The Douchelor: The Jake Face

The Douchelor: The Jake Face

6 Comments 02 February 2010

I’m typing as I watch tonight and I’ve had a few shots so you’ll have to excuse me if I barf. The recap reminds us how Ali just WASN’T going to stand idly by if Jake gave Vienna a rose, and she TOTALLY whispers angrily as he does just that and then she shuts her trap. BUT, it’s in the recap, so we can only hope that she gets medieval on that ass later on.


The crew’s on their way to SF and Tenley clearly learned how to do make up while playing a Disney Princess.


Vienna is PUMPED to be going to a major city for the first time. First of all, what? How old are you? Second of all, what the fuck do you call Los Angeles you twit?

Tenley scores the one-on-one date despite the fact that Ali is actually from San Francisco and would probably be the better choice for this date. Jake takes Tenley to Chinatown because if there’s a better way to experience a city its to go to the part that’s most like another country. Jake cements my theory that he is the most boring man alive–five episodes in and I’ve yet to hear him say anything interesting or amusing.

They deliver the second date envelope and the lucky two are Vienna and Gia. These two kind of get along so I’m a little bummed. Low catfight potential here.

Meanwhile Jake is taking Tenley (who’s really more of an Eightley) to Coitus Tower (thanks Jordo), for a romantic dinner at the top. I didn’t know there was a one-table restaurant up there, but hey, learn something new every day. They have a total Jake conversation, meaning he asks some lame open-ended question about her marriage and makes the Jake Face:


Tenley has some questions for Jake about what he thinks a marriage should be and he fucking nails it. Make out ensues. For the record, I had Tenley picked as a final-three from the first episode (Ali and poor discarded Beth being the other two).

It’s a new day and there’s a chest of clothes in the hallway waiting for Gia and Vagina Vienna. The date is at a winery that looks like a castle. Not quite as classy as the Madonna Inn but still very, very fairytale. Vienna is very impressed. Do these women think that Jake owns every place they go to? Jake informs them it’s a 12th Century Tuscan castle. Note that it’s neither from Tuscany nor the 12th Century. It DOES have a torture chamber though, so, you know, fingers crossed. Vienna whines about the Rose Ceremony from the other night and then Jake’s like “I’m gonna go make out with Gia for a little bit” and Gia’s all “You can eat my salmon bitch.” At least, that’s how I heard it. I wonder if Gia misses The Situation and Snooki. Gia puts Jake on blast for being a total slut and letting all the girls put their legs in his lap (“I thought it was just me”) and then they make out a bunch. She has a band-aid on her finger which has been there for a couple episodes and I start wondering if the DVD will have deleted scenes.

Annoying tramp Vienna gets all possessive again and goes hunting for the two of them and we get a good look at the succubus on her back.


She actually gets lost and starts freaking out a bit. I wish she got stuck in the torture room. Jake and Gia meet up with Vienna and Vienna gets her one-on-one time with Jake. He gives a lot of Jake Face but he doesn’t seem that into her. Vienna goes, “I REALLY am falling for you” and Jake goes “Really?” and then gives an uncomfortable Jake laugh. They don’t show any making out, so Vienna is probably on the way out. Probably. Oh please God let her be on the way out.

Gia and Vienna get shown to their room and Jake hugs Vienna briefly and then hugs Gia for WAY longer and goes “I had a SO MUCH fun.” OOOOOH, epic burn! Kuckoo Vienna can’t handle it so she takes an unauthorized visit to Jake’s room where part of me thinks she’s going to go all Misery and hobble him. Jake confesses in his interview that she looked “sexy as hell” which just proves how weird he is. There’s sultry, smokey eyes, and there’s severe lack of sleep, and Vienna seems to think that the latter is a really hot look.


Anyway, Golden Gate Park is the setting for the next day’s date between Corrie and Jake. He runs at her full speed and for a second I’m hoping he just straight-out tackles her. I’d like to make fun of the date but honestly I got so bored my mind just wandered and my eyes glazed over. I did hear some math getting thrown around which was a bit more interesting than the date. Corrie says that she thinks a kiss should be the guy going in 90% and her going the other 10%. Jake says that he thinks he should go in 80% and the girl should go the other 20%. They both said this separately in their interviews so I’m assuming that each was unaware of the other’s math, which makes it hilarious and explains why his tongue never makes it’s way to her throat. Tragic.

Their day ends at the Academy of Sciences, which is an awesome place. Unfortch, kind of lost on these two Einsteins. Corrie says she wouldn’t live with someone before they get married. Jake then asks if Corrie is saving herself for marriage. She says she is. So much for try before you buy. Jake says he understands. I now really hope these two get married so Corrie can have sex with Jake for the first time and then be like “Wait, that was it?” Make out ensues.

NEXT DAY! Time for Ali’s one-on-one date with Jake. Jake shows up and of course psycho hose beast Vienna answers the door. Desperate much? Ali takes Jake to her ‘hood and she actually squeals at one point for no reason whatsoever. Jesus. These chicks man. Ali and Jake eat, walk around, Jake tries to make jokes, they play a little soccer (huh?), and then hunker down for a sunset picnic while everyone in San Francisco looks on and wonders what two asshats are filming a reality show. They pop some bubbly and Jake is all like, “YAY! I LOVE WHEN DAT HAPPENS!! DUR DUR DUR!” Everything is a wonder to this guy. Anywho, shit gets real fast and you can tell because the music gets all heavy. They dance around the VD topic for awhile (Viennereal Disease) before they talk about why Ali is so fucking mad about Vienna. Girl’s all talk because she doesn’t really put Vienna on blast at all. Make out ensues.

Jake invites Ali to jump in the water and they both run down to the water and get about two feet in before they realize that the ocean is around 5° in the bay area. I was kind of hoping for a hypothermia situation here.

Time for the pre-Rose Ceremony desperation talks. Eightley dances with Jake. Corrie tells us that just because she’s a virgin doesn’t mean she’s not in touch with her sensual side, which I think means she gives BJs, but I can’t find an English-Crazy translator online. Gia’s lip looks freshly weird (does she self-administer botox?). Vienna whines to Jake that he kept her waiting too long and my hate grows. Jake wants to do something special for her so he brings her to his room. Wait, what? I thought he was putting this chick on ice for the easy let-down. Maybe he’s just toying with her like a dead rat, batting her around a bit before bringing her dead carcass to Chris Harrison. Ugh, now Jake is giving an interview that makes it sound like he likes her MORE than the other girls and is trying to be fair. Make out ensues.

Back to the group hanging out and Chris Harrison performs half of his duties by clinging a wine glass and saying “Sorry to break up the party.” Sure you are, Chris. Sure you are.

Jake comes out to pass out some roses and do some damage and he almost cries during his opening spiel. Don’t cry Jake. No one likes a cryer. Tenley gets the first rose. Ali gets the second. Um, let me guess, Vienna Sausages and Corrie will be last. Gia is next. It’s like clock-work. Chris Harrison! Do your thing buddy! “Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose.” Man, I hear they call him One-Take Harrison. BOOM. Jake picks Vienna. Well duh, he just told us that he likes her more than the other girls. And duh, Corrie won’t have sex before she gets married. Like, what the fuck are they supposed to do on the over-nights? Read the bible?

At least our boy Jake didn’t kick off half the girls. I bet he tried. The producers were probably like “Dude, no. Feb sweeps.”

Alright, well that’s it for the week. It was a long one! Jake meets the families next week and I can’t wait to make fun of these mongoloids. It’ll be funnier (more funny?) and more concise. Same bat-time, Same bat-channel! PEACE!


Your Comments

6 Comments so far

  1. I’ve only made it through the first part and I had to leave a comment because the line about Tenley being more of an Eightly made me laugh so loud. Brilliant!

  2. Once again total brilliance. Amazing photoshops, fantastic recaps. Well done notzombies. Well done. If I could only hand out one rose to a blog it would be you.

  3. CCap says:

    It’s really impossible to like this dude after you pointed out the Jake Face.

  4. Brian says:

    Dude, I love the Jake Face. It’s so insincere. Hahaha.

  5. Bachelor Rules the Retards says:

    NZ- you are the only thing making watching this show bearable! I mean, how can a group of so many people be so incredibly personality-less? I have never seen such a bad cast.

    And duh…. he kept Vienna because he is the closest thing this show has to DRAMA! the ONLY reason ANYONE even watches reality television: DRAMA (well, and for the villians that create it).

    I want to stop watching this lame ass season so bad but I’ll keep going, only so I can keep up with your reviews!

    • Brian says:

      Dudette, the home dates are next and then the vacation with overnights! This episode sucked because we were short 2 girls, which means less drama. It’ll get good again I’m sure.

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