there wasn’t a physical spark on the boat, but he doesn’t say that he was wrong. That’s a problem.

Tenley is so insecure about physical attraction that I bet she cries halfway through sex and just lies there. They make out and Tenley tells us she could imagine doing that forever. Forever, the approximate length of these episodes. Jesus guys.

Could they get more shots of Jake thinking? At some point he must be like, “Guys, this is stupid.”

thinkingsohard

Tenley AGAIN reminds us that Jake is the first man she’s kissed since her ex. Dudette, that’s kind of a red flag. Maybe you should live a little.

What’s Vienna’s nasty tramp stamp? Is it a termite? I can’t tell.

vienna-tat

This pimp-ass jeweler comes over with a sick briefcase full of engagement rings. Jake still can’t pick a girl so the jeweler goes, “tell you what, you take both rings and you can look at them and sit there and think about it.” Great, more thinking. Also, don’t they always take two rings? Why even present it like that wasn’t part of the plan all along?

Jake thinks, cries, thinks, cries. Both girls tell us that they’re in love with Jake. Jake AGAIN tells us that he’s fallen in love with two women. Ugh. Get over it. Let’s boogie.

They’re flying the girls in by helicopter, the most romantic mode of transportation there is. I bet they were about 5 minutes apart by car but had to drive an extra 20 to get to a helipad. We see the girls flying in and it’s like the end of Jurassic Park. Not because of the soaring music and scenic helicopter flight, but because Vienna looks like a primordial beast. Life… found a way.

They show Jake waiting for the loser and his face is all puffy and red and tear-stained. Who’s the loser going to be?!?! It’s…

Tenley! Wah wah! Who didn’t call that? They play more of Tenley’s interview where she’s talking about how it’s totally going to work out and happy they’ll be. That’s kind of mean. They stand there holding hands and Jake kind of grapples for words. I’d love for him to just look at her and go, “Nope. Not it.” All I can think about is how psychologically damaged Tenley’s going to be after this. There’s not enough Ben & Jerry’s in the world for this massive depression that’s coming up. The St. Lucian government had to call in emergency supplies of Kleenex.

stabbing

Tenley does a GREAT guilt number on Jake. Thanking him repeatedly for a variety of things:

  • Showing her how to love again.
  • Making her feel special.
  • Showing her what she could have.
  • Crushing her dreams
  • etc

These shows are weird because you have such a crazy downer before the ending. It really puts a damper on things. Jake says he feels like Tenley put him on a pedestal and he couldn’t live up to her expectations. Uh, yeah, you think, Mr. First-Man-I’ve-Kissed-Since-I-Was-Cheated-On-And-Dumped? You can’t live up to ANY expectations these psycho chicks have.  Tenley has a crying denial-a-thon in the loser’s limo trying to build herself back up before ending with the most suicidal thing I’ve ever heard: “Goodbye St. Lucia sun.” Hahaha. “Alas! The sun shines for me no more!”

Commercial time and they’re revealing the cast of Dancing with the Stars. One of whom is BUZZ ALDRIN. Dude. You walked on the moon. YOU WALKED ON THE MOON. Why the FUCK are you going to burn your dignity on this horrible cheesy show? Your co-stars are Nicole Scherzinger, some dude from a soap opera, and Kate Gosselin for fuck’s sake. YOU WALKED ON THE MOON!

Sorry, I am losing it and we’re not even at the reunion show yet.

We’re back to see Vienna get everything she’s wanted for her entire life. You know, aside from the fake tits. I bet Vienna does a fist pump, spikes the ring, and does a touch-down dance after Jake proposes. She’s going to be so fucking smug at the reunion show.

Hahaha. Vienna goes, “I’m completely in love with you.” And Jake looks down, looks up, tries to come up with something to say and goes, “you are?” Hahaha. What a putz. He gives her her father’s ring back. He’s like, uh, nice gesture but what did you seriously think I was going to do with a woman’s ring? Then he proposed and they try and play sweeping emotional music, but it’s about as legit or sincere as seeing two orangutans get engaged on The Today Show. They play “On The Wings of Love,” the worst song ever. It’s like a Disney song (oh shit, sorry Tenley) that didn’t make the cut.

Well. That’s that. We can all move on with our lives n—-PSYCH! REUNION SHOW! Let’s do this fucking thing! It’s only 1 am (I bleed for you people).

We’re at a very familiar set and it is cougar central. It’s like they got audience members from an upscale bar in Marina Del Rey.

audience

Chris Harrison says that for many, Jake’s choice was a surprise. Uh, only if your name’s Tenley. Speaking of, let’s bring the loser out. Geez guys, the wounds are still fresh. Uh oh, they’re showing a clip. Dudes, this aired like 10 minutes ago, come on. I’m not ready to reminisce yet. Tenley says about what we think she would, that she was surprised, that Vienna clearly had something with Jake, blah blah. She’ll see Jake again after this commercial.

And the commercial break brings us this news: Jake will be on Dancing with the Stars! Are you fucking kidding me?! Now I have to watch that shitty show! NOOOOO!!!!

Back to show. Jake comes out, hugs Tenley, and sits down. Tenley goes, “he smells so GOOD!” God you’re pathetic. This is so awkward. It’s like being forced to sit down with a girl you’ve decided not to see after a few dates and getting grilled about it.

I wish I watched the season where the dude dumped the girl he chose and picked the second place girl instead. THAT’S a reunion show! If he does that again at their wedding episode I’m tuning in for sure.

Jake calls Vienna his baby and says he’s had some high caliber relationships before but he has NEVER had the heat he has with Vienna. What sort of weird kinky shit do you think they get up to?

Jake is hoping we’ll celebrate with him and Vienna as they move toward their wedding. Sorry Jake. You’ve taken too much out of me already. They’re trotting out Vienna now. Wait, that’s wrong of me to say. Cows don’t trot, sorry. God, she’s so weird. I can’t believe that this woman won a show where the goal is that the winner is someone’s ideal dream woman.

Chris Harrison says that “even some of the fans have not been kind to you.” Uh, yeah. Guilty as charged I guess. They’re not doing a very good job defending Vienna. God, there’s some goofy shit on screen tonight. I wish I could do video caps for you guys and post them. The way Jake mouths “thank you” to the crowd after he gives a Jake speech about how it doesn’t matter what people think about Vienna is priceless. Chris announces that they’re sending Jake and Vienna back to St. Lucia as a congratulatory gift. Haven’t the St. Lucians been through enough? Oh god, they’re bringing out Jeffrey Osborne to sing On The Wings of Love. The first time he’s been on TV since Soul Train in 1984. This show’s so relevant.

osborne

Oh it’s time for the new Bachelorette. And it is…

Ali! Wow. So many surprises tonight. Fuck. This show is so predictable. I guess Ali’s ready to quit Facebook now. Ali says she wants a funny, smart, quirky guy. Uh, you were attracted to Jake though…

BOOM! And on that note I am out of here! What do you guys want to me to spend HOURS every week mocking now that The Bachelor’s over? Tell me in the comments section below. Peace!

Your Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. Joe D. says:

    I was wondering what that tattoo was. Nicely done, sir.

  2. AuGo says:

    Well reviewed B!

    Shows to mock next:
    REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK!!!!
    Season starts next week! Its brilliantly disgusting and disturbing with a cast of outrageously vapid over-done, over-stuffed hags. You’ll LOVE it.

  3. I want you to mock dancing with the stars. That’s a no brainer. Amazing post…again!

  4. Emily says:

    It’s fantastically ironic that these vapid narcissists with the personality of reanimated corpses are chronicled on a website called “NOT zombies”…

    Try Millionaire Matchmaker next. Talk about a wide variety of mock fodder.

    Only problem is… no one watches that.

  5. Conzo says:

    That episode was just overload of everything ABC, great job revealing mud paintings and tats. The thinking scenes were crazy and after seeing your snapshots above, I’ve realized it was even worse than I remembered. Maybe Jake can stick to print modeling.

    Millionaire Matchmaker is pretty funny but I always miss it.

  6. Brian says:

    I require narrative thread to hold my interest, which I think rules out Millionaire Matchmaker. Though I have caught a few episodes. Maybe I’ll watch a new show each week, randomly, and celebrate/make fun of it.


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  1. The Joe Donatelli Column » Blog Archive » Read this blog: Not Zombies - March 3, 2010

    […] buddy Brian writes a funny blog called Not Zombies. Please check it out. His recap of the season finale of The Bachelor, whom he correctly calls The Douchelor, is […]

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