The Douchelor Looks Back

The Douchelor Looks Back

4 Comments 23 February 2010

I’m borderline angry that I have to watch a bunch of clips I’ve already seen so it MIGHT bleed through a little as we watch these dumb fucking mongoloid retards bat their gums about all the retarded shit they’ve done over the last few months. Errr, sorry about the crude language.

RIGHT at the top of the show Chris jumps into the horseshit by referring to the Rozlyn/producer affair as the “biggest scandal to hit TV in 2010.” Pump your fucking brakes host-with-the-most. A) we’re still in FEBRUARY. B.) it’s not even the biggest scandal on TV so far this year. There’s embellishing and then there’s being bizarrely out of touch with reality. I know this is the Bachelor (how many times have they called it “the most shocking Rose Ceremony of all time”?) but come on.

So anyway. Chris “Deviated Septum” Harrison sits down with Jake to build up and over-analyze this slug of a season and of course they start with the “scandal” but they only hit on it briefly. Showing what a whiny cry-baby Jake sounded like when he told the girls. He basically looked as hurt as possible and said something like, “If any of you don’t like me, just leave.” And he looked REALLY sincere and sad so they all stayed. What’s not to love, right?


Then they went over Elizabeth, who was hot but kind of psycho (sorry Matt) and Chris Harrison goes, “She started playing games at the carnival.” Which is a big dumb wink to the fact that they were in the fucking game section. Groan. Jake admits that he’s lost a lot of relationships to game-playing. Jake, you calling them repeatedly after the first date and them never, ever calling you back? That’s not them playing hard-to-get, dude.

But why dwell on Jake’s miserable failures? Let’s talk about how successful he’s been! Chris says that he’s “clearly fallen in love” with Monster Face Vienna, and there’s a clip package for that. And that he’s ALSO fallen in love with Tenley, and yes, there’s a clip package for that. Chris Harrison gets a really big kick out of the stupid fortune cookies that Jake and Tenley made for each other. He’s like, “Did you guys REALLY both write the same stunningly stupid things?!” And Jake’s like, “We sure did!” If you were writing a fortune cookie wouldn’t you at least try to make it clever? They literally both just wrote “Kiss me” in theirs. Huh? I’d at least write “You’ll find your tongue in an unexpected orifice” or “Duck” and then have a camera man crack her in the skull with the boom mic when she reads it.

This is too much happiness so Chris Harrison stomps on Jake’s heart a little more by bringing up Ali. Jake goes “Ali left with her in love with me and me in love with her and no closure. Where do you pick up your life after that?” Um, I don’t know. With the 3 other chicks you have waiting that you’re ALSO in love with? I know it was a REALLY great 12 or so hours you spent with her but Jesus.

I can’t believe this is all annoying me for the second time. I never learn. I should point out that all of the flashbacks (pardon the Lost parlance) they’ve shown have been re-mastered in blurry-vision, again prompting me to check my glasses for smudges. Multiple times. I’m definitely dumb enough to be watching this show.

Back from commercial and Chris mentions that nearly 500 crazy people have been on The Bachelor and he wants us to look at a “sexy new phenomenom” called “Bachelor reunions” like it’s something that’s sweeping the nation and not just some cheap vacation that ABC threw together for these idiots.

Cue the clip package of a bunch drunk people I’ve never seen before (sorry, I started last season) acting like they’re on Rock of Love, which shows us how scarily similar these two shows are. The longer this segment goes the more I like it and the more I wish The Bachelor was just this boozefest. Oh and they talk to this asshole:


Thanks for giving him more TV time, guys! Kudos to you!

Back from commercial and JESUS, they are STILL talking about other shows’ casts. Only this time it’s a Bachelor-infused charity event they’re showing. Jerry O’Connell’s brother Charlie is there and God DAMN I wish I had watched that season. I saw him shambling around Beverly Hills the other day. He must HATE Jerry. What a winner this guy is.


Oh God, now they’re showing OTHER charity events. What the fuck is going on? Why did they mobilize all these cast members to get in the way at important charity events? This is so self-serving and obnoxious. AAAAAAAAAA!!! They clearly did one event in LA and one event in New York and got whoever lived there to come down and whore for the cameras one more time. Chris and Jake also make an appearance at a school it St. Lucia to give them some computers and other shit that they can’t use to make food or potable water or medicine.

Back from commercial and FINALLY they have people from this season on. Not that I recognize them all. Ali gets the biggest pop as they intro them one-by-one. Weird. It’s almost like she’s going to be the Bachelorette.

Montage of the girls acting like idiots and a picture-in-picture of their dumb faces reacting. Oh yes! They show Jake throwing the football in the first episode! HAHAHAHA! It’s a classic! He throws like such a girl. I can’t believe half the girls didn’t leave after that.

Bunch of boring shit and then they get to the Rozlyn/producer affair (don’t get me wrong–it’s also boring, I didn’t mean to state those two things like they were contradictory in nature). This is like when you get a bunch of UFO believers in a room together and their stories start building on one anothers’ until you have Close Encounters of the Third Kind. This is pretty much the same thing, only instead of an abduction we end at a story that has Rozlyn sticking her ass in the air, down on all fours, and using a line out of a porn film. I made NONE of that up.

Gia gets some one-on-one time with the Harrison and it’s MONTAGE TIME! Must… not… fall… asleep… This show isn’t Battlestar Galactica. It hasn’t covered volumes of narrative territory. It’s been like 7 episodes, and granted, each one is about 5 hours long, but it isn’t so complex that we need these constant clip packages. Ugh. Long story short, Gia wishes she had been more open about how she felt. Wouldn’t have helped, Gia. NEXT!

Oh it’s the let’s-make-fun-of-Michelle-section! Haha. Clip package, but this time it’s acceptable because always fun to see what a fucking nutjob this chick is. It just doesn’t get old. She takes desperate to this total next level. Her last moments on the show were some of the best Bachelor moments of all time. OF ALL TIME. Look at these audience members trying not to crack up while she’s being honest and heartfelt:


Hilarious! Michelle says she doesn’t think the editing portrays what she was really like so Chris goes to the panel and he’s like “what do you girls think?” and they’re all like “no, you’re fucking nuts.”

Holy shit, I just realized we’re only an hour into this. How is that possible? Ali time. Clip package time. Why aren’t they blurring these recaps? They happened in the past. I might get confused and think that these girls are back on the show if they don’t blur the footage. Not even black and white! MADNESS!

Ali lays out a pretty good list of reasons as to why she left and you really get the feeling that ABC helped her get her arguments together. Like coaching your client on their testimony before a trial. She is READY for these questions. Ali is going to put love before her job from now on. Translation: I will quit my job to do the Bachelorette.

Rozlyn is being escorted to the stage by the same bouncer that stood over her while she packed her suitcase on the show. Really guys? What, she’s gonna steal the china?


I’d also like to point out how she’s been totally separated from the other girls. Bizarre. Chris Harrison is being SUCH an asshole. Hahaha. He phrases his questions with “in your mind” and “the way you see it” and language that makes it very clear that he has zero doubt that she is utterly full of shit. He even makes a comparison between her story and his son making up stories about “unicorns and magicians.” But here’s the problem- with an affair that one of the girls on the show called “totally in the open” and with TEAMS of cameramen and sound guys they caught nothing? Where’s the evidence? Isn’t the burden of proof of Chris Harrison and ABC?

Oh here it is. They’re letting all the girls tell their little stories about the shit they’ve seen. The same girls that have all deluded themselves into thinking that Jake Pavelka is the most desirable man on Earth. Whatever.

Oooh Rozlyn makes the how-did-you-not-get-this-on-camera argument and Chris Harrison is so ready for it. We’re not a casino. A producer knows when the cameras are around. Blah blah blah. Chris sounds like an asshole. He calls these 3 dumb stories a “mountain” of evidence and talks to Rozlyn in a really patronizing tone and says more asshole things. Who’s with me on this? Hey Chris Harrison, the Jerk Store called…

Andy Dehnart does his usual solid work summarizing and following up on the Rozlyn situation here and here. Definitely worthwhile reading.

Time to wheel out the Amazing Talking Mannequin (Jake, natch). They show Ali and her job title (which is nothing new) but the for the first time I put it together: Advertising Account Manager. At Facebook. Ugh. All those bullshit ads you see on Facebook? Ali’s shitty client roster. “Meet singles in your area!”

They show all the HI-LARIOUS outtakes from this season and it’s weird to see how they have Jake and the girls re-do conversations and shit. It’s also weird to see Jake make funny faces. “Is this what you humans call… humor?” Least surprising bit of info learned: Jake thinks self-deprecating is when you shit yourself.

The rest of the show is a 10 minute commercial for the last episode, which they’re just going to show again at the beginning of NEXT episode, and yes, I will skip it then as well.

Until next week’s tedious ridiculous glorious conclusion, PEACE!

Your Comments

4 Comments so far

  1. AuGo says:

    Rozyln did do it. She hardly denied it when chris confronted her on the original show. it would be VERY easy to hide from cameras. Tons of unused rooms and hours a day of downtime.


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