The Douchelor: The Hump Card

The Douchelor: The Hump Card

7 Comments 16 February 2010

Last week on The Bachelor: Jake fooled 4 families into thinking that their daughter/sister was the girl he wanted to marry. Classy!

This week on The Bachelor, Jake takes the three remaining sleestaks to St. Lucia, which looks like an absolutely awesome place to share a vacation with a cardboard box.


The episode starts off with Jake summarizing the three remaining women, and by far my favorite part is when Jake says that he first stereotyped Gia as “just” this sexy confident model type like it’s a bad thing. I HATE that. Then they go over how Tenley is a fucking psycho for her ex and Vienna is a total bitch. Empty vessel, psycho, bitch. I know which one I’m rooting for.

Hahahaha! They catch us up on Ali real fast, and they want us to believe that she actually sleeps next to pictures of Jake. Check this shit out:

Ali tells us that she’s going to fight for Jake, which shows how little regard the producers have for their own little contrived reality. If you quit the show, why can you just come back? What bullshit.

Gia has the first date, and if you can get past her surgically-modified upper lip, she’s easily the hottest chick left. She also looks pretty cute with less makeup on. She just sounds so f’ing annoying. They go to a third-world market to slum it up with the savages, and Jake buys Gia a shitty heart necklace. She goes, “For the rest of my life this necklace will be on my wrist… errr… I wear it on my wrist.” Why do I feel like that necklace is going in the fire the second Jake gives her the boot?

Jake says he would love to have his honeymoon here because it will have “a lot of meaning.” Yeah, you and Vienna can totally reminisce about how you were banging three chicks (sorry Eightley, TWO chicks) while saying that you were falling in love with all three. Sweet, sweet, romance.

We come back from commercial to their romantic dinner date in “Smuggler’s Cove” (wink wink). Jake pretends to pull her chair out (the heavy-ass chairs are lodged firmly in the sand so it doesn’t move an inch) and Gia goes, “What a gentleman! I’m definitely not used to that!” Why am I not surprised that she dates total pieces of shit?

Jake gives her the “Reason’s I’m Here” speech that we’ve heard about 5 times an episode while making the Jake Face AND resting his head on his clasped hands and Gia is absolutely taken with it. He’s SO sincere.


Gia goes, “I’ve never met a guy that can say HALF of what you said.” And again I’m completely unsurprised that Jake is the smartest guy she’s ever dated. It’s like winning the Tallest Student Award at Midget High.

Jake whips out the “Fantasy Suite Card” which is really the “Hump Card” and Gia’s game. They go to the room and hop in the rose-adorned bubble bath and women everywhere squeal in delight (and Jake too). Jake says it was “such a romantic setting with the bubbles and the rose petals and the candles.” And the sound guy, and the camera guy, and the other camera guy, and the line producer, and the AP, and Chris Harrison. The camera retreats from the bathroom and we go to commercial so we’ll never know if Jake managed to last until Gia got topless (guessing he didn’t).

We come back from commercial to Tenley’s date and I’m bored already. She was really well cast as a Disney Princess I have to say. Not only does she look the part, she’s also about as righteous and virginal and retarded as a Disney character. It’s like watching Enchanted. Not that I ever saw that. At all. Of course not.

They take a helicopter out to the middle of fucking nowhere and Tenley goes, “Have you been here before?” Bachelor contestants wanted, intelligence not required.

Check the sign at the place they go to:


They have a picnic amidst some rusted machinery from the island on Lost (lovely) and Jake gives a Jake Speech about the way he plans to treat his future wife. This guy. This fucking guy.


In her confessional interviews Tenley only mentions her ex like, 5 times which is a big leap for her. She also says she might not be ready to make the leap when the Hump Card comes out because she hasn’t been alone with a man at night since her ex. Who the hell is this guy that he fucked her up this bad?


Jake tells us via interview that the Hump Card is very important in moving a relationship forward. WINK. Euphemism received and understood, Jake. Jake holds the Hump Card and goes, “I’m excited, I’m really excited about ths.” Tenley accepts. Jake goes, “I absolutely cannot wait to… watch our first sunrise.” Euphemism received and understood, Jake.

Up to the Hump Suite where Jake hops in the private pool with Tenley and they make out and we get the fade out. I can’t wait for the uncensored DVD.

Commercial Tangent: Is anyone watching V? Scott Wolf as a newscaster is hilarious. It’s like they put a 12 year old on CNN. What casting genius thought this was a good idea?

Commercial over. Vienna time. I’m annoyed after about 3 seconds. Her dumb face just annoys me. I’m pretty sure the only reason she’s doing as well as she is is because every other girl on this show is boring as all get out. To a sack of potatoes like Jake she must be like flying an F-22 while coked out of your gourd. They’re at a ship used in Pirates of the Caribbean and Jake goes, “we have it all to ourselves.” And the sound guy, and the camera guy, and the other camera guy, and the line producer, and the AP, and Chris Harrison. Except it isn’t like they’re sailing so there’s ALSO a captain, a first mate, a cook, etc. YARRR!!!!


They jump off the ship (I’m assuming the crew got tired of their bullshit and just kicked them off) and they roll around in the sand at sunset. Hahaha, they edited it to look like they swam from the ship to the shore but you can see the ship like a mile out in the harbor.


Have you noticed that in all her interviews Vienna has this blank, dumb, cow-eyed gaze? I hope these two end up together.

The Bachelor continues to rape my dream vacation as these two dine in a private gazebo with soft lighting overlooking a nice pond. Must you cheapen everything?

Jake asks Vienna what kind of ring she likes and I throw up a bit in my mouth. I like that if Jake picks Vienna he ultimately loses, which is a good outcome, but Vienna will feel vindicated and victorious, which is not a good outcome. I’m so torn.

Jake gives Vienna the Hump Card and Vienna asks Jake what kind of condoms he likes. This one was in the bag, Vienna is a slut for sure, which is her only redeeming quality. They go to the room and Vienna says she’s going to change into something to show Jake “that she can be elegant, and a woman.” Probably because she looks a bit like a dude. Anyway Jake is like, OMG when she comes out wearing the absolute most plain, boring lingerie you could possibly find. I’m not kidding. My friend almost bought the same thing for her grandma. I’m dead serious. Her dumb ruffled bikini was sexier. Vienna closes the door and we’re out.


We come back to a phone call from Ali which is about as surprising as seeing the Jake Face on a dinner date–they’ve been showing this clip before every frigging commercial break. Ali says she regretted her decision the SECOND she drove away. Uh, then why didn’t you turn around instead of waiting a week? Jake rejects her and she actually seems a little surprised. Dudette, you bounced. But it’s all good because this will be part of a great 15-minute intro montage for the next Bachelorette starring Ali.

It’s the time of the show where Chris Harrison says “Let’s talk about…” a bunch and they show clips using the blurry-cam so we know that what we’re seeing happened in the past. How dumb do they think their viewers are? There’s so much blurry flashback footage that I check my glasses to see if they’re smudged.


The remaining contestants leave video messages for Jake and it’s a little awkward watching them fumble for ways to attach false importance to their feeble, weak relationships with this straw man Bachelor that they’ve insanely built up in their small, small minds.

Big-nose, dumb-face, cow-eyed Vienna starts her video with “Hi sweetheart” and my hate somehow finds some room to grow. She looks and sounds every bit as fake as Jake.

Only two roses to give out. Will Chris Harrison come out to announce when it’s the final rose? Will Jake kick out the obvious Gia? Can Jake choose Chris Harrison to be his wife?

We know there’s no way that he’s picking Vienna first, and he doesn’t. He picks Eightley. I guess we know what that means. Yep, sorry Gia. Aw, she was looking so sweet and hopeful there at the end. I ended up liking Gia here in these last couple episodes. She was nice enough and didn’t seem too crazy. Being a little dumb isn’t a crime. Her giant upper lip is absolutely covered in tears as Jake delivers a speech (of course) about how he doesn’t like her as much as the other two. She’s a gracious loser though. Jakey, Jakey, just made a big… mistakey.

He Jake Faces her all the way out of the driveway before going back to the two remaining contestants. This is like a horror movie–people are killed off one-by-one and you know that there’s only going to be one survivor at the end who is forever scarred by the horrible, disgusting things that she’s seen and been through.

Next week is a bullshit reunion show (shouldn’t that be AFTER the last episode?) but I’ll try and muster the last remaining shreds of patience and sanity I have left and power through it.

Bonus screen from the “Outtakes” shows us that Jake and Vienna didn’t quite have the boat all to themselves:


Your Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. Kate says:

    And the phrase “It’s like winning the Tallest Student Award at Midget High” has just entered my lexicon. Awesome.

  2. AuGo says:

    ohhhhhh man. i am left speechless because the show continues to top itself in its utter fakery and stupidity.

    I swear it did not used to be like this back when I started liking it like 8 years ago! Whyyyyy can’t i just turn it off… oh ya, because now i need to know what Brian is talking about in his fantastic reviews.

  3. Sincere Lee says:

    I felt bad for Gia, until I realized she could have ended up with Jake the Snake. The guy has zero sense of humor and is a total narcissist disguised as a “sensitive guy”. He likes Vienna cause she’s good in bed, and he likes Tinley because that’s who his parents would want him to pick. Ali was the best option and he fucked that up Great review, dude

    • Brian says:

      That’s a good point, I feel bad for almost any woman that ends up with Jake. Can we somehow arrange it so Vienna gets rejected and “loses” and yet the two of them still somehow have to spend the rest of their lives together?

  4. Best summary yet. What the fuck was up with Gia’s sweaty teary face at the end. That grossed me the hell out.

  5. Salty Ned says:

    I loved JakeFace’s teal dress shirt. He looked like a Caribbean waiter.

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