humor, television

Tila Tequila, Annotated.

Tila Tequila, Annotated.

13 Comments 24 January 2011

Let me start by saying that I don’t hate Tila Tequila like a lot of people seem to. Yeah, she’s a fame whore, but she isn’t unavoidable. Basically if you don’t watch VH1 or E! you never have to see her. Ever. She’s not Justin Bieber. That being said, she’s going to be on Little Patty Schmacker and Halpnut’s show, Shit My Dad Says (yeah, I said “shit”) this Thursday on CBS. 8:30 pm (or 7:30 pm if you live in that one time zone that has to air everything an hour earlier just to make it more difficult to say when things are airing—you know who you are). She’s so excited that she wrote a blog post about it. I’ve decided to annotate it.

First, let’s take a look at the page so you can get a good feel for what we’re dealing with here:

So, ya know, SHE LIKES BOLD TEXT AND CAPITAL LETTERS! And pictures of herself (BTW, have you seen her without makeup? She’s actually really cute). So here’s what she wrote and my thoughts are in [red brackets].


Hello My Lovely Ladies & Gentlemen! [Hello!]

Aside from missing you all so much [she’s lying] (I know, I’ve been lagging at blogging lately, but I’ve been super busy! Sowwie ) [must…resist…baby talk… oh dammit, I forgive her] I have some really exciting news to announce that all of you have been asking about!!!! [you’re going to sleep with the first 500 mouth-breathers that comment on this post?] “WHEN DOES THE TV SHOW I GUEST STARRED ON AIRS???” [oh. I guess that’s close. Also, I think she means “When does the TV Show you’re on air (no “s”)?” unless she’s somehow quoting herself asking herself, which I guess wouldn’t surprise me]

Well I can finally announce it now, so go get your pen and paper to write down the info [she was under a VERY strict media emargo].  Don’t worry, I’ll wait. [it’s true, she will] *Waits 5 Minutes*  Ok yay you’re back!!! [yeah, I actually never quit reading] :) Ok are you ready???? [Tila, I was born ready]


AIRING: THIS THURSDAY, JANUARY 27TH ON CBS AT 8:30 EST/PST AND 7:30 CST!!!!! [seriously though, watch]


I gotta say, working with this cast was an amazing experience!  William Shatner was a really nice guy who was very interested in talking to me about how I came from the Vietnam War Generation [born in Singapore, 1981—I had no idea the Vietnam War lasted that long and was that widespread], and  he was always so gracious and such a gentleman.  I have the upmost [she definitely, definitely did not mean “utmost”—she chooses her words very carefully] respect for Will…. he’s just awesome!  As for me, my character on the show is the beautiful [her words] trophy wife of Ed’s (William Shatner) Neighbor and there’s a little surprise there that I can’t tell you about cuz I don’t wanna give the show away [she has a penis], but you MUST tune in cuz you’ll piss yourself laughing!  🙂 [if you piss yourself laughing, you probably will not be “:)”] It’s a very well written script and I think you all will enjoy it!  The live studio audience sure did, and the funny thing was that the audience had NO IDEA that I was going to be on the show that day, so when I stepped on set, people were just dying of laughter! [if your presence causes people to burst into laughter, I don’t think that’s a good thing. I’m a funny dude but people don’t just start laughing when I walking into the room][except for that time I had shit all over my face] Then as I was changing into my next outfit for the next scene, I could hear someone in the audience yell out “BRING TING-TING BACK!!!” hahahaha!! My character’s name is TING-TING COHEN!  Isn’t that funny?  My husband’s name is IRVING COHEN so that’s why my last name is COHEN… but the contrast of it alone is hilarious! [right, no, we got that, thanks for explaining] TING-TING COHEN.  Now THAT’S a great name! haha!  I’m apart of the “HOMEOWNER’S ASSOCIATION” [you’re apart of it? Like, away from it? Separate from it?] and well… that’s just about all I can tell you. I’m leaving all the good parts out so you can watch it for yourself and find out what happens on this episode and what my role is!:) [I am relieved to learn that the fact that she’s named “Tin- Ting Cohen” and that she’s “apart” of the HOA aren’t the only two good things about the episode]

Also I gotta say, working next to an actress as great as Jean Smart was also exciting! [Jean Smart is pretty awesome] Who would have ever thought?  Tila Tequila and Jean Smart together on a set? [you got me there] hhaha!  She [yeah I just deleted a bunch here, sorry]… As for the rest of the boys… Mr. Jonathan Sadowski and Will Sasso, well boys will be boys!!!! [what’s a “well boy”?] They were always fooling around on set and playing pranks. [pulling her top off] Very cool guys!!!

Overall I had a blast working on this show, and everyone was really friendly, especially all the producer’s [the producer’s what?! don’t leave me hanging!] and agents who came out to watch the big show on the last day of filming! [but not the writers. those guys were total buttholes] So don’t forget to TUNE IN THIS THURSDAY TO SEE MY DEBUT ON “SHIT MY DAD SAYS” ok?  GOOOOOOOOOOOOO TILA ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [first,  why is she so excited about goo? second, I fail to see this as a victory for her army, and more of a personal victory]

Anyway, right now I gotta get ready for a full press day to promote the show [really? where?] as well as talk about other projects I’m working on, such as more TV shows [can’t wait], and of course, the movie that I have been tweeting about!!! [straight-to-syfy?] I can’t wait to tell you all soooooon what it is, but just like this show, you will eventually find out, when the time is right and I’m allowed to make those announcements!  Just know that this is ONLY THE BEGINNING!  You will be seeing A LOTTTTTTTTTT [no clue how to pronounce that. “A lah-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh”?] more of MISS TILA on TV (more hints) [I love hints!] as well as movies [PLURAL?! This just gets better and better!] in 2011!!!  This year has already started out with a bang and I’m so happy!  So today will be a SUPER BUSY PRESS DAY & more press the rest of this week!  Stay tuned as I will post blogs to let you all know which stations or channels I will be on while promoting this [“follow my tweets that will point you to blogs that will point you to interviews that will point you to the shows and movies I’m in!” Scavenger hunt! Yay!]! yay!

Thank you Tila Army for standing by your Commander in Chief [Command in Chief? Wow! When is she going to declare sanctions against North Korea and deploy the Tila Army to the Korean DMZ to await further military action?] and continuing to support me as I take you all on this wonderful and exciting journey with me!  I love you guys!!!!  Over & Out! [damn, she is militant!]


Miss Tila [again, very proper]


And I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the shenanigans that take place in the comments. Here’s just one example, from the VERY first three comments:

HOMERBARTT (who has posted a paltry 1,751 comments on Tila’s blog as of this writing) starts off by not even commenting on the news. He comments on the pictures, which aren’t even related to the post. Then he gets called out by “ what” and accused of masturbating NOT to pictures or videos of Tila, but the thought of moving in with her. HOMERBARTT argues that he does NOT masturbate to a thought of moving in with Tila. He masturbates to the DREAM of moving in with Tila, thankyouverymuch.

HOMERBARTT 1, Yeah…so what 0.

S#*! My Dad Says. Thursday. CBS. 8:30 or 7:30 (if you’re those people). Watch to see if Tila can act. At all.

Your Comments

13 Comments so far

  1. Lil' Patty says:

    Thanks for the plug, Bri Bri.

  2. Thomas says:

    There’s a new 7-11 on La Brea?!

  3. Ryan R. says:

    I think HOMERBARTT was referring to his DREAM of coming to the United States (“us”), but since he is a po’ bitch he can’t afford a place to stay. Therefore, it would be “awesome if [he] could live with Tila”. What a dumb foreigner.

  4. Babs says:

    What is up with her eyes in the pic. Two different colors ??

  5. LOL says:

    Your post, your opinions in red and reading the comments from her blog had me ROTFLMAO. Too funny for words.

    Please say you will watch the show on Thursday and make a post about her “acting” abilities. I really would like to read what you think.

  6. Elli says:

    This is my new favorite site, I laughed so hard over this blog about Tila.

  7. scottishchick says:

    lol thanks for this, actually did laugh out loud, look forward to your comments on her “major starring tv role” and of course “lead movie roles” in the future..ahem.

  8. captain obvious says: says:

    When a guest star shows that is favored usually the audience cheers and applauds, not laugh, lol funny that she even mentioned that in her flog, Epic FAIL. Tila lead movie role is probably in one of those late night cinemax movies.

  9. anonymouse says:

    i just found out what movie she’s going to be in
    ‘I Wanna Buttfuck Your Daughter 11’

  10. Meli330 says:

    Ha ha ha! I love your translation of her blog. More please.

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